I’d like to elaborate about my worries with SS if I can, now I have some headspace. If anyone has experience I’m happy for input. I know when I spoke to WA on chat she said the concern could be if they witness SA. Anything that happens with us both sexually is in the day when they’re at school or in the middle of the night. Normally im in a deep sleep or when there’s been consensual stuff, nothing happens unless we know our eldest is asleep so as far as I’m concerned there’s no risk. I know if my kids were spoken to, nothing like this would come up because there’s no exposure to anything. My DS has additional needs so he regularly speaks to MH and his teachers and me and hubby have always consented to all the assessments. As part of his transition into high school, we’ve been offered additional 121 support for him over the holidays. The support worker said we can do this with her as a family or she can work with him alone. Hubby and I both agreed that it was best he work with her without us so he can be completely honest about any worries. He’s also very comfortable with other people so we work with that. I’m sharing this because we’ve had options for him to talk to people with us and we’ve always said we’d rather him be honest and I recognise that that’s sometimes easier without your parents. I don’t worry about what my kids might share because there’s nothing to share. If anything it’ll be mums sometimes tired, she sometimes has to nap.
I know this could bring up the question why would I worry? There’s lots of layers to this. I live in a small town where teachers live in the community. My children socialise and attend clubs with teachers children. I don’t want a stain on them or me, these are highly sensitive and embarrassing things for me to deal with and I don’t want people to know and know that about me, or no longer include my children in social events. I don’t want the judgement. One of my friends that I sometimes go out for drinks with is the safeguarding and attendance officer as the high school my DS is attending. He is also best friends with her daughter. In some respect I’d rather nobody believe me and for hubby to crank up the manipulation and put it all on me than have this stigma on me and my children. But by then it’s too late. These things would probably seem less huge if I was in a city and bit living in a town where everyone knows everything and rumours spread. I don’t deserve that and neither do my kids. I don’t want to isolation, I can’t afford the isolation.
The disgusting thing is when you’ve been abused, you have no control. You carry shame. You fear judgement. All this opens up so much of this and the hard thing is, no one can ever be sure what will happen. I have no safety net in my family. I rely on my friends, some are better than others but they have their own lives, their grief and day to day stresses. I will have to lean on them a lot and they can’t provide that. I’ll need to have the support from those that care, and that won’t be there. I don’t want the schools and people I see to know my story.
I also don’t want my last trauma, and MH brought up ever. I don’t deserve that. I’m honestly regretting the counselling I’ve had and MH support because I fear it being used against me. I just don’t want to talk about that or my parents. I mean as part of an assessment they could speak to my parents and that opens up another can of worms. I don’t want to do this.
Theres probably more, but that’s what’s at the front of my mind. I hope I make sense.