Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

@GardenCovent We have spent more money during our overseas trip than anticipated and budgeted for. Plus, we've had some unexpected medical expenses which came up. Hence why 2 weeks before a decision has to be made.

I think you know he will return to work, he always was, he was giving you a flaky ray of hope to reel you back in. Sorry, he hasn't changed, the affair will start back up but he will be more careful this time.

About three weeks ago, just before New Year, you stated that 'he will resign once we are back next month (January)' as though this was a given and a certain fact. But now he 'needs to make a decision' and you're both 'assessing' the situation? Are you struggling to keep your story straight?

@Strawberrina but even on the 9th of January you said he hadn’t done any preliminary work to set up the new business, surely if a decision has to be made by the end of the month preliminary work should have been done at that stage.
As mentioned before, you seem convinced you have a prince amongst men and are happy living the life you’re living, well good luck with that, at least you’ll be safe in the knowledge you have made all the decisions on your own as you certainly have not taken one jot of advice given on this thread

It’s all nonsense about setting up his own law firm. The hoops you have to jump through to set up a firm are unreal. Any lawyer - particularly a 60 year old one who presumably is coming to the end of their work life - would not be talking about doing that on a whim.

@NeverHadHaveHas That's very true, and I did say that in one of my previous posts. There is a lot of bureaucracy involved in setting up one's own firm plus dealing with legal aid is a nightmare from what I've heard. But H setting up his own firm and becoming self-employed is on the cards as well, he knows how I feel about him returning to that office.

And what practical steps has he taken toward doing that, if you acknowledged it was a long winded process months ago?

he knows how I feel about him returning to that office

Well, obviously he knows. The problem is, he also knows he can do whatever the hell he wants without any consequences whatsoever from OP, regardless of what she might say.

4 weeks notice ?!!! for such a well paid powerful man - bollocks !
I would expect 3 months...

He might know. But does he care? You have zero guarantee that he's going to follow through on any of these plans. He could continue to fob you off with nonsense and excuses while you're supporting the whole family for a year.

What's stopping him from seeing the woman or other women while you're working? What's stopping him from filing for divorce after a year when he's depleted the savings you might have & tanked his earning power? How are you going to hold him accountable and make sure he's actually doing the things he's saying he'll do? Why are you so content with "He says he will" and "He knows how I feel". He SAID in his marriage vows to not cheat and he knew you'd be upset about what he did. But he did it anyway. So it doesn't much seem like he cares what you think.

What sort of senior role is he in if he only has to give four weeks notice?

OP i have known marriages to survive infidelity. But only where the guilty party has absolutely committed to working to mend the relationship. Your husband has done nothing.

He’s a senior criminal lawyer apparently. A 4 week notice period would be unheard of. Even junior generally have 3 months’ notice.

OP Amongst all this logistical "stuff" I don't get a sense from you that you realise your Marriage Number One to him is actually over. It is finished. Done. He ended it.

It might look like you're just merging into a Marriage Number Two but it will just be like a limp dick. Utterly unsatisfactory unless you both change substantially in how you behave.

Marriage Number Two needs to have some serious conditions placed on it from your side.

Some examples on you to him would be:

1. Resign from your job
2. Any contact with OW and Marriage Two is over
3. Immediately sign up for Affair Recovery coaching.
4. Make a list of all the new things you will be doing to earn back my love and respect. Eg; active daily engagement with psychological help (therapy, reading, journalling, podcasts), making family meals, affectionate gestures such as long hugs every morning and evening, doing any chores he has historically refused
5. Start implementing relationship techniques like Mirroring skills every time you talk. He needs to inform himself what these skills are. John Gottman is a good source. If he's not interested in learning these, Marriage Number Two is Limp Dick Marriage.

On your side the list would look like

1. Consult a good solicitor to get an accurate picture of your financial situation

1. Start treating yourself extremely well. Join that luxury gym. Buy yourself very nice food. Visit your friends. Go on solo outings which you love.

1. Follow an Affair Recovery plan for the Betrayed Spouse. Listen to podcasts as.much as possible designed to bolster YOU. Focus on YOU at every possible opportunity

1. Repeat to yourself How Awesome You Are with or without Limp Dick Husband.

1. Follow CBT course with David Burns (Feeling Good books and podcasts) to deal witj your negative emotions

I’ve never felt so frustrated with an OP ever 🙈 your husband ended your marriage when he decided to put his dick in someone else, not just once, multiple multiple times! I don’t know how you can even look at him again.

Plus it would be difficult to practice law abroad if you are qualified in another area.

Im glad this thread is bull as I hate to think anyone would think that banning her husband from his office would stop an affair.

if this is genuine (and that's a huge if), his new practice set-up is going to go about as well as his new-job-hunting did previously.

ie, it won't.

you've taught him that if he just keeps his head down for a few weeks, fobs you off with some basic platitudes, and vague excuses, you'll happily settle into the new rhythm.

he'll just re-set his expectations, and then in 12 months when still nothing has progressed, he'll say "well, we're managing fine - perhaps i'll just retire", just expecting you to carry the financial load, paying for his jollies.

may i ask what you love about him? and i mean what do you love about him now, not what you loved about him previously?

he's passive, weak-willed, squirrelly, utterly dishonest - both emotionally and intellectually, he has little to no respect for you, or your children, and his every action so far indicate that he's extremely avoidant.

when i'm out walking with my wife, and we're arm in arm - it makes me happy because i'm proud of who she is, of decisions she's made, of how she continues to try and manage the difficulties in her life, and what she puts into the parts of her life that she values.

when you walk arm in arm with your husband, what makes you feel good about it?

If he does resign he can claim his pension, no need to work again,

When I’ve expressed this sentiment myself my comments have been deleted, as too my suggestion that OP seek therapy with regards to her passivity. But I agree with everything you have said!

How

did

you

find

out @Strawberrina?

exactly

This

I've followed this thread from the outset and it's clear her DH wants both. Cake Eater.
The comfort and familiarity of home with a good wife appliance (who he does value in that context) and the frisson and excitement with a younger woman as a side dish.
He is a man who feels entitled to have both.
@Strawberrina has set herself into his triangle and is enabling it for her own reasons. Nothing wrong with that. Many couples co exist in these types of situations.

My advice has now changed. I feel @Strawberrinashould try and find her own lover. To experience what her DH is. Work on her self esteem, live for herself more.

There's another thread running on cheating and that's exactly what one poster did after she uncovered her H's infidelity (very long marriage) and reconciled. What's good for the goose is good for the gander she said.

The thing that mystifies me is the lack of emotion in her posts but that could be frozen emotions that enable the person to cope?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5472750-staying-in-relationship-after-being-cheated-on?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share
This is the thread but I can't recall the posters name

Like he cares how you feel. Good luck OP, because you are going to need it when you lose everything.

@NeverHadHaveHas That's not the case in H's company. The notice periods are as follows:
1 year or less of continuous service: 1 week
More than 1 year - 3 years: 2 weeks
More than 3 years - 5 years: 3 weeks
More than 5 years: 4 weeks

You revived the thread after nine days just to say that, while ignoring the rest of the posts?

So has your H handed in his notice then, given that it's now the end of January? What steps has he taken to set up his own business?