Is it okay to have a casual relationship with someone that might cause upset in the family?

[sweetsandcakes]

The man in question is my mum’s cousin. Think he is my 2nd cousin. Share about 0.5% more DNA than the general population would do at random so technically not very genetically linked

My mum is very, very easy going but I wonder if this would cause trouble if word got out. Think that side of the family are extremely easy going and friendly. But maybe they’d enjoy the drama of this if they knew. Or if a pregnancy came out of it, for example. I get the sense we are the type to revel in scandals! That’s not going to happen and just an example of how the family dynamic works

He is older than me. Bit younger than my mum. My mum did have me fairly young.

Like many families nowadays, they saw each other a few times a year as children. But possibly see each other once every few/5 years at maximum now. We met at a family event in the summertime. I am now late 20s

This is possibly going to lead to sex. Maybe. Currently messaging each other random stuff. I like him a lot. Definitely want to sleep with him. Can’t and don’t want anything serious, for so many reasons, not just because we share a family tree!

Wondering if my mum will find this somewhat amusing or possibly upsetting? I don’t know. I share absolutely everything with her usually and we are good friends.

Fucking hell OP I can smell your desperation from here!

Download tinder, there’s loads of guys that just want a shag on there.

If this is real, then I think you might be the most naive poster I’ve seen on Mumsnet in about five years.

OP, you are mooning over your mother’s cousin like a lovesick teenager, going on about the special connection and his lovely eyes and how he makes you feel safe. You obviously have a ridiculous crush on him and there is no way on earth that you just want a brief fling with him.

And of course it’s going to get out one way or another that you’re seeing each other.

Finally, no decent human being is going to fuck his cousin’s much younger child, so the very fact of him apparently being up for it is in itself a massive red flag.

Honestly, just pick LITERALLY ANY OTHER MAN.

If he's your Mum's first cousin then he's your first cousin once removed.

If he's your second cousin then he's not your mum's first cousin.

Not that it really matters anyway in terms of the potential fall out, but you seem determined on it. Do he and your mum have the same grandparents?

Ewwww

OP if he’s your second cousin then that means he’s your moms first cousin , to be fair that’s fairly closely related ..

You have to be really careful not to bring too strong a DNA into the mix.
I'll never forget an old friend of mine dated a distant cousin and had an unexpected baby which had a paw instead of a hand

No your second cousin is your parent’s cousin’s child.

this man is (I think?) op’s mum’s cousin, so her first cousin once removed.

@sweetsandcakes to confirm, your mum and he have parents who are siblings?

If he’s your mother’s cousin, then he’s your first cousin once removed. Not your second cousin. So that means sharing 3-9% of DNA which would potentially be dangerous for a pregnancy.

you are young, he is older and experienced in getting women to shag him.

this is all filthy

1st cousin marriage is legal here because the govt is afraid of offending a group who commonly do this. In other countries it’s absolutely illegal. It also causes birth defects. It is sick incest, even though OP is first cousin once removed.

and age gap relationships often feature a predatory or dirty old man

It'd be fine if you didn't know he was your second cousin. But because you do, it's really weird.

I could easily meet my second cousin and have absolutely no idea.

First cousin marriage might be legal but it is very much looked down upon outside of certain cultures. However, the issue here is that the OP wants to have sex, purely for the sake of having sex, with her mum’s relative and keep it all a secret because of potential backlash within the family.

I would feel so ill if my cousin shagged my daughter. It’s disgusting. Do you have male cousins? Could you imagine them sleeping with your future daughter?
I would say he is a walking red flag, and without meaning to be rude, it’s alarming how desperate you must be to want to shag someone that would potentially upset your entire family and that you had to triple check wasn’t your first cousin. Also if he’s your mums first cousin he isn’t your second cousin. I believe He’s your first cousin once removed.

So - a second cousin means that he is the child of your mother’s cousin? (As a pp said, if the man is himself your mother’s cousin then he is a first cousin once removed. And that’s a different genetic link.) I’m sort of on the fence with this as my mother was very close to her cousins on her mother’s side, but not at all on her father’s. As a result, I have a second cousin who is more like a brother to me and therefore the thought of having sex with him is truly horrible. But - on the other hand - I don’t know my other set of second cousins at all, so I’m sure I could meet one and forge a romantic link with one of them as easily as I could with any other stranger. It sounds like your situation is somewhere in between those two extremes, so it’s hard to advise without knowing how those relationships exactly work in your family.

Your desperation is going to lead you to huge problems in the future. Nobody here thinks it's a good idea to have sex with your mother's cousin a) because he's not your generation, b) because he's your cousin and c) because he's the sort of man who will sleep with a young relative.

Exactly if OPS mom & this guy are first cousins then their parents are siblings , I thought that would make him & OP second cousins 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why would anyone need to know? Couldn’t you just not tell anyone?

Cringeville 🤮
You’re having us on 👏

If my daughter slept with my cousin I would definitely think they would have close DNA.

it would be awkward and weird I’m afraid.

Honestly....Don't shit where you eat.

If you need a shag just find some fella in a pub or bar.

My issue isn't the 2nd cousins thing... its the messiness of it all. it would actually make a lot more sense if you thought he was the love your life / you could build a future together.

He just sounds like a gross creep tbh...

The world is full of men who are not related to you. Would it be so difficult to find just one who has nice eyes?

I have 1 male cousin who’s 21 and my DD12 and we don’t go with second cousin he’s her cousin that’s it. Omg I’d kill him!!!! It’s so wrong you share blood and DNA.

Exactly if OPS mom & this guy are first cousins then their parents are siblings , I thought that would make him & OP second cousins

If he's the OP's mum's cousin then they share grandparents and the OP is one step removed from those grandparents.

If he's the OP's Mum's cousin's child then it's two steps up before there is a common set of grandparents therefore they'd be second cousins.

This is grim. Don’t sleep with family members- there are plenty of other men further afield.

No, it would make them first cousins once removed.

they would be second cousins if their parents were cousins.

I dunno. I'd avoid this if possible. Obviously if you really think you are in love then you have to give it a go... 2nd cousin, altho a bit socially taboo, isn't a massive genetic issue no. But is it worth the comments and drama for a casual relationship?