Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I know this is so very hard to hear but it’s not a sign of anything other than something very normal that other humans do every day - he cooked a meal.
He is still an abuser.
Think of how your body reacted in that dentist the other day. That is the reality - your body is on guard for attack 24/7. That is how you live every day.
Everyday husbands and wives cook dinners, put out bins, go to the supermarket every day.
Added together, when they are decent people, yes, you can see them as acts of service.
But a singular dinner cooked by an abuser is not a sign of change. It is to keep you on the hook, a tiny morsel of comfort which knocks you off your stride.
It is about control not kindness.
I only wish it were different for you.

No sadly not. It’s yet another indication of he exerting power and control over you. He’s now trying to be nice. There is no love behind these actions or f his. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you and in turn your children is a continuous one. This man if yours hates women, all of them.

Thank you both. I thought that but it’s so confusing and makes me question my sanity and what’s really going on. It didn’t seem fair him asking about dinner but then saying no, but then I don’t know what’s normal. Then him surprising me with it the following day completely threw me.

He’s been silent with me a lot since Saturday. It’s like he’s not wanted to be around me and the kids. Spending evenings going for a long walk so I’m feeling exhausted as my son really struggles with sleep. He hasn’t swam much with his friend that he speaks to a lot, I think she’s been busy and when she distances he goes quiet. He wanted us to go to her stall and she was doing an event on Saturday morning but the kids were at a party so I wouldn’t have had enough time. This could be why. I don’t know. It’s so confusing. He’s seeing her for a swim later so hopefully that time away will help him settle or feel more himself again x

What do you know about this woman?
It seems very odd.
i would bet there is no way he would allow you to go off and swim with another man regularly, leaving him at home with the children?

This is not a positive thing, why does he get to tell you that you arent allowed to cook a meal if you want to? You are an adult and if you want to cook, you cook.

Its very much not a positive and is concerning he has that level of control and that you go along with it. If my Husband told me I couldn't cook something I would tell him to fuck off thinking he had any ability to tell me what to do. I would honestly laugh at him for thinking he could even tell me what to do.

It's a mind fuck is what it is. Not letting you have what you wanted, and then having denied you, providing it. He's saying you're only allowed what you'd like when he decides. It's really awful, and not a nice thing. The worst of it is that if you were to complain, he can then say but he only had your best interests at heart, and he did afterall, cook you dinner. But you know deep down it's all about power and control, and him showing you he has all of it and you none.

And the thing about his swimming friend? That's just plain weird. WTF is going on there?!

I can understand why you have been confused by your husband’s actions. What he did on Monday night was horrible, asking you what you want then denying it. He was exerting control but then made the dinner as a surprise. As @Eddielizzard said or along those lines, what he gives with on hand he takes with the other. And so continues the cycle of abuse. I will post the women’s aid chart later but I didn’t want to read and run.
Just know this, @Beckaboop21345 , your gut feeling is always right but as he’s abused you so much you need a sense check which is the great thing about your thread.

Thanks for all your comments. I think if he hadn’t have made the chicken dinner I wouldn’t have thought anything, it was him doing it the next day and the confusion that made me uneasy. If he hadn’t it probably wouldn’t have stirred anything up.

@ThisJadeBear he met her about 3 years ago. They wild swim together. She’s married, he has flirted with her and tried it on and as far as I know she hasn’t reciprocated. She’s quite an anxious person and struggles with her own MH and he would be being the perfect friend to her with his check ins etc. Her husband is a police officer so can work long shifts so I think she probably gets lonely.

@Eddielizzard what you said about him saying he has my best interests etc is exactly what he would do. Anytime something is questioned it’s because he cares, I’m too weak, he’s looking after me, I’ve got it wrong etc. It’s the worst at messing with my head. It’s the way he’ll take something away or even make me feel like he could, like the problem with the spa day that I mentioned a while back.

I know I’m still here and my goal is to leave. I’m trying to trust that I’ll know when I’m ready. I question whether I should still post because I feel responsible for stuff whilst I’m here. I know lovely ones on here have said it’s not, but it is something that plays on my mind. Like I’m not worthy of talking because I’m not ready to leave yet.

It’s only through support, communication and advice that change happens. No one expects this to be a linear or easy process for you.
There is empathy here and experience of dv and sa too. It

took me 7 years to leave ( I was in an abusive relationship from 22 to 42 - 20 wasted years) .

You are not our puppet or anyone’s puppet for that matter, you will leave when you are ready and I have confidence in that x

Thank you. I just feel like there’s something wrong with me. I know when I live it will be really hard and I’ll have struggles and I have to believe that it’ll be worth it, but I also wish I could walk into a soft life without worries for a while. So I can heal a bit without any pressures. I know that’s not possible. It’d just be nice to have that, I hate saying this because I know life is hard for us all and we have our challenges, but it just doesn’t seem fair. There’s time I’ve questioned my existence, why am I here? Am I here just to serve others. I don’t always think that, it’s just me craving softness and love xx

We all crave softness and love. After a few tough years I have something different - peace. There are stressful moments, lonely moments, moments where I think of time I’ve wasted but, in general, there is peace.
It is the most valuable feeling.
You have spoken about him trying it on with this woman as though he’s gone for a dog walk. She sounds vulnerable and he could be exploiting her. He’s playing with fire considering what her husband does for a living.
He is cheating on you OP. It may be physically but it is certainly emotional.
You are that trained to comply that you don’t react to it. He has told you he’s tried it on with her? He sounds very, very dangerous.
You are not ready to leave yet so just keep
posting. You are very brave, we care about you.
I have a good friend who went missing from my life via DV. Three DC involved. She is now in a wheelchair. He even convinced her parents that she was abusing him. Now she is free and at peace. Her children are thriving and she works locally for DV services and speaks about her experiences.
She may be injured but she has peace. It can happen.

