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Original poster

Husbands female friend being too much

279 replies

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:01

Been married 4 years, me 40 Dh 43, ww have 3 children

About a month ago DH got to know this bisexual woman at work. Shes single.

Anyway, at first she started tagging along to the gym with him. Then things became more obvious that she fancies him.
Shes been:

Ringing him daily, voice messaging, texting daily, even when hes at home with me, at night, and first thing,

asking him for favours all the time in her garden, house, doing jobs for her, hes been going there to do stuff for her
Shes played the damsel in distress when an incident happened at work, (warehouse work) she rang him again for attention, when she could of rung anyone, like her mum, other work colleagues etc

She asked him in a disciplinary with her as support

Shes constantly all over him on fb
Shes been rude and standoffish to me when I met her once

And most infuriatingly is shes been sending him pictures of stuff which look innocent but slyly, to me it stands out such as of her legs, with her dog sat on them, but its clearly showing her legs off and it looks definitely intentional. Other things have been going on also which are suspicious to me.

Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't .

Am I over reacting to it/being unreasonable??? Its really really pissing me off. I dont want to act like the possessive wife, yes he can have female friends but this is blatantly taking the absolute mick. Its really hurtful and I feel like I'm going to lose my s* over it.

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 23/05/2022 13:13

Yeah OP, that doesn't sound good. No 'work friend' needs to be calling every minute of the day, nor have their work colleague popping round to 'help'. The fact he's made out that yabu is a red flag too

catscatscatseverywhere · 23/05/2022 13:15

"Yes, I have had it out with him over it and he genuinely seemed shocked that i thought that way and said shes just one of the lads/a mate/ friends and he gets no vibes off her shes attracted to him. Ive asked him to back off/cut her off and he hasn't ."

Is he this friendly with one of male coworkers? It's such a lame excuse. YANBU.

Justkidding55 · 23/05/2022 13:16

You are not being unreasonable imo. We women know all the tricks. He knows them
too but is playing naive. This is what happened before my ex had an affair and split the family. He needs to stop entertaining her. Make it clear it’s you or her.

DisgruntledPelican · 23/05/2022 13:17

She sounds like she’s interested in him but if your husband isn’t willing to cut off contact then there’s not much else to do except voice your displeasure every time.

it’s a hell of a lot to happen in approx one month, though. And what has being bi got to do with it? 😂

Lollypop701 · 23/05/2022 13:17

If she is ‘just’ a work colleague then he should be more concerned about how you feel and stop the contact. Sounds like he knows and is enjoying the attention.

Onlyhuman123 · 23/05/2022 13:20

I think the ringing at home/daily contact is a bit OTT? Where has she 'suddenly' appeared from; you say your partner has known her for about a month; was that as a result of just joining the employer? or moved from a different department? Has there been longer contact than just the month that you've not been aware of? Are you sneaking a look at his phone/contacts or has he been open and actively shown you pics/message content that she sends?

Difficult one...you risk coming across as possessive/manipulative/jealous that your DH has a female friend but on the other hand, could it become something more than just friendship?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 23/05/2022 13:20

You're not overreacting.

I suspect your DH's shock was probably false and he was enjoying the attention before you spoke to him.

Kindly tell her to move into her own lane.

Cheeky cow.

He needs to cut ties outside of work.

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:21

DisgruntledPelican · 23/05/2022 13:17

She sounds like she’s interested in him but if your husband isn’t willing to cut off contact then there’s not much else to do except voice your displeasure every time.

it’s a hell of a lot to happen in approx one month, though. And what has being bi got to do with it? 😂

He told me she was lesbian when they first met but then it came out she isn't shes bisexual so obviously likes men too. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:23

Lollypop701 · 23/05/2022 13:17

If she is ‘just’ a work colleague then he should be more concerned about how you feel and stop the contact. Sounds like he knows and is enjoying the attention.

My thoughts totally unfortunately

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 23/05/2022 13:23

She is not a work friend.

My longterm DP has a close female work friend who is exactly that.

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:27

EmeraldShamrock1 · 23/05/2022 13:20

You're not overreacting.

I suspect your DH's shock was probably false and he was enjoying the attention before you spoke to him.

Kindly tell her to move into her own lane.

Cheeky cow.

He needs to cut ties outside of work.

Thank you this is my thought on it also.
its just stress I dont need at the moment. Im not a jealous person at all but its getting too much. And I agree with replies saying I think he's enjoying the attention sadly.

xx

OP posts:
yummyymummy1982 · 23/05/2022 13:27

Same thing happened to me!! 😡managed to get rid of that nasty rat quickly though - just had to show my husband what he would be missing out on! 😏

TunaSalad · 23/05/2022 13:43

It does sound like the boundaries are being blurred here, however the reason she keeps messaging your husband is because he keeps replying.

She would soon get bored if he wasn't encouraging her.

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:46

TunaSalad · 23/05/2022 13:43

It does sound like the boundaries are being blurred here, however the reason she keeps messaging your husband is because he keeps replying.

