Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

I am waiting on the girlfriend recruiting the husband as senior partner in her newly formed company.

After all the Op informed us on many occasions that there was no other companies in their town and that any new job for the unfaithful husband would be miles and miles and miles away.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon lol I like the way you think, but there's absolutely no way it will ever happen. I just don't understand why out of all other places, she will decide to move back and start her own company in our town. H also feels uneasy about it.

@Strawberrina can you start a new thread and link it to this one as you only have 2 comments left after this is full ?

Hi @AnonAnonmystery I'm not aware that there is a limit on the total number of comments in a thread... or is there?

@cheesycheesy he's not shagging her. It's difficult to shag someone who lives 5 hours away.
I just don't understand why she has the need to return and set up her own company in our town.

@Strawberrina I'm really sorry to hear this OP. I hope you have been able to start repairing your marriage. It’s a long road. And there is a limit of 1000 comments

I think it’s his lifestyle he was trying to save, his job, home, finances, securing his retirement.
I don’t think he had any intentions to ever leave you for the OW, it was just ‘exciting’ for him.

I can understand why you don’t want to give up on a long marriage though. I hope you can be happy again, not sure you’ll ever really trust him though. He’s treated you terribly.

H said today that he wants to go to a conference, which is happening next week. He is expected to go by the management, but can still get out of it if he wants to. So, not mandatory. I don't know how I feel about it tbh. He also doesn't know if the OW will be there, she might.

Either you go with him, or if it’s not mandatory he stays here. If you’re reconciling with him he needs to show you just how much your feelings come first at the moment. If he doesn’t need to be there, why does he want to go?
It’s not being controlling OP to ask this. It can’t go on forever, of course because that’s not normal or healthy, you need to deal with your very understandable temporary insecurities. Until that time, however, he needs to show you that your feelings come first.
You’re getting told that he’s only staying for the lifestyle, he’s still shagging her, if you feel bad then tough, you decided to stay with a cheat so that’s on you etc etc.
In some cases this is true, reconciliation always carries horrible risks and any of the above could be true. However, this is pretty standard fare for this forum and you’ll often get those who aren’t really giving constructive warnings about reconciliation, with supporting you in mind, just barely veiled jibes at you for being so delusional as to think you matter to him and for staying with a cheat. It’s not helpful and pretty mean sometimes.
Many men, who don’t want to leave their wives because they like being married to their wife, love their wife, as well as their home, family and lifestyle, still cheat for a myriad of reasons.
It is obvious that this is not loving, kind behaviour with their wives’ needs a top priority. Of course it isn’t. It’s selfish and pretty vile behaviour. But cheating often gets boiled down to a simple formula of “if he shags her he doesn’t love you.” As people are very ready to point out “life isn’t black and white” and cheating isn’t always that simple to explain.
Cheating happens for a massive amount of reasons, all of which are to do with the cheat, nobody else, because of their own shitty issues. That’s not an excuse for it, it’s a reason. There are no excuses for cheating. Alcoholics, criminals and addicts of any kind can love their family very much, but are still able to make terrible choices which cost them those relationships, because what they’re using as a crutch for their issues often overrides that.
Deliberately choosing something which hurts your loved ones and only benefits you does not necessarily mean that you love them any less, it means you have your own shit to deal with for your sake and theirs. It doesn’t mean you have to give second chances though, they are all valid deal breakers and only you get to decide if you want to try again, nobody else matters, they don’t have to live your life.
Change never comes without a crisis point and hopefully his crisis point has taught him the lesson he needed to learn about himself.
He cheated because of him, not you.
It’s very likely he doesn’t want to lose you OP, as his wife and the person he chose to marry. If he loves you and his life, he’ll be wise enough to make the changes he needs to make now and if he doesn’t, you need to be wise enough to choose you.
Whatever the outcome, you have chosen to reconcile so he needs to be over the top showing you that you come first. Reconciliation isn’t just ending an affair and expecting normal service to resume. It’s a shit ton of hard work from him and consistently showing you that he chose you, not his home, bank account and comfy chair in front of the telly. And certainly not her or a bloody conference. There are consequences for what he did and temporarily putting you first at the expense of his wishes, whilst you heal from the trauma he caused, is one of them.

You’re looking at this all wrong. You’ve made her central to the story. What’s wrong in your marriage should be the focus. Why did his stray? Why is she still in your marriage? You both need some honesty and internal focus. You think that if this woman left planet earth that your marriage would be saved? It wouldn’t without both of you putting in some serious work and that means honesty. I’ve read most of what you’ve written over the past months and it’s all about her. Remove her and there will be another woman unless you both work hard on who you are to each other, what’s wrong and how you’re (together) going to fix it. Him being a cheat and liar is not your fault at all. His behaviour is disgusting. You (whether you realise it or not) excuse his vile behaviour because she’s manipulative and he is weak. COME ON! He’s got off very lightly. He needs to put in some serious work on himself. He’s not someone who has just made a mistake. He has repeatedly and knowingly committed adultery for his own pleasure and ego and gratification. He has abused his position of power at work (and should be fired for that). He has time and time again been deceitful. He has fessed up when forced to and then gone and done it again (it never ended obviously). If he’s in love with you and wants to be with you he should be living in fear. Utter dread that unless he puts in the ground work, he’s out on his ass yet I don’t think he fears this at all. And he will do it again as there are zero consequences. His parents and siblings should know too. It’s time for you to get angry and for him to take a good hard look at himself. He’s not the kind smart man he thinks. He is an abusive cheat and liar and for your marriage to work he has to change himself. And you need to love yourself more.

Oh and you check his phone? Check for the hidden message apps that adulterers use and spouses don’t know about.

To be closer to her boyfriend, obviously.

