Would he really be that stupid?

[Adviceseeker35]

My husband separated from me a couple of months ago but we still live in the same house, while he decides what happens next. He's just had a card delivered to the house that's an anniversary card saying "let's be weird together forever". The envelope arrived in a right state which is why I could see it. It's blank for him to fill out. Our anniversary isn't for ages. Despite everything I've always said that he wouldn't cheat on me and I said seeing someone while we were still in the same house was a line that couldn't be cross. Would be really he that stupid to send a card to the house?

So sorry OP

I'm really sorry, OP. I do think in the long run you'll be much happier without him but it's still devastating.

Wow. What a prick. I'd burn those cards and start making his homelife really uncomfortable to force him out

He's a man so yes he would be that stupid.

sorry op. You’ll be much happier just you and your son. He’s not behaved nicely towards you both x

@Adviceseeker35 Do not sit around and let everything be on his terms, you’ve done that long enough. He’s a liar as well as a cheat so don’t trust a word that he says. I’d be on the phone to a lawyer first thing tomorrow and keep all conversations with stbxh to a minimum, and grey rock at that.

I've been looking at solicitors but I just can't afford the costs.

I asked him if I needed to get myself std tested given how long hes been with her. And all I got was that was up to me.

I'm only allowed to talk about it when he wants. And he blames everyone but himself.

He said he didn't tell me as he was protecting me.

He is taking the piss out of you.

When are you going to get angry?

You need to start making his life hell so he is no longer able to stand living in the house.

I bet you are still doing household chores for him

@Adviceseeker35 he was protecting himself, not you, it’s clear from the fact he’s said he’s not ready to move in with her ‘yet’. He’s keeping life comfortable in your home until he’s ready to leave, that’s nothing to do with protecting you. He’s disgusting, especially if he’s been sleeping with both of you.

If you haven’t already, stop doing anything for him at home (cooking, cleaning, washing etc). You can usually get a free half hour consultation with a solicitor. I’ve not been in your situation but heard on a podcast about this organisation that might be of help. They offer affordable legal advice (with payment plans) as well as tools for navigating various aspects of separation/divorce including child residency. Set up and run by women with lived experience
https://www.separatespace.co.uk/

So sorry to hear this OP. I agree with pp - you need to find your anger. He’s ‘not ready’ to move in with her yet ? What he means is you found out before he’d fully made his mind up - he wasn’t protecting you by not telling you, he was biding his time until he was good and ready.

That’s not your problem now. He needs to know that if he thinks you’re just going to sit around while he conducts the affair under your nose he can think again. Can you find a solicitor who will give a half hour’s free advice, so you at least know your options at this point.

Stop doing his cooking, laundry and anything else to make him comfortable, and make enquiries about an occupation order to try to get him out of the house to give you space to think.

Don't worry about solicitors yet.

You can start the divorce process yourself. Start gathering any financial info you can, incomes, pensions, savings, debts for both of you.

Get reading up, lots of info out there. If you're separated then separate in the house. Stop doing anything for him, end any joint accounts, etc etc

Everything to do with the affair gets ripped up and put in the bin, You don’t want that in your home. Under the bed? It’s like he wanted you to find it.
Bin the lot, including him. Vile.

I'm so sorry you're going through this op.
There is no point to talk to him about it all or ask questions. You are approaching him as though you're still partners, but he's not your partner. He doesn't care how it hurts you and he won't give you tve responses you deserve or expect. I know that sounds terribly harsh but I say it from experience and understanding and it will only hurt you to try.
Get yourself tested, and limit communication to only essential matters.
He's an arse and you deserve better

I think at some point I need a solicitor. I can't trust him.

I took on more finances to help him out even though he earns way more than I do. Now I know where the money was going.

He really doesn't see he's done anything wrong.

What a CF!! How does he know you'd even want him back? Definitely don't take him back OP...it will be because OW doesn't want him! Don't be the "fall back woman"!

Have a read of chump ladies book it'll help so much for you to see what he's playing at x

Sooooooo, what you're saying is he IS going to leave the house? To go on holiday with his affair partner?!!

I'd be packing his shit, dropping it at his parents' house and changing the locks.

You are not forced to sit by and allow him to treat you like this, OP.

