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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband had an affair - advice needed!

921 replies

Strawberrina · 09/04/2025 11:13

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Reddog1 · 10/04/2025 07:28

He’s treated both of you abominably. He sounds sleazy and selfish.

It’s possible that she’ll move on with a man of her age who can be with her properly, and her relationship with your husband will fizzle out. But he might move on to someone else at that point having got away with cheating already. I think that a clean break now will cause you far less pain in the long term OP although it’ll be difficult in the early months. I’d be seeing a solicitor asap in your position.

EleanorRigby2U · 10/04/2025 07:50

It’s easier said than done to leave a job but it should be something he is looking into. I think people reconcile with husbands who have no real interest in reconciliation and then end up more hurt. If you are going to work on it then you need to make sure you are on the same page.
Ask him/yourself these questions:
Does he want to work on the marriage and stay in it? Is yes, why yes? What are his reasons for wanting it?
Is he willing to look for another job and possibly relocate?
Is he still having inappropriate communication with this woman? Working together won’t be an issue if they’ve decided the relationship needs to stop. But it is an issue if they are still texting and chatting and keeping an emotional connection

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 10/04/2025 10:24

My DH had an affair with a colleague he still works with but they are based and live in different countries.
We are ten months in and she's blocked on everything but work email. He tells me whenever he has an email from her and if he absolutely has to reply he copies someone else in.
I still find it traumatic that they have even that level of contact.
I don't think affairs mean you have leave if you're both putting the effort in but I could not cope with the level of contact your husband still has with his affair partner - my heart breaks for you as I know what torture that is for you.
If you're marriage will survive, for you to survive in it, he has to change jobs fast. I'd ask him to move out until he has a new job. The best thing I did for our marriage was ask my husband to leave when he was still not properly committed. It took 3 days for him to beg to come home and another few weeks until I let him.
Use the time to build your own self worth. Sending lots of hugs as I know this is brutal

Isthiswhatmenthink · 10/04/2025 18:36

My advice would be that if he’s not still shagging her, he wants to, and will continue to do so. In my eyes this is not a reconcilable betrayal and you would be an utter mug to stay married to this predatory scumbag.

QueefQueen80s · 10/04/2025 19:24

The age gap alone is disgusting

Mrsgreen100 · 10/04/2025 19:31

my ex had an affair I forgave him and we reconciled he was mortified sorry went to therapy et cetera et cetera. 25 years later I stayed with the arsehole. I found out that he cheated with various women for 25 years once a cheater always a cheater.

MrsKeats · 10/04/2025 19:32

My advice is divorce. You can’t trust him ever again.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 10/04/2025 21:26

No Contact is an essential part of Reconciliation

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:14

OchreRaven · 09/04/2025 12:20

I feel for you. I’m not sure I could live like that even if I truly believed it was over. Did he confess or did you find out? Are you certain it is not still going on/ wouldn’t start up again?

If you have any doubts then your marriage won’t survive them working together in such an intimate setting. You need to face that reality. If your marriage is worth more than money and/ or you are willing to move then that’s a choice he can make. If he prioritises his career and other woman over your family then you have your answer.

Hi @OchreRaven I found out. I then called him and asked him about it, and he admitted it. I found out as they were changes in his behaviour. Thank you for your advice, a lot to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:17

Eggsboxedandmelting · 09/04/2025 12:36

Urgh even if no opportunity to have sex with her he is still having a day to day relationship with her..
He broke his vows and therefore your marriage is over imo.

Yes @Eggsboxedandmelting that's what concerns me... He still sees her at work 5 days a week and has a day to day relationship with her, even if it's only a working relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:20

Odiebay · 09/04/2025 12:33

Get yourself over to the surviving infidelity website.

How aptly I would be long gone but of you are determined to stay there are certain no negotiables for me... He needs to find another job.

He is on a serious abuse of power stance here being her manager. 25 years his junior...disgusting

Hi @Odiebay yes, I agree with you that he needs to find another job, the difficulty is that in our city his types of roles and with his salary are very few and far between.

