Is it okay to have a casual relationship with someone that might cause upset in the family?

[sweetsandcakes]

The man in question is my mum’s cousin. Think he is my 2nd cousin. Share about 0.5% more DNA than the general population would do at random so technically not very genetically linked

My mum is very, very easy going but I wonder if this would cause trouble if word got out. Think that side of the family are extremely easy going and friendly. But maybe they’d enjoy the drama of this if they knew. Or if a pregnancy came out of it, for example. I get the sense we are the type to revel in scandals! That’s not going to happen and just an example of how the family dynamic works

He is older than me. Bit younger than my mum. My mum did have me fairly young.

Like many families nowadays, they saw each other a few times a year as children. But possibly see each other once every few/5 years at maximum now. We met at a family event in the summertime. I am now late 20s

This is possibly going to lead to sex. Maybe. Currently messaging each other random stuff. I like him a lot. Definitely want to sleep with him. Can’t and don’t want anything serious, for so many reasons, not just because we share a family tree!

Wondering if my mum will find this somewhat amusing or possibly upsetting? I don’t know. I share absolutely everything with her usually and we are good friends.

We are just talking generally at the moment, and quite a lot. No, don’t think he is trying to cause trouble - He is ‘well regarded’ within the extended family and their poster boy, if you like. Not sure how else to describe things. His mum has always spoken extensively about his exotic, high contrast features and everyone in that family adores him

He is the one they call if they need something sorting etc

That’s much easier to accomplish with men who don’t have connections to your family. What if you’re thinking it’s a one time thing but he wants more? The next family event will be so awkward.

Presumably your mum’s parent and one of his parents are siblings? Which means one of his grandparents is the same person as one of your great-grandparents?

I wouldn’t go there for a bit of casual fun, even less so if it was for the long-term. In fact, I’d just look for a man who was completely unrelated to anybody in my own family to start a romantic relationship with.

Just yuck

Dear god - no. If either my son or my daughter was in a relationship with any of my cousins I'd be very unimpressed with both parties.

There are so many more people in the world you could go for...

Gosh OP, I think you are perhaps a bit naive to the cultural perception of cousin relationships - even second cousins. I think regardless of how close you are to your mum or how easygoing she is, finding out about a cousin relationship would be unsettling at best. And the same for anyone who found out really. It is quite a taboo.

Edited to add it's taboo for good reason!

Honestly it would horrify me. DD and I have a very small age gap so her eventually dating someone close to my age is a real possibility, but my cousin? Please never 😭 it sounds wrong on so many levels.

Even recently my godmother told my mum her son and I could be so happy together and I’m still disgusted, I was planning on visiting him and now I don’t want to go. In my mind we were raised as relatives, I would never look at him romantically.

You sound like you have made your mind up so not sure what you want from this thread. Just because you want to do something it doesn't mean you should. My prediction is that you will regret this at some point.

OP how would you feel if your daughter was shagging one of your cousins?

Curious how this pans out

I don’t know because I don’t have any first cousins or other cousins (apart from my mum’s and their DC) to compare this to. None of my aunts or uncles have had children, strangely

Don’t mess about on your doorstep. If it goes wrong- one of you catches feelings, unexpected pregnancy, it’s a family drama and upsets far more people- it isn’t just your business anymore.

You not having cousins probably explains why you haven't seen an issue with this. Growing up with cousins isn't much further away from the bond developed with siblings for many families.

Do it and report back. For our entertainment.

I have to be honest.
It reads as though you don’t get much attention and this is the first man that’s showed you attention.

He doesn’t even sound interested in you in that way (why would he be, you’re family).

Are you that desperate for attention, that you are considering having sex and even imagining having a baby with a man simply because he was nice to you?!

Fuck your mum, the rest of the family, your current kids, future kids and your reputation all for some dick?

ewwwwww

Your mum and the cousin share grandparents and the cousin’s parents will be your mums aunt/uncle - you share great grandparents with him. Seems pretty related to me

It reads as though you don’t get much attention and this is the first man that’s showed you attention.

Exactly. It’s quite likely he is either isn’t interested and you don’t know to read the signs properly or else he just wants a fuck for the (perceived) challenge without realising you have no self respect or respect for your family.

I honestly think this is such a shit idea, please don’t do it. Someone in my family did something similar half a century ago nearly and it has still caused a fallout quite recently as well as at the time. Genuinely. Cousins shagging (he’s your first cousin once removed by the way) does not go down well with the general populace.

Find someone older with lovely eyes whose mum wasn’t your great aunt.

I also can’t imagine anything more off putting for someone you wanted to be in a future relationship with than hearing that you were casually fucking your relative. That’s got “run a mile” written all over it.

His aunt is your granny (I think). That’s… way too close.

Ew OP, download Tinder and for the love of God stop using family parties as a dating pool!! You as a bare minimum need to cast your net wider than family relations!

Eeeee god no

OP if you don’t have experience of having your own 1st cousin then you really need to listen to the majority here.

my cousins were regarded as almost brothers and sisters. We saw each other about the same frequency when we were young, much less now but I still regard them as almost siblings

not only would I be fuming at this but the age gap would be grim as well, making it even worse.

my skin crawls with the thought of my daughter being with my cousin. It’s a huge no

Out of all the man in the world, really!?