Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

Hi all. First post on Mumsnet. I am a dad. Not as mum. Google tells me it’s OK to post on here and I hope that you agree. I can’t say I’ve been though all 37 pages of this thread but what i have read has been really helpful.

I have an equivalence with the OP and I have her feelings. I discovered that my wife was having an affair with her boss (of a small owner-managed family business) 6 weeks ago. Since D-Day we have been in trauma. And she has continued the relationship at work and through sexting that I discovered.

My wife blames me. She says that our marriage has been loveless. That she has felt imprisoned at home. And that she has felt human again through her work and this relationship. She says that she is in love with him.

I empathise and I accept blame for my part of the marriage failing. But everything I hear from friends, read on here, and elsewhere, tells me my marriage is over. It’s difficult to know whether this is email algorithms reinforcing a position in an echo chamber. Or could my marriage be saved?

OP, I feel for you. I too am trying to find any excuse to stay. But I am in trauma and don’t know how to act. I’m at the precipice and it looks horrifying. I’m glad to share this with a mostly female group. I just feel the need to test my thinking. thank you.

Why do you want to stay in a loveless marriage? Why are you trying to cling on to being married when neither of you are happy and now you also can’t trust her ever again?

You can start your own thread and you will get a lot more responses. Try the Relationship board.

I'm not sure why you've added a post to someone else's thread rather than start your own, where you'd get a lot more responses. Maybe you should do that.

I'm also not quite sure why you're so determined to remain in your marriage now that your wife has told you openly that she's in love with her boss and you know her affair with him is ongoing. She has shown contempt for you and your marriage by telling you that she felt imprisoned and now feels free, and in blaming you for her own choice in starting an affair with her boss, of all people. Why on earth would you want to save your marriage after that? What is there to be saved?

It's not a question of 'everything telling me my marriage is over'. No one else except your wife can tell you that your marriage is over. It's very early days, only 6 weeks since your discovery, and you don't have to make any firm decisions yet. You also shouldn't blame yourself for what your wife has done. If she was so unhappy in the marriage, she had numerous other options besides shagging her freaking boss. It's not your fault.

Hi @FirmSwan I'm very sorry to hear that this happened to you. How are you doing now?

Is there a possibility that he could be seeing the OW whilst you're at work? Watch your back. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Hope you've had STI tests.

@FirmSwan the best thing to do is to start your own thread so as not to derail this one.
Bear in mind that men are not always treated kindly on Mumsnet, with kindness, thus might not be the best place for you. There are forums on the Surviving Infidelity website and on the Affair Recovery website, both free of charge, where you will find men as well as women in your position. There is far more understanding and compassion there.
Having said that, just for now, as this is @Strawberrina ‘s thread:

1: no matter what the state of your marriage or your part in that, her decision to cheat is not your fault, absolutely not. Accept no blame, you are in no way to blame for that decision.
Your marriage is 50% your responsibility and you have to own your half, but her decision to cheat as a way to deal with your marriage issues was 100% her decision, she could and should have chosen an honest option. Blaming you is just guilt deflection and an unwillingness to own her responsibility for her dishonest choices. She is also 50% responsible for the marriage and after she has fully owned her decision to betray you, might want to look in her own back yard.
2: whilst she is disrespecting you like this there is no way to stay in this marriage, at present she is acting as if she’s not married at all. Until/ if she stops the affair and wants back in, you need to plan for your future.
3: Give yourself time to accept what is going on and adjust to the new reality. Trauma causes damage so protect and take care of yourself, you can only control your behaviour, not hers, so look after your own wellbeing.
Find boundaries to protect yourself, tell her you cannot tolerate her affair or disrespect of your marriage and decide what ultimatum you need to set and how to follow through.
This isn’t on you, this is her unhealthy way of selfishly staying with you and getting her kicks elsewhere. Don’t accept blame for that, she had options.

Sorry this has happened to you, it’s horrible.

That website is toxic. Constant self help books and argumentative folk on there.
I dared mention reconciliation and had a tirade of abuse back.
I found it to be a group of people who have been hurt in the past and cannot give anything other than their own dogma of reconciliation is wrong and punishment is needed.

Like here sometimes 😂

I am so sorry you are going through this. It absolutly sucks and there is no worse feeling.

My wife had a year long affair a while back and it broke me.

We did reconsile but not for a while. To start with there was a lot of blame from her. Complete Teflon shoulders.

