I am having an affair and he goes quiet ish after we meet up

[AshleeJaye]

I was reading this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1849983-Lover-goes-quiet-on-me-after-sex and it made me think. I am married and have been with my husband for 18 years.

I met a chap in Feb 2019 and we hit it off, he is a mutual friend. He chased me for all these years and in March this year, I broke and slept with him. We have had sex since then, this week actually and we have regular sexting sessions.

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet. I get one liner texts that are very short and cold & I have to start them, but he always replies instantly, but if I mention anything sexual, he does not answer me. He too is in a relationship about 20 months old.

I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.

Any advice.......

The reason he goes quiet is because he has zero respect for you. To him you are simply a convenient when hen needs to off load. Yes you may want it to be different and he may say that is not the case. He is hardly go to fess up and tell you he is using you is he.

time to speak to your other half about what is lacking in your relationship. He deserves to know and take decisions weather he wants to be with someone who so easily tosses 18 years together aside, and who’s only concern is why the other man goes quiet on them once sex is over, and done with. What would you do if the shoe was on the other foot?

This was me sadly a couple of years ago....except I almost immediately divorced my husband after I realised I could not stop my affair. Yes - we were absolutely addicted to each other and were work colleagues. He would be distant and remote after our weekly sessions...and it slowly drove me mad with fear and insecurity. When together, we were like a tornado....but utterly toxic for each other. I lost my house, my job, my sobriety, my self respect and my sense of identity. Looking back, he subsumed me. Do not let this happen to you. It took me a very long time to feel me again. Cut it dead.

Sounds just like the man that ghosted me after sex.. 🫠🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

you in Yorkshire? Haha

This situation isn't sustainable for much longer, it is likely to go tits up in any number of ways but you do know that.

Before that happens I think you need to take some time to think about what you truly want and follow one of four options:

1. End your affair, stay with your husband and don't tell him about it.
2. End your affair, confess all to your husband and ask his forgiveness.
3. End your affair and your marriage, be single.
4. Leave your husband, take a chance on OM but with the awareness he may not want a relationship.

Only you know what is best for you and what you truly want.

OP, I was wondering whether you know the woman he is seeing? And what his relationship with her is like (as far as you understand it) - is it serious? Do they live together?

You have provoked some strong reactions on here (perhaps inevitably) - to me you don't seem like a thoughtless person who has no regard for others' feelings, more someone who is in a mess and confused. And personally I DO believe that one's circumstances can be such (abusive marriage for example) that an affair can be understandable. Though I am of course not saying that affairs are great things in general and everyone should run around having them freely....

You know what your own marriage is better than anyone else can. But what about his relationship - you can't know for sure, but does he seem happy with her? Does he say he loves her?

What does your husband advise?

LOL?????? Really?

Addictive indicates lust that's all. It's not more than that. For him at least. It's not going to change. He's not interested in talking more than what he is. He'd probably rather you didn't text after hence the one liners he feels forced to reply to

That's not what I asked. If wanking and friendships are so satisfying, what's the point of a relationship?

You said you had a "very, very wide, intimate knowledge of affairs and why people cheat", so why do you think friends and masturbation are all people need?

If this is a real thread, (you can’t have read MN much if you’re seriously in an affair and are asking “What’s wrong with me?” genuinely looking for the answers to that question) then:

1. your husband isn’t to blame for this, he’s only to blame for 50% of the state of your marriage. There are no excuses for cheating. None. Cheating is on you, not him.

2. You had and still have a choice whether to cheat or not, you say you “don’t want to” but still are, so you do want to, or you’d stop.
   You’re an adult, you are being cowardly and selfish in lying to, deceiving and abusing your husband instead of telling him about your issues with him, whilst getting used for kicks by another dysfunctional adult who cares so little about you that you’re irrelevant until he needs to shag you again. Stop.

And finally, my personal favourite of this morning:

3. “lol”

Wtf???? “Lol”????

There are no “lols” in infidelity. For anyone.
Wait until the shit inevitably hits the fan and wait for the sound of laughter, OP.
You’ll wait a long, long time.

I think you got the prize for the worst attitude I ever read here. There’s not giving a shit about how our behaviour affects others and then there’s “lol”. I think I might have just heard it all now.

Thank you all for your feedback. I have spoken with my husband and we have talked things through. I have not said everything as I don't want to hurt him. I am still very confused and really have no excuse as to why I let this happen, but it is what it is.

Name change fail, Ashlee. ‘lol’

I have not said everything as I don't want to hurt him

so you've lied.

I was told not to have my real name, so yes I changed it to my initials.

No lied, just said we need to chat further and I have more to say and explain my actions.

If you say so.

I hope you're not trying to attribute a greater depth of feelings in those whose choose to have an affair.

Because that would be silly.

Have relationships, as many as you want, just don't have them concurrently whist lying and deceiving the primary unsuspecting partner.

Oh the depth of emotions, humiliating someone and making them look a mug.

You don't even understand the rationale .

And yes relationships are important.

Just have them one at a time.

Is that precise enough.

Break up with your husband, then see how addictive it is. Richard Keys' wife gave a really good interview IMO on this morning a few years ago about the life cycle of an affair, and how when the secrecy of the affair is blown, the excitement/spark usually dies along with it. If you do that but end up happier with your new partner, then fair enough, but please don't keep doing this to your husband. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

OP, you’ve said you don’t want an affair, but you obviously do or you wouldn’t be having one.
You should come clean. Doesn’t your husband deserve to decide if he wants to be with you, given all the information?

You are both disgusting and I mean that.
Can I tell you what it is like to be on the receiving end of your partner cheating? Ot breaks you not only physically, not being able to eat, drink, function and on strong meds by the Dr. But it makes you question your judgment, worth and very existence.
It breaks you in ways you never knew with the searing pain, having trusted somebody to never put you through the very things you were always afraid of, who promised you he would always look after you.
You make up and you feel like you've been punched the pain is that bad.
So you go along with your "lol" and destroy somebody for sordid grubby little meetings..hell has a special place for the likes of both of you!!

Everything thing you say, I can't disagree with. I don't feel great about this situation and I can't disagree with half of these comments. I've just cocked up royally

From the horse's mouth:

Married men who fuck around look for potential 'holes' ( yes, the very term used 🤮) by zooming in on the following criteria:

• In unhappy relationship.
• Average looking but still fuckable.

Like vultures they are, always go for the weak and vulnerable, past their prime or just below average in the looks department.
Never for good looking women as chances of rejection are too high.
Mostly married as less risky, women have as much to lose or more, if discovered, so easy to keep quiet and discard when better 'hole' found.
They are always on the lookout for the next one 🙄.

The particular horse who very proudly spilled the beans is below average in every criteria - looks, intelligence and wealth and fundamentally lacking in personality department. Yet he and multitudes like him, manage to pull women time and time again.
Why?
Repulsive stains on humanity.

Oh honestly, what a lot of mysoginistic nonsense @valerianaofficiana
Flip it round. Women will always find men willing to fuck them, men much less so. Therefore, it's the women who get all the choice for affairs. Much harder tbh if trying to find a decent man for a long term relationship. Your 'friend' is bottom of the pile if poor and ugly, so obviously will only be pulling those who can't do better. Most women will go up not down when choosing affair partners

He is not a friend.🙄
What you say might be true, but there are, quite frankly, too many women who are fucking pointless married men.
Have a good look at AshleyMadison etc. and try to find even one handsome man there, fucking trolls they are.
Yes, I've too much time in my hands at the moment, have approached this thread in scientific manner by doing some research 🧐