OP posts:
AnotherMondayYay · 22/04/2025 09:23

Report them to their boss. He’s breached his trust as her senior.

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:24

FartSock5000 · 09/04/2025 12:44

@Strawberrina nothing has changed, has it? He has told you what you needed to hear but done absolutely nothing to prioritise your marriage.

If he could, he would.

He needed to quit his job. He needed to go to therapy to unpack why he did what he did and how he can resist in the future.

He has done zero self work on himself and he is very likely still cheating because there have been no consequences. You've stuck your head in the sand to mask to pain and it won't work.

You didn't deserve this. You DESERVE to be loved, respected and be your partner's main priority.

Think on it.

Hi @FartSock5000 you are very right that nothing has changed for him... this does anger me to some extent. Thanks for your advice, a lot to think about. I really don't know what I should do. I do love him and we are trying to work on our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:27

AnotherMondayYay · 22/04/2025 09:23

Report them to their boss. He’s breached his trust as her senior.

@AnotherMondayYay yes, but then he will most likely lose his job? Which means we will only live on my salary. I'm not sure me reporting them to their boss would help our family.
Our two children are in their twenties and provide for themselves.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 22/04/2025 09:28

I genuinely don't think I could stay with my DH if he continued to work with his affair partner. For our marriage to survive he'd have to be very serious about prioritising our marriage above all else and going no contact with the other woman. If there were no jobs in our town I'd expect him to commute elsewhere.
Your DH didn't admitbto the affair and is just carrying on like nothing's happened. I think it's very likely they're still having an affair.

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:33

Lovegame · 09/04/2025 14:14

Has he applied for any other jobs?

Hi @Lovegame no, he hasn't applied for any other jobs. He has been looking, but hasn't applied anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:35

category12 · 09/04/2025 14:44

Is he looking for another job?

I think he ought to be applying for everything going.

Hi @category12 he has looked a bit online, but has not applied for anything. He is quite high in his role where he is now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:37

Reddog1 · 10/04/2025 07:28

He’s treated both of you abominably. He sounds sleazy and selfish.

It’s possible that she’ll move on with a man of her age who can be with her properly, and her relationship with your husband will fizzle out. But he might move on to someone else at that point having got away with cheating already. I think that a clean break now will cause you far less pain in the long term OP although it’ll be difficult in the early months. I’d be seeing a solicitor asap in your position.

Hi @Reddog1 thank you for your advice, a lot to consider. He did admit having feelings for the OW. He says that he loves two women, but in different ways.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 22/04/2025 09:50

Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 09:37

Hi @Reddog1 thank you for your advice, a lot to consider. He did admit having feelings for the OW. He says that he loves two women, but in different ways.

Show quote history

If my husband had said that to me, he’d have been handed his arse on a plate!
He's got off Scott free here.

Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:07

rainbowstardrops · 22/04/2025 09:50

If my husband had said that to me, he’d have been handed his arse on a plate!
He's got off Scott free here.

Show quote history

@rainbowstardrops Would you have divorced your husband if he said that to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:08

Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:07

@rainbowstardrops Would you have divorced your husband if he said that to you?

Show quote history

I don't even know what's normal anymore...

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:10

Lovegame · 09/04/2025 14:14

Has he applied for any other jobs?

Hi @Lovegame no, he hasn't applied for any other jobs. He has looked, but hasn't applied.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrina · 22/04/2025 10:12

Flin · 09/04/2025 14:39

How did you find out OP? Unfortunately I agree with others that it's likely he is still cheating.

Hi @Flin I found out as I saw some subtle changes in his behaviour... like he became more concerned about his looks and what he was wearing etc.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 22/04/2025 10:17

My heart aches for you, I can feel your pain.
It's very easy saying to leave him, it's especially hard when you love him.
However, he is saying he loves the ow and he is still working with her. The chances are high this is still continuing or will resume again, you have gave him no consequences. Honestly, I would leave, I couldn't live like this. I'm so sorry x

scoobysnaxx · 22/04/2025 10:17

So he admitted he loved her too?

fuck that OP. The affair is probably still going on.