Sensitive Topic- Boyfriend told me he’s attracted to minors

[MorrisHer]

I’m aware I’m going to be ripped to shreds for this post and I probably deserve it but I’ve figured I couldn’t feel worse than I do already and if just one person can find it within themselves to hold my hand and offer me the tiniest bit of kindness and safe advice it will be worthwhile.
So I was married for 29 years, two grown up children. Met a guy who seemed like the full package, kind, warm and gentle.
Ex husband stated he wanted the house sold but insisted on moving in in the interim period as he had nowhere else to go so .. bf asked me to move in with him after a few months so I accepted, albeit all a bit rushed things seemed to go ok.
You know the saying if some thing seems too good to be true it usually is? …well
When we were out and about I steadily noticed he was checking out girls, like it wasn’t something I imagined .. it was a real vile gut instinct I’d had for a while.
During a recent argument I raised it with him and he made the foulest admission he was sexually attracted to teenage girls and often as a single man he was drive home from work and masturbate thinking about them.
He said he would never act upon those feelings as in harm them in any way but surely this admission IS a form of harm isnt it??
This man is 63 years old!! I’m sickened to the very core and sometimes I don’t feel I can go on .. he seemed a nice guy .. he has his flaws but never in a million years did I think he was that man!
I need to move out but I’m still waiting to sell my house and I have huge debts and apart from pitching a tent on the marsh nearby my housing options are limited so I’m biding my time til my house sells …
Please understand I’m a good person, a decent person with strong morals and this has destroyed me … please help!

So you believe all men are attracted to girls that have gone through puberty regardless of age? Does this bother you or are you okay with it cos 'nature'?

I know that men have evolved to find sexually mature girls/women attractive, in the same way that females have evolved to advertise their sexual maturity to males. How is this controversial? Were you not paying attention in your biology lessons at school? When women find themselves absolutely compelled to have babies, even in totally unsuitable circumstances (which we see all the time on here), similar mechanisms are at play. Where humans differ from animals is that we have additional brain structures that allow us to moderate and control our impulses.

Accepting that the OPs ex partner is a sleazeball for having talked to her about his self pleasuring habits -

Can you explain why it's worse for a 60 year old man to be attracted to a fertile female than for a 20 year old or a 30 year old?

There's always such righteous indignation about this issue.

It isn't illegal for anyone to be sexually attracted to anyone else. It is hard wired to be attracted to post pubescent, fertile people. It's only illegal if a person acts on that.

And if anyone thinks that sexual attraction for the young and fertile is restricted to men they are sadly mistaken and haven't met enough honest older women!

I was responding to the poster who implied its normal to be attracted to anyone who's gone though puberty. Its not. It's really fucking creepy.

Regarding 60 year old men fancying 20 year old women, it's worse because 20 year old women usually don't welcome attention from these men. It repulses them. Attention from a man similarly aged or slightly older would be different (although obviously depends on the circumstances/man). Women don't want old men the same age as their dad looking at them in that way. It's horrible.

I'm very confused why I'm having to explain this to a woman, surely you felt the same repulsion when you were young and had old men leering at you?

And the 'hard wired' argument is also a load of shite.

I did suggest a specialist group for this problem or Women's Aid for the lady or GP. when i said refuge or hostel i did not mean Women's AId refuge there are other ones I have been in quite a few refuges run by Women's Aid so know how full they are

Anyone who thinks it makes evolutionary biological sense for older men to be attracted to teenage girls just wants to believe that.
If that were true, it would be reciprocal and it very much isn’t. Younger women are generally repulsed by the idea. So what’s the point if not to make it a virtual certainty that older men will never have any sex?
The whole school girl fetish thing is mainly very much adult women dressed in a way that makes them seem vulnerable because what men who like this (and are not paedos) are attracted to is the power imbalance. Actual women are too intimidating. They can only get their rocks off when they feel in control and “safe” because there’s zero chance they would have to do actually anything or face rejection when they’re just having a sad pervy wank alone.
Normal people are able to see someone young and think they’re attractive and save their sexual energy for someone who might actually appreciate the attention - because there’s an actual chance of that happening.

I'm baffled by the argument that all men feel this way. How can you possibly know this? It's stinks of projection in my opinion.

Human sexuality is a complex phenomenon driven by all sorts of things beyond procreation. I don't believe we're all 'hard wired' a certain way at all, too much variation exists - many women don't have an urge to have children, same-sex attraction exists etc.

I only ever hear the 'hard wired' argument when trying to justify shitty behaviour. Aren't we 'hard wired' to hunt animals? Or kill our enemies? None of this feels natural to me. We've gone beyond this as a species now.

I find it strange that women would spend their time online defending creepy men. Just bizarre.

I thought it was generally accepted that our higher cortical functioning is a weak veil over our deeper instinctive selves. In fact we mostly use our higher functioning to explain our instinctive behavior after the fact- rather than being led by it in the first place.

I suspect most men are sexually attracted to young women- by which I mean women who have finished puberty but are clearly youthful. Could be anything from 15 - 17 approximately. Its just currently socially unacceptable to look at that directly and even more unacceptable to talk about it, and completely utterly unacceptable to act on it. Thats the rules of society we live in right now- and the vast majority of men conform to that- rightly so.