And reconciliation only happened after my wife had a realisation or revelation of what she had done. It was like a light switch got flicked. There was no more blaming everything else. She took 100% responsibility for her actions and put boundaries in place herself and still to this day works very hard to keep my trust. I have not asked for anything. She took it on herself to constantly let me know where she is. She stopped going out completely with people from work and she made it impossible for her affair partner to ever work at her place again.
There is a lot more she has done to earn back my trust and also a lot I have done to repair our marriage.

For my part. I made a promise when we actually decided to work on our marriage.

At no point ever will I use the affair in an arguement or to get my own way. We do still talk about it from time to time when something reminds me or when I have a dark day. But I have never brought it up when we argue about anything. I do not want that to ever be a weapon or something to use to make her feel bad or like she is not equal in our relationship.

Hi @Yowsers he definitely isn't seeing the OW while I'm at work. If he did, I would definitely pick up on the signs.

Blimey I’ve never come across that, they are incredibly strict and quick to remove posts and posters who are aggressive or dogmatic, you’re not even usually allowed to give stay/leave advice, just support or personal experience. Arguments are usually removed too. So sorry you came across something awful, I’m still a member and hate stuff like that, it’s usually a very safe place.

With all due respect; he managed to cheat on you twice with the same woman and you have no guarantee he heasn't cheated with others. If he's determined to carry on an affair with either this woman or another one - he'll find a way.
How's he getting on with setting up his own company? Have you both spoken with financial advisors? Have you taken legal advice from a lawyer?

Well OP, he doesn't get to have everything just exactly the way he wants it and stay in his great niche, senior job like nothing happened. He cheated on you with someone at work, so now he quits his wonderful bloody job and takes a worse job he doesn't want, to prove to you that he's serious about making this up to you and trying to make you happy. You don't have to let him torment you every day like this and keep himself happy.

@Strawberrina I get the job difficulty situation, I truly do, and maybe you need that level of income for your mortgage etc, but outside of financial concerns, how do you truly feel on a day to day basis?
You’re a tougher woman than me if you’re cool with them being in the same place every day. And I’m as tough as old boots.
My husband couldn’t leave his job straightaway (not many can) and it very soon became apparent in the early days, when I was as traumatised as heck, that I would go nuts if he was in the same city as her, let alone the same job.
He didn’t work with her but met her socialising with new colleagues when he started a new job which was at the end of a long commute. It all happened Monday to Friday, 70 miles away. I hadn’t got a clue. I found it when they had a weekend away, that Saturday morning he was acting really weirdly, his chickens were coming home to roost. The compartments he’d kept far apart collided, somehow going specifically from home to her on a weekend stopped him being able to be in denial about the reality of what he was doing. You could tell he suddenly didnt want to go on this ‘drinking weekend with his mates’. The weirdness got me thinking the unthinkable. Nothing else was different, I genuinely knew nothing. How could I? Disappeared on a train, reappeared in the evening. He could have been doing literally anything during that time. It’s easy to do stuff during a working day, people find time and ways to do what they really want to do.
My point is that to me in the first months after it ended, his job and the whole bloody city were a crime scene to me initially. Even going on a train myself triggered me for a while.
Leaving jobs/ cities etc won’t stop them cheating or contacting each other if they want to, I’m not that daft. I know that.
I just couldn’t stand the constant triggers in the early days and if he’d worked with her in the same company the paranoia would have killed me.
Also it was a gesture to me to prove that the job, kudos and money (and OW, I guess) really didn’t matter, compared to me and our children.
If you’re ok with it then it’s irrelevant, but if you’re not and you have no real peace of mind, it’s absolutely not unreasonable that he gets out of that place for your sake, if it’s financially viable. Not to stop him reigniting the affair, nothing could stop that if he wants it, but as a gesture to you.
I’d have lived on toast and water and be broke but with peace of mind, rather than have the lifestyle but no peace at the time.
If he wanted his life to stay as it was, he shouldn’t have pooped on his own patch.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I laughed reading this post. This is a teenager playing mind games with you.

Don't waste your time. Get back to your life, your work !!!!

Hi @Elliania he hasn't set up his own firm. He extended his leave, which will now conclude in mid-June. If he does return to work, he would have used up all his leave, he won't have any left. In other news, the OW has moved to a different town although she's still with the same company... And, yes, I realise that if two people want to stay in contact and see each other, they will find a way and living in two different towns won't stop them, but it does help my peace of mind and reduce the chances of the affair reigniting.

H spoke with a financial advisor last year. I haven't seen a lawyer for legal advice.

@TheCoolOne I'm very glad you found the post funny. It's not a laughing matter for me though.

I agree! No point getting upset about this 'poor woman'

@Strawberrina This is because you have not engaged with the posters offering you advice. You must have your reasons not to. Staying in the same place is more comfortable maybe.