Have you ever heard of anyone else just letting their husband go on holiday with his bit on the side and then just letting him waltz back in?

Nope. And for good reason!

Get him gone and get a divorce lawyer.

And he never will. So don't waste any further energy on trying to figure out what's going on in his worthless head and concentrate on you, your child, and making changes to a better life of freedom.

Sadly that's exactly what I'm saying. He's going to a quilt festival. I even encouraged him to go before I found out about her. Apparently though it's my fault as if never go away with him because of our son. Funnily enough we went away just us last April just as he started his affair.

I've said He's treating me like a mug and an idiot and he denies it. I think you look up idiot in the dictionary and you'll find my picture. I swore to friends and family he wasn't that sort of person.

He'll be back to tomorrow all happy after his night in a hotel with her. Apparently she's never been to London before. Like I care.

He's going to a quilt festival.

Wow, the days with him must have flown past.

I do hope you are telling EVERYONE, OP? Like both families, mutual friends, heck Facebook!

You have no need to protect a dirty, manipulative cheat. This is all embarrassing for him, not you.

He can fuck right off with his gaslighting, too. Your fault he's cheating because you don't go away with him enough?!! Do me a favour😂

He really is an idiot, huh?!

I'd be leaving this thread open for him to see. Let the vipers tell him what a useless, spineless, excuse of a man he is.

Then take him to the cleaners.

He’s had a lot of time to think about and prepare for this, you definitely need legal advice of some kind, I’d go and have a free initial consultation or thirty minutes if they still offer it. Ignore anything he says about it, grey rock him and don’t engage, don’t let him control the number or frequency of conversations and the narrative. Just say you have nothing more to say to him and don’t want to hear about any of it. Tempting as it is to get the story, I can tell you now that you’ll never get the truth, liars lie about the truth and lie about the lies they’ve told and honesty is a dim and distant memory to the pair of them at the moment. Take charge by ignoring, if he tries to tell you about it or what he’s up to and you feel you can’t ignore it, I’d just say “I have no wish to hear about or discuss this as it was your choice to have an affair and nothing whatsoever to do with me. I can no longer believe a word that comes out of your mouth because you have been lying to me for months now and you wouldn’t recognise the truth if you fell over it.” Then leave the room and ignore any more attempts by him to draw you into it all.
You don’t need to know any more, I’m so sorry OP, it’s horrible, truly awful, but you’re done here. He’s only ever protected himself.

So sorry OP, you need to find your anger and get the divorce started now. Stop talking to him about anything other than practicalities to do with your son or the house. I hope you're not doing his laundry or cooking/shopping for him either. You can see a solicitor for a 1/2 hour free consultation just to give you an idea what you need to do.

He's moved on with his life and you need to do the same. He's a nasty selfish lying cheat and you will be a lot better off without him.

Thank you for all the advice. I have spoken to a solicitor. It was scary how much it'll cost. Not sure I can afford it. Might need to find someone else. Lost a chunk of my savings paying to fix our roof a couple of months ago. which he said would last us years. At the time I thought there was a chance for us. All the while he was having an affair. He thinks we can live like this for years. He did think about taking me back then He talked his feelings through with her.

He's blamed everyone but himself. His work, our son for being closer to me, his dad for being rubbish, the death of my dad, me for changing....

He's said he knows he's made the biggest mistake of his life but he's still doing it.

He'll never tell me the whole truth. I never knew he was such as accomplished liar. If he was Pinocchio the divorce would be paid for by selling his continually growing nose for firewood.

That would be one hell of a bonfire!
He doesn’t think this is a mistake, that’s rubbish. If he felt like that he wouldn’t be doing it. All crap to make himself sound like a nice person who gives a shit. He isn’t and doesn’t.
As for his “feelings for her” well, time and a good dose of reality spending loads of time together, minus the excitement of sneaking around, will tell him that. Then it either will be the biggest mistake of his life or it won’t. But I’m not holding my breath and neither should you. Stay strong and ignore all the rubbish he’s spouting.
It was a choice, he chose it. Nothing and nobody else is responsible for our own free will choices, we are. Nobody forced him or influenced him, he could have said no. He chose not to. He is the only one responsible for that. Squirming around mired in excuses will never change that simple inconvenient fact.