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Original poster

I am having an affair and he goes quiet ish after we meet up

225 replies

AshleeJaye · 12/06/2022 12:24

I was reading this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1849983-Lover-goes-quiet-on-me-after-sex and it made me think. I am married and have been with my husband for 18 years.

I met a chap in Feb 2019 and we hit it off, he is a mutual friend. He chased me for all these years and in March this year, I broke and slept with him. We have had sex since then, this week actually and we have regular sexting sessions.

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet. I get one liner texts that are very short and cold & I have to start them, but he always replies instantly, but if I mention anything sexual, he does not answer me. He too is in a relationship about 20 months old.

I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.

Any advice.......

OP posts:
DorritLittle · 12/06/2022 12:47

Regardless of your marriage, it is pretty clear this guy is having uis cake and eating it while you tear your hair out. Block and delete is my advice. I expect you won't follow it but it is what you will end up doing in the end, if he doesn't ghost you. His way of describing your affair as 'addictive' is hardly an expression of love is it? It's pretty disrespectful when you think about it. He is really saying he doesn't want to be with you, but can't help taking the sex you are freely giving him. Funny that.

lassof · 12/06/2022 12:48

If you're going to continue being unfaithful, find yourself a better affair partner. Look online on married dating websites and set out your expectations for contact between meets. You'll soon find someone who meets your requirements.

Original poster
AshleeJaye · 12/06/2022 12:50

Dery · 12/06/2022 12:47

“I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.”

This may be a sign that your marriage is over but I think it’s really important to separate the person from the situation. This man can’t be that compelling in himself because you resisted him for years. He’s not exciting per se. It’s exciting because you’re not supposed to be doing it. He’s the forbidden fruit for you as you are for him - if he were your husband and your husband were him (if you see what I mean), then you would probably still be straying but you would be having an affair with the man you’re currently married to.

And he seems somewhat amoral - given his willingness to pursue someone else’s partner and cheat on his own. Is this a man you want to try to build a future with?

How exciting would it be if your husband found out and ended your marriage? How does that thought make you feel? Would you be happy giving up your marriage possibly for single life? This guy may be a good partner for you but overall his behaviour suggests otherwise and a huge part of your attraction may have been your unavailability. It’s very possible that each of you will seem much less attractive to each other when you’re going through the daily grind together. Will you consider the end of your marriage to be a price worth paying? Maybe you will - but considering these questions may help you find your way in this situation.

Hi Dery

Thank you for your comments, everything you say is true! The fact that I have posted this, makes me realise that it is wrong but I am guessing I am wanting a way out of this mess that I have allowed to be created. :(

OP posts:
usernamenotaccepted · 12/06/2022 12:50

Are you taking the piss, OP?

Dery · 12/06/2022 12:51

Unless you want to massively increase the chances of your husband and/or other people who know you finding this thread, it’s best not to post in your real name.

crispsandnuts · 12/06/2022 12:51

He's quiet because he's had his fun until he gets the twitch again and then the sex texts will start up again.....
Your issues with your DH won't go away, speaking from experience. I left my DH and looking back was ashamed of my behaviour in my marriage in an attempt to help me deal with a loveless marriage. Like you, I was also consumed by someone who had even less respect for me than my DH at the time.
Now in a lovely relationship with no lies either side, feels good to be clear of guilt and shame, life lessons...

usernamenotaccepted · 12/06/2022 12:51

That was a rhetorical question btw.

Jalisco · 12/06/2022 12:52

I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive.

I am not interested in morals - those are for individuals to resolve for themselves. So I'm not passing any judgement at all on "affairs" and marriage.

But this bit annoyed me. Of course you can stop it, or not, as you wish. What you mean is that you don't want to. Take some ownership of your actions, whatever you decide to do. Claiming that you can't stop yourself, or that this is an addiction, is simply shorthand for wriggling out of being responsible for the consequences of your freely taken actions.

Original poster
AshleeJaye · 12/06/2022 12:53

lassof · 12/06/2022 12:48

If you're going to continue being unfaithful, find yourself a better affair partner. Look online on married dating websites and set out your expectations for contact between meets. You'll soon find someone who meets your requirements.

The thing is, I don't want an affair, I don't want to be unfaithful, I love my husband. Maybe it is a midlife crisis, I just don't know as to why I thought I'd ask the question from people who don't know me and can give me their honest opinion.

OP posts:
Dery · 12/06/2022 12:53

You’re welcome, OP. I’m glad it helped. I can see why this would be so addictive but addictions and addictive behaviour are usually bad for us!