She would soon get bored if he wasn't encouraging her.

Agree 100% hes encouraging it.

I'm going to be having it out with him again soon but im not getting nasty about it im trying to do it in a polite way but it will get to a point where I just snap.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 13:47

Why are you in any way blaming this woman? This is entirely your husband's responsibility, and you have a very big problem on your hands. He is cheating on you, perhaps just emotionally at this point, but that's every bit as damaging as a physical affair. If he refuses to stop being "friends" with this woman, I suppose you have your answer.

Marvellousmadness · 23/05/2022 13:48

Its not HER that is the problem
Its your husband

He is LOVING all the attention
And he is loving going to her house and doing stuff for her

Dont blame her. Blame your "d"h.
Because she might be the one fishing but HE is the one doing all the biting...

Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:50

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 13:47

Why are you in any way blaming this woman? This is entirely your husband's responsibility, and you have a very big problem on your hands. He is cheating on you, perhaps just emotionally at this point, but that's every bit as damaging as a physical affair. If he refuses to stop being "friends" with this woman, I suppose you have your answer.

Yep I get that too, but its her also she knows what shes doing and playing silly games and doing things for a reaction. Not to mention the lack of respect that hes married

So its both of them

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstiggywinkle44 · 23/05/2022 13:52

Marvellousmadness · 23/05/2022 13:48

Its not HER that is the problem
Its your husband

He is LOVING all the attention
And he is loving going to her house and doing stuff for her

Dont blame her. Blame your "d"h.
Because she might be the one fishing but HE is the one doing all the biting...

Yes I agree but shes to blame too she knows exactly what shes doing on her part x

OP posts:
Branleuse · 23/05/2022 13:53

tell your husband to stop treating you like a fucking moron. That youve got no issue with the idea of platonic friendships in general or him having female friends, but this one is setting your spidey senses off massively and you want to make it clear to him that you do not expect to be made to feel so insecure in your own marriage. That she is massively overstepping, and intrusive, and that while youre sure the attention is very nice for him, that youre bored of it now. He either tells her to jog on/piss off/ghosts her, or he can piss off himself, as youre not playing second fiddle to anyone

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2022 13:57

Yes I agree but shes to blame too she knows exactly what shes doing on her part x

So many women keep defending, and deflecting blame from, their shitbag, cheating husbands on here, it's truly staggering.

What this woman is doing or "knows" what she is doing is totally irrelevant. It's your husband who is allowing it and participating. All he had to do was to block her and not respond to her advances. The easiest thing in the world.

DogsAndGin · 23/05/2022 14:00

He knows exactly what’s going on, he’s either having an affair with her already, or well on the way to having one. I would tell him his behaviour is absolutely not acceptable, and to block this woman on all social media and his phone. If he refuses, you’ve got your answer.

SouperNoodle · 23/05/2022 14:03

If he believes that she's just a work friend, why is he going to her house all the time to do jobs?
He's either loving the attention, on the way to an affair or already in one.
She needs to be removed.

DogsAndGin · 23/05/2022 14:03

yummyymummy1982 · 23/05/2022 13:27

Same thing happened to me!! 😡managed to get rid of that nasty rat quickly though - just had to show my husband what he would be missing out on! 😏

I don’t think this is very god advice; the burden isn’t on OP to ‘win’ back her own husband 🤷🏼‍♀️ she doesn’t need to tempt him to treat her with respect - he should already treat her with respect.

Besides, didn’t you just post on another thread:

”My hubby doesnt wont me 😢it puts a real strain on our relationship”

FullBush · 23/05/2022 14:08

I'm sorry OP but you're fooling yourself if you want to apportion half the blame to this woman, because whatever she's doing, he is going along and encouraging it and she is not married to you, she doesn't owe you or your marriage one iota of respect. On the other hand, your husband is making a fool of himself a a complete mockery of your relationship if he thinks his behaviour is acceptable on any level.

What I don't understand is why you're trying to 'be nice and polite' about it all - do you usually let people disrespect you to such a degree?

I don't doubt that if you were regularly:
> going round to a male colleagues house (alone) to help him fix things.
> messaging and calling a male colleague morning and night.
> plastering messages over a male colleagues social media.

Your DH would be very happy with all that right? Nah.

BowerOfBramble · 23/05/2022 14:09

She sounds awful but fundamentally you don't know her and she doesn't owe you anything. If you "warned her off" somehow it might just drive them closer together. HE is the one who needs to be told clearly: "I know you say that you're just friends but this relationship is deeply upsetting me. You can either prioritise this woman you met 4 weeks ago and carry on with what you're doing, or you can show me the love and respect I deserve as your wife by cutting all unnecessary contact with her. That means no contact outside work, no helping out at the weekends, and passing her on to someone else when she asks you for help if you can."

if he gets upset/angry just ask whether he really wants to put this relative stranger above you and your family? If he says he's just being mates ask him which of his male friends he's running to help and text at all hours, and point out that if he's telling himself this hasn't become very dodgy because he's attracted to her, then he's lying to himself.