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Original poster

Lover goes quiet on me after sex :(

39 replies

poisonarrow · 11/09/2013 18:29

I have a lover I met on the net two years ago.

During that time we have gone through phases where we are not in touch but it's always unfinished business and one of us will text the other.

We spend the night together now and again and it's absolutely fantastic and feels like we are really close. He will ring me the next day and tell me how great it was.

Then he will disappear for a bit... not text or be in touch for a week or two.

Then suddenly he will start texting again, 'pursue' me.

We don't live near each other and have busy lives, especially him.

Why this pattern? Anyone else experienced anything like this? I just don't understand why I get the cold shoulder after we've had such an amazing time.

I'm used to the pattern but I find it difficult. If I try to find out why he just says he's been really busy.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 11/09/2013 18:33

You don't say whether you've had the "are we exclusive" talk. I suspect he has other ladies.

ruddynorah · 11/09/2013 18:35

You're a fuck buddy.

roz1982 · 11/09/2013 18:36

Thousands of women (and men) experience his situation with an on/off sex partner all over the world every single day (me included) its extremely common. He does it because he can and it suits him just fine. Being 'busy' is just an excuse. He is unavailable and the situation will never change. He goes quiet on you because he has intimacy issues and for the time being, he has had his fix/ego fix/knows he can still have you. Do you have a kindle? Download mr unavailable and the fallback girl. You have to decide whether its what you want or not. He will never change

roz1982 · 11/09/2013 18:37

I also second ruddynora

CissyMeldrum · 11/09/2013 18:54

He is married or what ruddynora said .

Diagonally · 11/09/2013 19:02

How certain are you he's not married or in an LTR with someone else?

If you know for definite he's single then you are a FB as Norah said.

Some people just don't want / have time for a committed relationship.

What do you want?

Original poster
poisonarrow · 11/09/2013 19:10

I don't want a full time relationship. I'd be happy to see him now and again, but I just hate the way he disappears, it makes me feel rubbish.

OP posts:
Corygal · 11/09/2013 19:11

I think you want him more than he wants you - but there's only one way to find out. Ask him.

LoisPuddingLane · 11/09/2013 19:12

That's a little contradictory. You do see him now and again, and have a less than full time relationship. Is it the fact that you just don't hear from him in between?

Original poster
poisonarrow · 11/09/2013 19:14

Yep, that's it Lois.

OP posts:
TheOriginalNutcracker · 11/09/2013 19:15

Blimey, his names not Dan is it ?

Original poster
poisonarrow · 11/09/2013 19:21

No his name isn't Dan. Have you got the same problem Nutcracker?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 11/09/2013 19:23

Is it Jim, OP?

Original poster
poisonarrow · 11/09/2013 19:25

No, it's not Jim... is this some kind of game?

OP posts:
Original poster
poisonarrow · 11/09/2013 19:25

Or do lots of people have this problem?

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 11/09/2013 19:27

He is using you :( Being a fuck buddy is fine and dandy if that is what you have signed up for, but it sounds like you haven't. Move on to someone who respects you.

niceupthedance · 11/09/2013 19:31

I'm guessing it's the same for a lot of people - I've been there too.

Have you told him you would like him to keep in touch in between? Some polite conversation shouldn't be too much of a problem, one would hope.

ALittleStranger · 11/09/2013 19:52

To answer your original question, because he doesn't want a relationship with you so he's not doing the things that make it look like a relationship.

Disappearing is also par of the course of seeing someone every now and again. Does he actively ignore you in between, or not initiate contact himself? Do you ever suggest that latest meet up? How frequently does he blow you off?

As others have said, you are in a FWB situation. If this isn't what you want then you have to be clearer with him. If it is what you want you can't expect it to look like a relationship, but he should be polite. Are you clear in your own mind what you do want? The status quo isn't making you happy but you don't want a "full time relationship". What does the inbetween look like to you? He's not going to be able to second guess your terms, even if you can persuade him to up his game.

roz1982 · 11/09/2013 20:08

Why would he stay in touch in between when its not necessary to get what he wants? I don't think this situation is what you want because if it was you wouldn't have a problem with him not being in touch in between the sexual encounters. It makes you feel like rubbish because you have sex and then he goes off the radar because he has got what he wants; making you feel like your not worthwhile or good enough to stay in contact with. it's terrible for your self esteem.

Being in touch with him in between the once fortnightly or whatever shags would probably look too much like a relationship for him...and you say you don't want a relationship...I'm not sure that's the case.

The situation won't change, you will just get sick and tired of it in the end and hopefully, sack him off. Your in a no win situation because when it does go a bit quiet, he pursue you again and the whole cycle starts again. I've been in a very similar situation recently myself.

In his mind, you put up with it, so are both as bad as each other.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 11/09/2013 20:38

I did poison.

I hate to say it but the reason he's not in touch inbetween is because he doesn't think about you in between, he only thinks about you when he wants sex. Harsh I know, but true.

kittybiscuits · 11/09/2013 21:44

Sorry poisonarrow , it wasn't a game, when I asked about his name. Saw my best friend yesterday and was just completely struck by the similarity in the situation. I would have thought it only really qualifies as a fuck buddy if both people have the option to say let's meet. As others say, he's emotionally unavailable. Could you think about why you might get drawn to someone like that? Brew

kittybiscuits · 11/09/2013 21:44

Sorry poisonarrow , it wasn't a game, when I asked about his name. Saw my best friend yesterday and was just completely struck by the similarity in the situation. I would have thought it only really qualifies as a fuck buddy if both people have the option to say let's meet. As others say, he's emotionally unavailable. Could you think about why you might get drawn to someone like that? Brew

Original poster
poisonarrow · 11/09/2013 22:43

Thanks for posts.

kitty I think I got drawn into it because I was in a damaging (and sexless) live-in relationship for a long time. I've given up on finding a prince just don't want to live like a nun.

Lots of these posts have made me think.

This rang a bell:

Your in a no win situation because when it does go a bit quiet, he pursue you again and the whole cycle starts again

Yep and if I give him any shit or try to sack him off he is charming and apolgetic feels like he chucks just enough crumbs from the table.

the reason he's not in touch inbetween is because he doesn't think about you in between, he only thinks about you when he wants sex

I reckon this is true aswell.

But when I see him he's so nice feels like he's two different people. :(

I honestly don't want to be with him and I can be the one that says I want to see him... but I think it's rude to disappear. He texted me all the time at the beginning, i guess he's got me where he wants me now.

Is there anything I can do to make this work better for me?

OP posts:
meditrina · 11/09/2013 23:01

You change so it 'works better'? Hiding to nowhere, sorry.

He's happy with things as they are, and if it's been two years he's had plenty of time to act differently. He's chosen not to.

As you're not happy with him, perhaps it's time to call it a day, and find a new man who will appreciate you just as you are. Hanging on in the hope this one will change (or worse, changing yourself and your wants/needs/desires in a vain hope he'd like an altered facsimile of you) can tie up a lot of your life in vain.

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