Sensitive Topic- Boyfriend told me he’s attracted to minors

[MorrisHer]

I’m aware I’m going to be ripped to shreds for this post and I probably deserve it but I’ve figured I couldn’t feel worse than I do already and if just one person can find it within themselves to hold my hand and offer me the tiniest bit of kindness and safe advice it will be worthwhile.
So I was married for 29 years, two grown up children. Met a guy who seemed like the full package, kind, warm and gentle.
Ex husband stated he wanted the house sold but insisted on moving in in the interim period as he had nowhere else to go so .. bf asked me to move in with him after a few months so I accepted, albeit all a bit rushed things seemed to go ok.
You know the saying if some thing seems too good to be true it usually is? …well
When we were out and about I steadily noticed he was checking out girls, like it wasn’t something I imagined .. it was a real vile gut instinct I’d had for a while.
During a recent argument I raised it with him and he made the foulest admission he was sexually attracted to teenage girls and often as a single man he was drive home from work and masturbate thinking about them.
He said he would never act upon those feelings as in harm them in any way but surely this admission IS a form of harm isnt it??
This man is 63 years old!! I’m sickened to the very core and sometimes I don’t feel I can go on .. he seemed a nice guy .. he has his flaws but never in a million years did I think he was that man!
I need to move out but I’m still waiting to sell my house and I have huge debts and apart from pitching a tent on the marsh nearby my housing options are limited so I’m biding my time til my house sells …
Please understand I’m a good person, a decent person with strong morals and this has destroyed me … please help!

Child Marrage High Prevalence Countries: Niger, Chad, Mali, Bangladesh, Guinea, Central African Republic, Mozambique, and Nepal had rates above 50% between 1998 and 2007.

According to 2018 UNICEF data, roughly 21% of young women (aged 20-24) globally were married before age 18, representing a 25% decrease over the previous decade.

Humankind still got a long way to go.

Sexually mature females are still seen as a resource/ property in some places of the world.

I'd tell them what he said and do a clares law.

So it a nutshell, yes, you think grown men would 'respond' to young girls provided they have gone through/showing signs of puberty.

You say it so nonchalantly like its fine and we're all snowflakey for being disturbed by this. Even if this is something that can't be helped, it is still a repulsive thought for women and men (that dont 'respond' in this way). Your responses have been very robotic.

I literally said it’s not fine, and acting upon it is
not accepted or tolerated in modern society. It remains, however, a fixed component of our physiology. I don’t understand why you’re struggling with this concept.

By 'People' you mean men.

He’s told you this because he wants to normalise it for you so he can push your boundaries.

Thinking about it, but not acting on it, it’s okay, you can get your head around that. Next it will be exposing himself to a child, but not touching them. Or taking photos when no one is watching. And then next…each one will seem like a minor indiscretion, because your perspective of what’s normal will get all tangled up.

My mum met a man like this. He had been convicted of sexually abusing his own daughter. He told her over dinner on their first date. 😳 But he was a really nice (wealthy 🙄) man and he didn’t mean to hurt anyone and his boundaries just got confused and he was lonely and he’s autistic so doesn’t understand social cues anyway.

It started out with little things and now he’s completely groomed her. We are NC and neither of them have any contact with my dc, but in the years since, I know they go to naturist resorts, ‘family’ ones where children also must be naked unless in nappies still. Yes, such places actually bloody exist. She is his cover so he can be around these children. She says it’s fine, because the parents consent to him looking at their naked children by bringing them to such a place. He doesn’t touch any of them, so they’ll never know. No big deal apparently. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Completely disconnected from normal healthy boundaries.

Run, don’t walk, out of there. My mum has lost all her children and grandchildren for a man like this, and this is exactly how it all started.

I hope you have found somewhere to go OP. I think you have been given an unnecessarily hard time on this thread. Just in case that falls through or you need something longer term perhaps a homeshare arrangement might work for you for a while as an alternative option.

https://homeshareuk.org/about-homeshare/householders/what-is-homeshare/

It certainly doesn't feel like a fixed component of my physiology.

Despite what you may feel, it certainly is a part of human male physiology.

Really?? He admits being sexually attracted towards children, masturbates while driving upon seeing them .. and that’s normal to you? I’d report to the police, as I said upthread 🤷‍♀️

🤢

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.girlsnotbrides.es/articulos/nepals-child-brides-and-grooms-in-the-dalit-community/&ved=2ahUKEwjur6fkw9SSAxUVQEEAHdr5GwAQFnoECB0QAQ&usg=AOvVaw1H-ZygYLmI8PKoJsd065PN

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/shyamanthaasokan/nepal-has-child-grooms-who-are-married-off-as-young-as-seven

It's worth noting in Nepal the grooms are often children too, but this is not the case for most of the others.
Approximately 24–29% of girls in Chad are married before the age of 15, 6-10% below 15 in Nepal, 17% in Guinea are married below 15, 13%- 17% are married below 15 in Mozambique, 26% in the Central African Republic below 15, Niger 28% of girls are married before they turn 15. So in a lot of these countries, girls are mainly married post-15 (which is still horrible but not quite as young as 13, 14 etc), but a large proportion are often married below 15 too
This is driven by poverty often (the countries you named are all some of the poorest & least developed), fear of unmarried girls being raped (rape widespread in these places), purity beliefs & polygamous norms among other things. I don't think these should be seen as necessarily confirming that attraction to 13/14 yos or God forbid younger is standard for men globally.

Dr here. Pedophilia is a sexual preference. It is not their decision but a good few people will unfortunately have suffered abuse as a child.

Please dump him. He needs to see a psychiatrist.

If you were a doctor you'd know that paedophilia is sexual attraction to pre pubescent children, not teenagers.
You'd probably be able to spell it too.

I think you may have misinterpreted. Nobody is implying that sexually harassed girls have invited it subconsciously by 'advertising their sexual maturity'.

It always irks me that the term paedophilia is now equated with attraction to post pubescent individuals.

Just hang in there until you can get away from him. You clearly don’t have much choice at the minute. You must feel sick.

Should you tell the authorities? He sounds like he needs to be on a watch list at least. Maybe not now, but when you’ve left.
I hope you break free soon.

A watch list?? For what? Should we put every adult who is sexually attracted to teenagers on this watch list? It'll be a long long list!

I’m shocked he made such an admission and seemingly had no shame about it, just told you and expected what exactly? That you’d be cool with it? What an absolute creep. Obviously you have no choice but to leave and get your horrible ex out of your house too so you can have some peace. Some men are grim.

A lot of people have been watching too many cop shows.

You probably already know other terms exist.

Hebephilia is attraction to young sexually mature teens and ephebiphilia to older teens.

These should be in regular use. Epstein was a hebephile/ephebephile, not a paedophile.

It isn't paedophilia to be attracted to people who are sexually mature (unless they look as if that isn't possible) and it diminishes the harm done by people like that nursery worker sentenced this week to include the hebephiles in the same description.

It also messes up the understanding of the hebephiles crime which, unless there is physical coercion, is a skillful use of psychological coercion which is deeply sinister. Many people who thought Epstein did nothing wrong were misled by the apparent willingness of his victims to board planes and fly to their abusers.

You say 'teenagers'. What age are these teenagers?

That's the question.

Over 16, there is no law against being attracted and acting on the attraction.
Under 16, there are laws....he sounds like a sleazy dirty old man, but unless he has acted, (and wanking in the privacy of his own home doesn't count) I don't see what the police could do....I know what I would do though now he has 'shared',

Good luck OP.