Yes, we're hard wired to do these things, just as we're hard wired to eat, breathe and sleep. Are these shitty behaviours? We've "gone beyond" our base instincts in that we've gained the ability to moderate them and/or they're no longer advantageous, necessary or tolerated by society. But they're still there, under the surface. I'm not defending creepy men, I'm explaining how we, as somewhat enlightened animals, operate. Don't believe me? Read any book on the subject.

Exactly. In this society adults do not show that they have any sexual interest in teenagers as it is unacceptable. However the vast majority of men will and do ogle teenagers but keep it hidden. The OP's partner made the stupid mistake of sharing with her, his quite "normal" desires.

Quite often such people form relationships with a woman to provide cover for their perverse reality. I wouldn't believe a word he says about being in a relationship with you. The most motivated people are these type of perverts and seek positions of power to abuse and live their whole lives in a false guise. He has told you who he is and yes you need to get away from him as soon as you're able to. I think I would report him myself, nothing may happen but you might find he has previous - it won't be a new thing for him.

I work with all men and have done for decades. They are all like this. Some are just better at hiding it! Its not you OP. Get out as soon as you can, stay single and be happy with you. All the best x

Report him for what???

Tbf sadly in the animal kingdom female chimps etc often don't have much choice about who they have sex with.

I agree broadly though.

It makes evolutionary sense because in a lot of species access to a female is a resource that males fight over. Often an older, mature male will have access to all females in his group- including the very young but sexually mature ones. And so it goes until a stronger male comes along to take over.
Evolutionary fitness is about the ability to pass on as many copies of your genes as possible. This is absolutely often achieved by older males mating with younger females.
I'm not excusing older males taking advantage of younger females in our current society. We find that rightly abhorrent these days. But those instincts that evolved over hundreds of thousands of years are still buried deep down in our primitive brain parts. I think its better to admit its there and act and make policy accordingly.

it’s not your perversion and not your fault. But eyes and ears open for any access to children/teens including family members. Does he do a job or any hobbies that allows him access to children or teens?

i would have a chat with the police either way - this may be the start of him grooming you to accept and stay - it may be much worse in reality via ages, online usage of abusive imagery and real life abuse.

HEBEPHILE Behaviour
(towards Pubescent Early Adolescent/Teens - typically apprx 11-15y)

EPHEBOPHILE Behaviour
(towards Post-Pubescent Mid-Late Adolescent/Teens - typically apprx 15-19y)

All the men on the thread who say it's evolutionary and all men are attracted to young girls, I'm curious, if you have daughters how do you feel about other men ogling and wanking over your 13 year old? Are you cool with that?

I’m not sure this 5year old was sexually mature even with her biology. https://health.howstuffworks.com/pregnancy-and-parenting/pregnancy/conception/lina-medina.htm

13 year old, no, its a perversion.

Sexually mature 16 year old, no of course I don't want some wizened 60 year old creep wanking over my daughter. But I also accept that of course they will look at my daughter and see an attractive, sexually mature female. I don't want to think about him wanking over my daughter so I won't. If he letches over my daughter in a way that is can notice or shouts, cat calls etc I may attempt to socially shame him for this by drawing attention to it and calling him a pervert etc. I'm hoping to force him to conform to the rules of society.
Doesn't mean there's not a decent number of men out there who are sexually attracted to very young females. I know it.

But if what you say is that all men are sexually attracted to 'sexually mature females' then do you actually deem the wizened 60 year old to actually be a pervert when he's leering and wanking at home over your daughter?
Isn't he just normal by your view?

It's interesting you say 16 as the age for sexual maturity. That's only the legal age to consent to have sex and as I'm sure you're aware some young women 'sexually mature' much younger than that so he probably WILL be wanking over your 13/14 year old.

I mean if it's true what you say they ALL will be.

I wonder how he would know what age she sexually matured or do men just judge young girls on a case by case basis?

But it's ok because all men think that way.

It seems a bit rich then that you would use the rules of polite society to shame the 60 year old for doing what all men feel is their evolutionary, biological right to have sex with young girls barely out of childhood by calling him a pervert etc.

I don't think its ok. Please don't think I'm saying its ok. We are not actually animals anymore. We HAVE evolved brains able to organize societies for us to live in, with social rules for all of us. We know older men taking advantage of younger women is not ok. We know women are more than sexual objects and childbearing vessels. We assume its ok for primates but we also know its not ok for us.

That doesn't change the fact that our brains evolved a certain way. And back in the day before we were human with our large brains, the males of the species who most often passed along their genes were sexually aggressive and certainly would have mated with sexually mature females. Those brains are still there, buried under the higher stuff. Thats us.

So yes, hes a pervert by societies rules today.

He was less of a pervert 100's of years ago.

And thousands of years ago, he was a highly successful primate- our ancestor.

Quite honestly it doesn’t matter what he was back in the day, or where he evolves from, because he doesn’t live in that world. He lives in this world, here and now, where he has learned social normities etc. His brain is not wired in the slightest from existence thousands of years ago, it really is not. Anyone spouting such clap trap needs to give themselves a good hard looking at. If women have evolved to not have to be the family maker, sitting at home, allowing her man to pleasure himself with her whenever he pleases, then I’m pretty sure men can, and have, evolved in the same way. Ffs. Such fucking nonsense some people are spouting.

You're confused because you aren't understanding basic biology.

60 year old women find buff 20 year old men a turn on as well, did you know?

His brain is not wired in the slightest from existence thousands of years ago, it really is not.

It really is.