I imagine in their line of work there would be a lot of crossover? A lot of meetings, networking, etc. Escaping her entirely would be almost impossible I’d have thought.
It’s like you are both playing ‘pick me’ only he doesn’t need to as had both of you for so long. I agree with pp even if this woman moves on (probably the best bet).

I think the trust has gone from your relationship, this has been going on for such a huge length of time. You talk more about the OW than your DH. Do you love him? Does he love you and do you communicate this? Are you I intimate, is there mutual affection? Does he want to stay married? Not asking you to answer but to ask yourself and him these questions.
Ultimately are you happy to carry on as it’s easier, your lives are and finances are intertwined and wait for it to just fizzle out over time. It seems to have done just that in any case if she’s now moved away.

A word of warning, we have staff working past retirement, if they’re that way inclined it doesn’t end. It’s almost always men, especially if senior. I’m working with someone now, different organisation, who is closer to 70 than 60, has dealt with terribly ill health more than once but pulled through and who is still of this ‘tendency’ shall we say. Says marriage is over, just together for the convenience, separate lives, beds. I’m sure if his wife knew she was spoken of this way, she would be upset (maybe she would see it as banter, maybe it’s the truth, maybe they both feel the same, maybe he just overshares. I don’t know). He’s a lovely person to be around, charismatic and if we were both single, or if I were single, lonely with low morals I can see how things could start
I guarantee your DH has put time and effort in to his workplace relationship or it would never have happened and that means it could happen again with someone new. Even if it goes nowhere and is only emotional or an ego boost, it still hurts.

I’d heavily invest in your female friendships and make a life for yourself too, get out more without him.

Why did he start the affair OP did he ever say? Does he still love her OP? that’s the bit that would be the nail in the coffin for me. But I can still see why you would want to save what you have built. I don’t feel from your posts that he owns much shame at all?

Quick edit just to say for those saying he should be fired, it doesn’t work like that. Not unless there’s been a complaint from her in this case. I’ve seen it play out more than once, an affair is separate, unless it’s impacting work. The most they would do is have a word and separate them, if that’s possible.

@Strawberrina My husband had an affair with his direct report, I never saw it coming. He did what your husband did, the affair restarted. I tried to hang on to my marriage, through fear mainly, but I knew that the man I had married was gone, and I took the decision to divorce, it was the right decision for me.
My advice to you is to seek your own counselling, it really helps.
know that if you choose to stay with him that your marriage will be very different, you will never fully trust him again. You will be visited by intrusive thoughts of the two of them, you will question your value, attractiveness, your very being- if you can handle living that life , then maybe you will be able to continue together, but I couldn’t do it.
Good luck

@Ryah76 Thank you for your comment.
May I ask how long you tried to keep your marriage together before you made the decision to divorce?

Then if it’s not convenient for you (and I mean you singular, not you plural) to move, and there are no “suitable” jobs nearby, he’s just going to have to put up with a longer commute.

15 months this thread has trundled on for, sometimes the Op vanishes for weeks/months then decides to come back with an ' update '

Never once did she take ' advice ' as she requested in her opening post / title.

40 pages and the Op never ever even spoke to a solicitor for ' advice '

We're now on about 992 posts, and I'm adding this one to get the thread that little bit closer to 1000. Forty pages, and those of us who have written lots of posts trying to advise OP may as well have saved our breath, as it were. Though she'll surely start another one soon along the lines 'My H's former (???) affair partner has moved back to our town and I've reported her to the police for driving down our street. AIBU?'

No-one is obliged to follow advice or act on anything. OP is at liberty to post or not post, update or not as she pleases.

I don't think she's ever really got that close to ending the relationship from what I've read of her posts, so why would she see a solicitor?

Sorry I’ve only just come to this thread. He had no intention of changing jobs hence he “looked but didn’t apply”. You say moving would completely tip your life around but that is exactly what is needed. The other options are divorce which would also change everything. If you did divorce I assume you would want to leave anyway so would have to leave your job. Otherwise you put up with it and let him have his affair partner for good. Especially if she is coming back to your town. Your husband isn’t remorseful in terms of having the affair, he is remorseful you found out. He would continue if she was still around.

That they are still at the same company (albeit different locations) means they may still connect and there is this conference.

You say he’s trying to keep you. He’s trying to keep you and if possible still have the other woman. He’s not sacrificing anything for you. He’s merely placating you

I’m sorry I couldn’t live like this. It would mess me up mentally thinking about it 24/7 and the pressure of trying to keep the OW and DH apart would be too much. Your husband should be moving heaven and earth for you and if not willing that shows his choice is you. You write like he can’t help it and she is a stalker but don’t forget he admitted to being in love with her.

Instead of pondering why she does what she does maybe you need to think about why you have chosen to stay with someone that cheats on you, lies to you and gaslights you. Why her presence worries you so much. You wouldnt need to be concerned if you had a loyal, loving, respectful and faithful partner.

I stayed with him for 7 months. Some said it was 7 months to long, but I had to be sure that I had tried everything I could to try and save my marriage, but it wasn’t easy and my mental health was affected.

@BillyBoe46 Thanks for your comment. I'm aware of that, but the affair has already happened and I need to deal with the aftermath of it, as does my husband!

There is no denying that I still see her as somewhat of a threat. Husband went to a conference this week and she was there! He told me it's unlikely she will attend as she usually doesn't go to events like that.

But your husband hasn’t had to deal with the aftermath of the affair because you’ve just forgiven him and pretended it hasn’t happened.

Nothing in his life changed. He wasn’t kicked out of the house, you didn’t separate, he didn’t move jobs. He had a little jolly off work for a while and now everything has gone back to how it was.

You have absolutely no idea if they’re still in contact or not. You’re just telling yourself they’re not because it’s easier for you to bury your head in the sand

The only person who is a threat to your marriage is your husband.