Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

So zero consequences for your husband then. At least he now knows that he can get away with it. Good luck OP, you're going to need it.

' and discussing it as a family,'

really ?

you discussed this returning to work with your adult children and / or his parents.

and that was the longest ever extended leave, it increased along with this thread...

' He will be going on annual leave and then long service leave for 5 months, from late August this year to late January next year.'

the above is from you last April.

It's now June.

But what is the update? You wrote a post on 24 April (2026, to be clear, not 2025, as this thread has been going since then) stating that OW 'has moved to a different town although she's still with the same company'. You also wrote in that post that your H 'hasn't set up his own firm' and that he 'extended his leave, which will now conclude in mid-June' (though you're now saying the end of June, so his leave will have been 10 months, right?). So I'm not quite sure what the point is of this latest update that's merely repeating information you wrote here a few weeks ago.

Good luck Op.

Op I'm not going to criticise you either. I made the stupid mistake of staying with my ex wife for another 4 years after her affair. She like your husband put her career and her affair first. She didn't care about me, her daughter or the other woman who's partner she was sleeping with.
Your husband is waiting in the wings for this other woman. He will just be more careful now so you don't catch him again until he is sure she is in love.
Good luck. You will lose so much sleep with the stress of worrying over the next couple of years.

He was never leaving his job op. At no point did this become a real possibility in his mind. He’s spun you a massive yarn I’m afraid

@Strawberrina a great deal of your updates are met with anger and little advice.
How are you feeling right now and do you need any targeted help amd advice to help you ?

This thread has been going for 14 months and is now close to 40 pages. Lots and lots of people took the time and effort to give OP advice and support. She took none of it, and ignored most posts. You can call it 'anger' if you like, but I think a lot of us who've been trying to help and advise her since the start of the thread just got frustrated. Obviously she's a free agent and can do whatever she likes, and ignore advice if she wants, but please don't claim that she hasn't already received plenty of what you call 'targeted help and advice' here.

@Calliecarpa yes I know, I’ve been on this thread a long time too! I meant targeted advice for where @Strawberrina is right now. I imagine it’s quite lonely for you, she probably has told no one in real life. I agree it’s frustrating but she wants to turn a blind eye so I’d rather help her get what ever she needs to in her current situation, it certainly was not an attack on posters. Sadly a lot of women stay with their cheating husbands did lots of different reasons.

I'm afraid I'm not quite sure what the point is of giving her any more advice, because she'll ignore it, fail to acknowledge that anyone's bothered to try never mind thank them, then pop up again in a few weeks to tell us that OW has left the company and the town, H is still on extended leave, H has not made the slightest effort to set up his own company or to look for another job, that she herself has done nothing at all, and that nothing at all has changed.

@AnonAnonmystery

The Op got sooooo much advice, which she totally ignored.

She was advised to see a solicitor at the very least, she never ever did during the 14 months this thread has been running.

The Op confirmed on 24th April this year, which was her previous ' update ' that she had not seen a solicitor.

edited as I tagged the wrong poster.

I know all this I’m just saying be kind!

Hi @MrTiddlesTheCat thanks for your message. What do you think is likely to happen in the future? I concede, it is sometimes difficult for me to see things objectively.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Yes, I know, he did extend his leave. He is entitled to long service leave of 3 months after he worked for the organisation for 10 years. He also accumulated heaps of annual leave during those 10 years of service.

Understandably, he used up pretty much all of it by now and has very little leave saved now that he's returning to work.

@summitfever I'm starting to think this way too... Although, to be fair, we do need the money!

I’m pretty sure the OP is in Australia. The rest of it sounds like bullshit though, at least I hope it is. Because if it’s real the OP needs to wise up and open her eyes.

@Passwordsaremynemesis you are correct, I live in Australia.

I feel for you. It’s easy to believe now they’re apart that the feelings will vanish and he’ll move on but it doesn’t always work that way. I had an EA with a colleague that started 2.5 years ago and ended almost 2 years ago when he had to move away for work so it didn’t even go on too long and it wasn’t physical. I still think about him.

My marriage survived, we went to counselling and worked through it but it doesn’t mean I ever fully switched the feelings for the other man off because I didn’t. I have zero contact with him and haven’t for 18 months so he’s very much out of sight but not out of mind however hard I try. Feelings don’t just disappear like that.

Your DH will still be processing it and if he actually loved her, it definitely won’t just go away with the click of fingers because she isn’t around. He will still think of her for some time, I understand that must be tough to accept. You can only control you ultimately. Best of luck.

What is likely to happen in the future is that your husband will cheat again, if he isn’t already.

He has been shown by you that his behaviour was perfectly acceptable and his life didn’t change one bit.

Hi @Yellowshirt thank you for your comment. I'm sorry that this happened to you, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
The OW moved to a different town, around 5 hours' drive away from where we live, but she still works in the same company as my H. Why do you say he is waiting in the wings for her?

Because he knows he can get away with it. He can sleep with another woman and because you like your lifestyle too much to walk away he will get no consequences. There's a high chance he'll wait until you've let your guard down and then either resume the affair or find another mistress. You've shown him you won't actually do anything about it so he thinks he has nothing to lose - he'll just be more careful next time.

Read up “betrayal bind”. It helps to explain what you are going through OP.

Thanks @EnjoyThePettyLiar!

Do you not still feel angry towards him though OP? At the entitlement and just the sheer silliness of him, falling for someone 25 years younger , when he is much closer to the OWs father's age?

Do you really still respect and love him? Your feelings haven't changed at all?

Have you confided in your adult DC?