Would he really be that stupid?

[Adviceseeker35]

My husband separated from me a couple of months ago but we still live in the same house, while he decides what happens next. He's just had a card delivered to the house that's an anniversary card saying "let's be weird together forever". The envelope arrived in a right state which is why I could see it. It's blank for him to fill out. Our anniversary isn't for ages. Despite everything I've always said that he wouldn't cheat on me and I said seeing someone while we were still in the same house was a line that couldn't be cross. Would be really he that stupid to send a card to the house?

Try counselling OP, you need help working on your self-worth and self-esteem. He is treating you like shit and you're allowing it. You are not meeting his needs so he gets to screw around for a while to see if the grass is really greener elsewhere. Meanwhile you play the dutiful wife doing the 'pick me' dance. The card is the least of your worries. He wasn't being stupid getting it sent there, he was disrespecting you, crapping on you and treating you like a mug and a fool, which is what he was already doing. Is this really the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with? If he does decide to stay, do you honestly think you will be meeting his needs forever? This will happen again and again, he'll get an itch and permission from you to scratch it.

Agree. I don’t think it’s a case of OP meeting his needs (or not) though. More him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. OP is enabling his behaviour and signalling that her hope that he’ll decide to stay is of paramount importance. If he ‘decides’ to stay, the relationship will never be the same as he’ll always see himself as in control, and it will, as you say, happen again and again until OP puts a stop to it and divorces this piece of shit.

You have split up. He was a dick to lead you on with hopes of a reconciliation- I can only think it’s because he didn’t have the bollocks to tell you straight and thought he was letting you down gently, but the reality is that your marriage is dead. He is also seeing someone else, regardless of what he’s telling you.

In once sense he doesn’t owe you anything as he is, to all intents and purposes, a single man in that he’s not in a romantic relationship with you anymore. That’s said, he is disrespecting your agreement to not date, but I do think that’s an unrealistic agreement, especially as time moves on with no end in sight. The end is him moving out and divorce, not riding off into the sunset together.

'Not meeting my needs' is one more way men have weaponised the language of wellbeing/mental health/self care/feminism. Because they can't say 'understands consent and means it' or 'I can't be fucked not to treat her like my mum-maid, which might make me attractive to her again', obviously.

Nice that he's considering 'taking you back' for you not wanting to shag around.

I will hand it to him, it is original.

I don't think it would be possible to have a relationship with someone who can twist logic in such a way, who knows what he will try to justify next. LTB

I don't think your DH is the stupid one here tbh.

Sounds to me like you need to get yourself some self respect, ditch the creep and build a new life for yourself well away from him. 💐

He's taken all the power and leaving you dangling on a string is not acceptable imo. That an the open marriage because you're not giving him what he needs is utter bullshit. It's manipulation to say such things.

Sorry OP, you deserve so much better. The card isn't actually important here, he needs to go and you need to set yourself free.

I’m mental actually really mental and under MH services and can see clearly that this is ridiculous. Stop being so bloody passive.

this is the push you need to understand that it's over. Don't quiz him about it, no point - just calmly begin proceedings to get properly shot of him. Don't be his back-up plan!

He wanted an open marriage and you're wondering if this card is for anyone else. He's cheating and said about waiting 4-6 months because he wanted a back up plan if things didn't work out with whoever this is he's shagging. Please for fuck sake throw him out and find some fury and self respect. Like most men who want an open marriage he'll soon find out that he's grossly overestimated his market value and thinks you will be stupid enough to stay and work things out. Let him have the life he wants without you in it

I think it's time for YOU to decide 'what happens next' now, then.

This.

Entirely.

Why does he get to decide what happens?

Maybe I just have a suspicious mind but why would he have a card delivered to the house and not do what the majority of men do and pop into the local supermarket and buy one ? Maybe he wanted you to see it? …

Is not that he is that stupid, it’s that he thinks YOU are that stupid!

All I hope you don't believe it. Come on, don't be as daft as he thinks you are.

Which anniversary? First? Or doesn't it have a number?

Maybe it's time to stop sitting around waiting for his lordship to decide what he's going to do, and make some decisions yourself. And if you haven't copied all proof of income etc, do it today.

Have you seen a divorce lawyer?

This is code for I'm cheating already and want permission

Not withstanding all the advice and comments given here, which is very clear what you need to do. In relation to the card if it was such a mistake he won’t mind you throwing it away (or keeping it for evidence)

Yep not stupid he's just letting you know without saying it,
Op please make plans to leave, take away his power , take control,

An excellent point.

If he shows any annoyance, it will be because his effort for someone else would be wasted.

Yeah, he has no respect for OP at all.

How are you doing, OP? Hope you’re okay. Some quite brutal comments on this thread. Although I do feel they’re all coming from a place of support (for you).