Catlitterqueen · 12/06/2022 12:54

He’s not fantasising about a relationship with you like I suspect you are with him.
Disengage completely.

frydae · 12/06/2022 12:54

Well he is using your for sex so once he has had that he won't need you for a while. It's hardly a great love story, is it?

Original poster
AshleeJaye · 12/06/2022 12:54

crispsandnuts · 12/06/2022 12:51

He's quiet because he's had his fun until he gets the twitch again and then the sex texts will start up again.....
Your issues with your DH won't go away, speaking from experience. I left my DH and looking back was ashamed of my behaviour in my marriage in an attempt to help me deal with a loveless marriage. Like you, I was also consumed by someone who had even less respect for me than my DH at the time.
Now in a lovely relationship with no lies either side, feels good to be clear of guilt and shame, life lessons...

Agreed x

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 12/06/2022 12:55

Maybe somewhere deep down he has a conscience and realises that you are both behaving appallingly.

Original poster
AshleeJaye · 12/06/2022 12:56

frydae · 12/06/2022 12:54

Well he is using your for sex so once he has had that he won't need you for a while. It's hardly a great love story, is it?

I am under no illusion that this is a fairy tale love story. I have just messed up, but when you are with someone who, no matter what you try and do for them, is never really happy within them self and you want to support them, but never seem to succeed and this comes along. I don't know, I have no words really :(

OP posts:
Original poster
AshleeJaye · 12/06/2022 12:57

TabithaTittlemouse · 12/06/2022 12:55

Maybe somewhere deep down he has a conscience and realises that you are both behaving appallingly.

Agreed x

OP posts:
11Hawkins · 12/06/2022 12:57

He's using you for sex and most likely feels guilty.

Get a divorce OP. Don't let this shit continue.

Yellowhase · 12/06/2022 12:58

He is using you but that can work both ways.
I think most long marriages get boring at times.
Maybe instead of looking at the ifs and buts of the affair look at what you want and need in life.
Maybe counselling will help you decide.
im not judging you I can see why affairs happen.

frydae · 12/06/2022 13:00

I am under no illusion that this is a fairy tale love story. I have just messed up,

but when you are with someone who, no matter what you try and do for them, is never really happy within them self and you want to support them, but never seem to succeed and this comes along. I don't know, I have no words really :(

I see you have no words. The part I have italicised makes absolutely no sense. Who are you trying to support?

dumdumduuuummmmm · 12/06/2022 13:02

OP I suspect he has similar internal conflict as you do so he goes quiet as he doesn't really want to have to confront those thoughts. He obviously likes you and you he but you LOVE your dh and the man probably loves his partner. If you don't want to be in an affair then don't be. It will be hard to walk away from the excitement and flattery of someone wanting you. Thinking of how it is during the off times might help. This relationship has no legs. If you both had fallen crazy in love for each other, you would know

isthismylifenow · 12/06/2022 13:02

What I don't quite understand Ashlee, is... you're been having an affair for 3 years, but he's in a year and a half relationship??

dumdumduuuummmmm · 12/06/2022 13:02

isthismylifenow · 12/06/2022 13:02

What I don't quite understand Ashlee, is... you're been having an affair for 3 years, but he's in a year and a half relationship??

No she only started the affair this March

worraliberty · 12/06/2022 13:04

NameChang3d · 12/06/2022 12:25

I expect he feels guilty and you're incredibly brave to post about infidelity on Mumsnet. Expect to get your head handed to you on a spike.

This is seriously your definition of incredible bravery?

Ok then...

2bazookas · 12/06/2022 13:05

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet

After he's had a shag/wank he loses interest in you.

Pretty much the opposite of a good relationship, eh? In a good relationship, the time after sex/being together is special, close, warm, both happy.

BobDear · 12/06/2022 13:06

Things that will eventually happen if you continue.

He will find someone else and move
on leaving you feeling dirty

It will run its course so you will have broken your marriage for nothing.

You will tell him you love him, he will not reciprocate and you will either be heartbroken or carry on anyway whilst your self esteem collapses

Your DH will find out and be distraught and your marriage will end slowly and not amicably

Your DH will find out but agree to forgive you but never trust you again.

His partner will find out and do whatever she needs to do which may well include telling your DH

You will leave your partners for each other (highly unlikely) and realise that now the excitement is gone there isn't much left.

OR

You finish it now.

And even that won't completely dog you out of the shit as you then have to decide whether to tell DH and all it risks or spend your days worrying he will find out and knowing you broke the trust.

But it's still the better option of the two.

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