Would he really be that stupid?

[Adviceseeker35]

My husband separated from me a couple of months ago but we still live in the same house, while he decides what happens next. He's just had a card delivered to the house that's an anniversary card saying "let's be weird together forever". The envelope arrived in a right state which is why I could see it. It's blank for him to fill out. Our anniversary isn't for ages. Despite everything I've always said that he wouldn't cheat on me and I said seeing someone while we were still in the same house was a line that couldn't be cross. Would be really he that stupid to send a card to the house?

So he wanted to shag other women with your consent?

But you don't think he'd be shagging other women now that you're seperated?

I hate to break it to you but he was 99% likely to have been cheating on you whilst you were together.

I think you need to find your strength and get him the fuck out of your house.

Yes. He is that stupid.
Yes. He is cheating.

Is he meeting yours?

Well obviously he's getting "his needs" met by someone else now.

Also, I'd never get back together with someone who referred to it as "taking me back" implying he's doing you a favour.

Keeping you on the back burner as his plan B. Don't be anyone's plan B op.

Honestly I think infidelity is the least of your problems here.

Why are you allowing him to keep your life on hold for 4-6 months while he unilaterally decides what happens next?

OP this is obviously very hard for you and you have been more than patient trying to save your marriage.
Sadly I think you are the only one trying, he’s being unfaithful to you and now you get to decide what kind of relationship you would like.
You might not think it or feel it now, but no marriage is better than holding on to a dead marriage and a disinterested husband hoping for a miracle.
In your efforts to save this and hope that he will change his mind, you have silenced your own voice, set aside your own rights, and handed him total power over you and your relationship.
A marriage is a partnership, not subservience, it’s a democracy, not a dictatorship.
I truly do understand how hard this is and know that your heart is breaking, but you need to grieve for what was and act on what is. Your reality is that your husband likes his home comforts but doesn’t want to honour his marriage vows to you. He is too lazy and too cowardly to call time and move out and set you free to have agency over your own life. He’s no doubt got at least one OW and is biding his time, not worrying over a huge dilemma about whether or not to be with you, but in a comfy place, waiting until he can easily go somewhere else with somebody else. Then see how fast he’ll make his mind up and go.
Your turn now, you have no control over his behaviour or choices but his actions are presently dictating and controlling yours.
All that you can control are your behaviour and your choices. Your turn now to decide what you want and deserve and my dear OP, it isn’t this, it really isn’t.
Make up your mind that waiting is no longer an option, he wants permanent separation, so he needs to live elsewhere now so that you can move on.
You deserve peace and a happy life, not an entitled control freak who cares for nobody but himself.
Break into the cycle of waiting and hoping only to be disappointed now, put the stick down and stop exhausting yourself flogging, the horse is dead OP.

Why are you waiting for him to decide what he wants?

Are you going to wait ?? His idea can fuck right off, what a complete wanker he really is. Chance he might take me back 🙄I would be saying no thanks. I'm over you and don't want YOU back matey.

i could have given him the benefit of the doubt until he said this.
you can do so much better than him. Please please please do not let him ‘take you back.’ Step away now and if wants to earn your forgiveness, then he can.

Ypu arnt togeather so he can do as he pleases. You shouldnt wait for him to decide however. That is undignfied

Well that’s one hell of a drip feed.

Of course he’s shagging someone else and hedging his bets keeping you as his fall back while he sees how it goes with her

I’m really sorry, he’s shagging someone else. Yes you’re ‘separated’, but the feeling of utter betrayal doesn’t care about the technicalities.

Don’t be surprised by a wall of lies, and when you do figure bits and pieces out he may or may not confirm them as true. Also don’t be surprised if he blames you for him shagging someone else if he’s a true bastard. Whether you stay with him or not is entirely up to you, but what you had together before is gone. I’m sorry.

So a man who opted out of his marriage vows was suddenly thoughtful enough to order an anniversary card 6 months in advance?
Unlikely.

@Arlanymor You deserve so much better than him. I hope you don't wait around for 6:months and instead start to feel the (righteous) anger about how terribly he has been treating you.

Didn’t even need to read the post. Yes, men really can be that stupid.

If it’s any consolation: what a wanky card! Cringe.

You're better off without.

A chance he'd take you back? Who the hell does he think he is?? Get him out OP. I've been there, hoping he'd want me again, and i just kept getting hurt over and over. Get rid, its what i wish i had done, delayed the inevitable.

@Adviceseeker35 , stupid is the last thing your husband is. He is being intentional.

You didn't agree to him whoring, so he put you out to pasture. You allowed him to get away with that, so he's busy getting his end away until you've decided you want him back enough to allow him anything.

Take control of your life and end this farce. You deserve better than accepting being parked, until you're husband has decided you're worthy of resuming a marriage with.

Do men generally buy anniversary cards for their mates, celebrating their friendships?

You're going to have to reframe your thinking, OP.
Surely this relationship has run its course as far as you are concerned. Please don't be hanging on in case he deigns to take you back. Please don't be allowing him to make all the decisions here.
I'm assuming you must realise that he has lost all respect for you if he can behave like this, and even if he does decide he wants you back, you have more self-respect than to allow this to happen. He sounds horrible and he has made it clear that his "needs" outweigh yours. Let me spell it out, he doesn't want to make you happy. He will view you as second best. He is probably only saying he might decide to take you back in order not to have to move out until it suits him.

Taker control of your own life, OP. Go consult a solicitor about what you are entitled to ,make sure you have all the info you need re income, pensions etc. Once you have decided a time frame that works for you, work towards that. If you need time to get some savings together, or for him to continue paying mortgage etc, that's OK. But he's not your friend or partner anymore, don't trust him to do what's best for you. You don't have to discuss your plans with him at this point. But you do need to making your own choices and decisions.

The person that you want him to be is already gone. Any promises he makes or may have made to you are worth zero because he will lie to get what he wants.

The sooner you detach from this twat the better it will be for you.

Im sorry this is happening to you but he will keep you on the back foot if afford him the opportunity.

The more you drip feed the worse it gets. You need to find your self esteem, raise your bar, and go to a divorce lawyer op. Get back your control, don’t sit there while he shags about (and he is shagging about). The longer this goes on, the worse you will feel about yourself.

So sorry that you’re going through this OP. As much as it hurts and you don’t want to believe it, I’d cut ties and leave with some self respect. Sounds like he’s had you wrapped round his little finger. He’s done the worst now. He’s moved on. You move on too, but find yourself not the easiest penis around. Sorry again 🫂

All a bit too much of a coincidence, isn’t it? I know you’re hurting, OP, but don’t explain away the obvious.

He's not deciding what happens next. He’s waiting for the OW to be available. She’s most likely married or LTR, or one of them is moving work to be with the other. Or finding a home to move into together. He’s definitely not mulling things over. He’s waiting for his ducks to be in a row, or the other woman’s.

Kick him out asap OP