I am having an affair and he goes quiet ish after we meet up

[AshleeJaye]

I was reading this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1849983-Lover-goes-quiet-on-me-after-sex and it made me think. I am married and have been with my husband for 18 years.

I met a chap in Feb 2019 and we hit it off, he is a mutual friend. He chased me for all these years and in March this year, I broke and slept with him. We have had sex since then, this week actually and we have regular sexting sessions.

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet. I get one liner texts that are very short and cold & I have to start them, but he always replies instantly, but if I mention anything sexual, he does not answer me. He too is in a relationship about 20 months old.

I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.

Any advice.......

I expect he feels guilty and you're incredibly brave to post about infidelity on Mumsnet. Expect to get your head handed to you on a spike.

My only advice is to divorce your DH and seek some counselling, or not. Up to you really.

Have some self respect! Respect your husband and leave him, or at least give him the option of leaving you, by telling him.

I won't slate you, I had an affair myself years ago but I wasn't married then. I won't make pronouncements on your marriage either, that's your business, nobody else's.

The thing is, if you are able to get out of this now then, for your own sake and sanity, do it. It's lots of fun at the start but it won't always be like that and you're already seeing him withdrawing from you afterwards. He comes back again but, why wouldn't he? You're offering it on a plate.

You know how you feel but you have absolutely no idea how he feels and your 'filling in the blanks' is just going to seriously mislead you.

Don't be in the position where you are so far in that you can't get out because it's far too late at that point.

Get.Out.Now.

Cool story.

Is this really working for you? I’d say not from what you have written. Both of you are in other relationships and lying to your partners, which sounds quite miserable.

He goes quiet because he doesn't repect you. You are there for a bit of fun, and he will contact you again when he want to empty his balls with someone other than his "ball and chain".

You seem to be building this up into a budding new relationship; thinking about him all the time and contemplating leaving your husband...

He's doing the opposite. He's disengaging, when he's had what he wants.

He doesn't want you to mention sex because he doesn't want a trail that his partner can find. And he sends you cold one-liners because he's not interested in being your friend.

There's no pondering to be done here; really. The only thing to decide is whether you want to stay with your husband - and you may not get to make that decision, either, as it may be that neither man wants to take this further. You owe it to your husband to tell him.

Do your husband a big favour and leave him. Stop sleeping with someone who has no interest in you beyond sex. Get some self esteem.

What is wrong with me
Not sure mumsnet is the place for you to ask
Have some balls, and either end it with your affair partner, or your husband

If you need inspiration,
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4565775-ive-joined-a-club-i-dont-want-to-be-part-of
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4556603-my-wife-is-cheating-and-i-dont-know-what-to-do
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4566597-suspicious-about-dps-phone
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4564371-when-do-you-finally-throw-in-the-towel-after-affair-discovery
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4565619-emotional-affair-aftermath
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4555038-husbands-female-friend-being-too-much
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4561497-supporting-each-other-after-affair-discovery
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4554956-small-white-lies-or-something-else
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4564174-cheating-partner-newborn-baby-help
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4563432-should-i-tell-ow
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4559239-just-seen-a-notification-on-partners-phone

have a read of those, and see if you are still so smug?

He's spending all his time with his partner treating her until the guilt wears off and he fancies a bit of excitement.

Does your husband not notice that you are completely preoccupied with someone else?

I don't think his behaviour is your biggest issue. Doubtless he feels guilty. Your issue is why you don't?

It's not a story, it is very true, I just wish I hadn't started it tbf :(

You're his sex toy essentially that's why he doesn't bother contacting you in-between.

Divorce your husband, let him find someone better and get a counsellor to work on your very obvious low self esteem.

He goes quiet because he’s got what he wanted and he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.

He starts warming you up again when he’s ready for the next round.

If you want romance maybe you should woman up, leave your H and look for it.

Is Ashley your real name?

"What is wrong with me lol"

Lots, by the sounds of it. Mistakes happen, nobody is perfect but what you are doing now is a choice and posting about it oh mumsnet with this "lol I'm so silly" attitude is just plain tone deaf. Do you have no respect for your husband at all?

He got what he wanted from you. It's not rocket science.

He goes quiet because he has had what he wanted from you. He's then spending time with his poor girlfriend getting what he wants from her. When he gets bored with just her he comes back for more from you knowing you'll respond.

You need to find some self respect and some respect for your husband.

Give your husband the chance to decide if he wants to be in a three way marriage or not. You clearly don't love him enough or this wouldn't have happened. Let him go so he can look for a new more respectful loving partner if he wants to.

Your affair partner also needs to find respect for his girlfriend.

I’m not sure a ‘lol’ is appropriate in the Op?

I can't disagree with all of your comments. I am not being smug, I promise that. My husband has not been honest with me throughout our marriage. Not affairs, but lying about money and jobs. I have stuck with him because I love him, but his glass is always half empty. This guy has just flattered me, but I hate myself for taking that final step too far. Now I just don't know what to do! Your comments have been helpful and what I already knew tbf. I thank you for your honesty. x

Lets hope your DH starts divorce proceedings.

How nice are you cheating on him for 3 years...

I don't know what's wrong with you 'lol'.

It is and spelt Ashlee

“I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.”

This may be a sign that your marriage is over but I think it’s really important to separate the person from the situation. This man can’t be that compelling in himself because you resisted him for years. He’s not exciting per se. It’s exciting because you’re not supposed to be doing it. He’s the forbidden fruit for you as you are for him - if he were your husband and your husband were him (if you see what I mean), then you would probably still be straying but you would be having an affair with the man you’re currently married to.

And he seems somewhat amoral - given his willingness to pursue someone else’s partner and cheat on his own. Is this a man you want to try to build a future with?

How exciting would it be if your husband found out and ended your marriage? How does that thought make you feel? Would you be happy giving up your marriage possibly for single life? This guy may be a good partner for you but overall his behaviour suggests otherwise and a huge part of your attraction may have been your unavailability. It’s very possible that each of you will seem much less attractive to each other when you’re going through the daily grind together. Will you consider the end of your marriage to be a price worth paying? Maybe you will - but considering these questions may help you find your way in this situation.