Hi Becka,
One step that will cost you nothing is to stop calling this man your “hubby.” He doesn’t deserve that name. In your thoughts and words, label his behaviour for what it is: controlling, deceitful, and abusive. He is an abhorrent abuser, a cheater, manipulative liar and dangerous sexual predator.
The abuser would be a good way to call him from now on.
I’d also start looking for work as soon as you can. A job gives you a reason to leave the house, distance from his constant surveillance and inappropriate actions, and—most importantly—access to money for an escape fund and a network of people you can talk to. If there’s nothing suitable in your town, widen your search to nearby cities.
It’s unlikely you’ll stay in this small town long term if you separate. While I understand your desire to protect the children, you’ll probably need to move to find work and stability. I suspect the move to a small town may have been deliberate on his part to isolate you and limit your options.
Social Services are unlikely to intervene unless there are safeguarding concerns for the children, as a previous poster wrote. Realistically, you have two main options:
-
Report the coercive control and press charges, then seek a non-molestation order. This is often the preferred route because it allows you to remain in the home while the situation is legally documented. Having documented abuse strengthens your position for child arrangements. Look into organisations that help with non-molestation and occupation orders, for example: https://www.dvassist.org.uk/ and check whether you qualify for Legal Aid: https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/check-legal-aid.
-
Find alternative accommodation and move out with the children. This can be very difficult without work or savings, but it may be necessary for your safety. If you go this route, report his behaviour to the police and work with a domestic abuse organisation to document the years of abuse in detail. Thorough documentation will be crucial in court—abusers often fight for equal custody or withhold child maintenance to control finances, and you’ll need evidence to protect yourself and your children.
He will likely try to bring damaging claims in family court, so documenting his abuse is in your children’s best interests. Don’t let the small-town mentality, gossip, or fear of reputation keep you trapped—those things are temporary; your safety and your children’s future are not.
Remember: the shame belongs to him, not you. You carry none of it. It is ALL HIS.
Coercive control is sadly common, and sexual abuse adds an even more serious layer, but police and support services follow standard procedures for these crimes.
From the WA site: Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a survivor’s life.
It isolates, exploits, and deprives a person of independence, regulating everyday behaviour. Coercive control became a criminal offence in 2015 and is defined as “an intentional pattern of behaviour which takes place over time, in order for one individual to exert power, control or coercion over another” (Home Office, 2023).
How to recognise coercive behaviour:
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Depriving you of basic needs
- Monitoring your time or using spyware
- Controlling where you go, who you see, what you wear, when you sleep
- Blocking access to support services
- Repeatedly putting you down or humiliating you
- Controlling your finances
- Making threats or intimidating you
Statistics on coercive control (England and Wales):
- 49,557 offences recorded in the year ending March 2025 (up from 45,310 the previous year).
- 1,299 defendant proceedings and 853 convictions for controlling or coercive behaviour in the year ending December 2024.
- Almost all those convicted were male—832 out of 853.
Stay strong. If you need practical help or someone to talk to privately, PM me.
Hugs,
Lumierka