I read your post @Beckaboop21345 and been thinking about you. I hope you’re doing ok and are safe. Your husband is a piece of work and has been gaslighting you for a very long time. I’m glad you’re begging to see through his bullshit with help from the posters on here.

Thank you for sharing that @ThisJadeBear i try and find peace in my children when I can. I’m trying to do what I can for myself, and what brings me joy. Finding things and watching things that make me feel good. Trying to prioritise my own wellbeing when I can whilst I work my way towards the headspace of being able to leave. I am sorry to hear about your friend, I know I’m guilty of thinking “it’ll never get that bad” when in reality it does.

I know in some ways I’m apathetic and I think that comes from not having any control because he does what he wants anyway, so I’ve learned to detach from myself and the pain he causes. He is having an affair, even if only emotional because I’m not sure that she’ll go any further. There’s always been another woman, through the 24years we’ve been together. Always someone else. He’s won over her husband too, he’s lovely and friendly, charming to him. It makes me feel more trapped and disheartened.

Ive had more sexual touching happen, nothing serious really but I know it’s sexual assault.

Thanks for posting and for your kindness @Ogham. It really does mean a lot to me.

On a lovely note, my DC is going through transition days and stiff for high school and he’s doing ever so well. We’ve been sorting out his uniform and have been very busy in a nice but emotional way. He had his school leavers play today and he had one of the main parts! I was crying with emotions, he did so well and I’m a very proud mum!

Hope everyone is well. I do truly appreciate the thoughts and the kindness. I can’t log on often but it is nice to have that care xx

Do you think it’s normal for me to not just walk out? I don’t know how I’ve become so desensitised to everything, there’s a numbness. I remember when I really started to notice and feel the sexual abuse was wrong, mainly because it started happening so much after the birth of DD. I remember feeling so upset and angry. I remember having the conversations. Then it would stop, I’d get comfortable, promises of it’ll never happen again even though he said he couldn’t remember, I’d settle, then it would. How do I think so little of myself and my body that I haven’t just gone? I know it’s abuse. He’s locked the fridge before and put the key away “by accident” stops me shopping, limits the money I have access to, calls me stupid, laughs at me, tells me to fuck off, likes to do things to me when I’m asleep and on a sleeping pill, asks me to do degrading things and I bloody do it! Cheats on me, compares mu body to airbrushed women in lads mags. There’s so much more. Is the problem me?

I mean, I don’t like my periods, they’re really triggering from childhood, but they give me respite because he can’t stand them. It’s just not normal is it 😞

I am sorry. I’m mad at myself.

I’m mad at him and my parents too for the choices they’ve made.

im sorry for all the posts, i wish they hadn’t hurt me. It feels unnatural saying that and im really fighting to not excuse it, because my body isn’t there. But I need to not feel it as my fault.

Anger is an appropriate emotion after what you have been through. You went from one home of abuse straight into the hands of another abuser. This is not your fault. The explaination is not all people are good and we have to accept that some people are bad, evil and rotten to the core. Don’t try find the good in any of them. You are a good person and you don’t deserve this. I feel mad for you that you have to live with traumatic memories as well as being abused in every way possible by your husband :(

Thank you for being kind. He knows he triggers me, and I have flashbacks. He knows I turn into a small child in that other bed because I’ve told him. I thought he would stop at that, but he didn’t. You tell yourself, if I share this, if I tell him how much it hurts, surely he will stop, surely that will be the last time and it never is 😞 I don’t know what a safe home feels like. I don’t know what it feels like to take your kids food shopping on a holiday and not having a panic attack and crying because I don’t think I have the skills to do a food shop let alone decide what I want to eat.

You have given him trust which is normal for a partner but sadly he’s abused it time after time.
One thing that really helped me when I was trying to leave my husband was this motto “ I can and I will”.
You write so well and expressively, you look after your children and are an amazing mummy. You can and you will do the food shop one day and you will be happy and you will know exactly what you want. He has tried to infantilise you to control you. he’s done so many things so I understand why things feel overwhelming.

Thank you. I am sorry I’ve been so open. I think I felt a little mad at it all xx

There is no need to apologise. It’s an anonymous forum and you can say what you want as you are not harming anyone. It’s better to let the emotions out than sit with them.

@Beckaboop21345 there is no normal reaction to this situation. If my husband suddenly started doing any of the things yours does then yes I would walk out but if I had experienced your childhood and had been many an older man who wore me down over years to the extent that I struggle to make a decision on what to eat then I can absolutely understand your reaction. It’s easy for us not in your situation to say just leave but he’s crushed any selfesteem or boundaries you may have had. He keeps you in such a state of heightened anxiety not knowing what he will do next or when that any sense of normalcy is so far from this situation it’s impossible for you to see a way out. You will do it though, one day you will break free and you will have a home you feel safe in. You are so strong, and you know you have to keep going for your children, you can and will do it, we believe in you.

Never apologise, he has caused you so much pain and has eroded your confidence so much that you don’t know which end is up.
These tasks, shopping, choosing your own meals etc will become normal when you do leave him. First Build up your mental strength now in preparation to leave, I love that mantra “I can and I will”, keep saying it, it will empower you.
Your anger is a good thing, it’s making you question what he’s doing and it’s part of the process. Dont ever blame yourself for any of his doings. He is a cruel, disgusting man and I truly hope you break free and find peace. You are an amazing mom x