I am having an affair and he goes quiet ish after we meet up

[AshleeJaye]

I was reading this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1849983-Lover-goes-quiet-on-me-after-sex and it made me think. I am married and have been with my husband for 18 years.

I met a chap in Feb 2019 and we hit it off, he is a mutual friend. He chased me for all these years and in March this year, I broke and slept with him. We have had sex since then, this week actually and we have regular sexting sessions.

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet. I get one liner texts that are very short and cold & I have to start them, but he always replies instantly, but if I mention anything sexual, he does not answer me. He too is in a relationship about 20 months old.

I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.

Any advice.......

Of course, all over the shop. They can't think of a way to get men to behave so they double it down on the women. Meanwhile, the sexually incontinent men are laughing because they're never the ones who get sexist insults and they have no incentive to be decent. Besides, no besotted woman ever dumped her married man because someone came out with some sexist claptrap from 1885.

It also means they can tell the women they encounter that everyone else who calls them easy sluts are just stupid and jealous (they're half right, to be fair) and don't understand. Thus priming their position to continue this shit without consequence.

Shitty men and misogyny 1, decent world 0.

OP, you say you love your husband, but you don't seem to love yourself very much. Furthermore, it's hard to love someone else and to show love (and the respect that goes with it) if you don't even like yourself.

Forgetting about your husband for a moment, you are treating yourself like dirt. You are some guy's booty call. He plays with your head and it doesn't even seem that hard for him to do at the moment.

You have a big f*cking problem. You are unhappy with things your husband has done in the past, but have done little to nothing about them. You don't seem to be very happy with what this affair is doing to your head, but again you are doing nothing about it. You keep repeating you love your husband and maybe on some level you still feel that way, but at this point it's only words.

What you need is an extensive period of singlehood and therapy where you actually figure out what it is you want and need, and work towards getting it. This is unhealthy on so many levels and both you and your husband are paying the price for your self-loathing.

I won’t judge you, I’ve had an affair myself 5 years ago which lasted around 8 months, I promise you it won’t end well - it completely ruined my life at the time, public outing on social media it was horrific, I even considered ending my own life. I’m from a small town so everyone then knew about it. Obviously, I deserved every bit of shit I got but was a bit resentful that the man involved had fuck all said really.
I managed to rebuild my life, bought a house, had a baby etc but I was very lucky, I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it and cringed every day since.
The reason why it’s a one line text and that he is not replying to anything sexual is because he feels guilty, he’s not going to leave his partner for you and from what you have said it sounds like just lust. Please just end it and hope that nobody finds out, it’s really not worth it.

The fact that you wrote 'lol' means you won't get any sympathy from me.

Grow up and do your husband a favour and get a divorce so that he can meet someone much, much better than you.

I've read and re-read your posts, and you sound like someone who doesn't want to be married anymore, but doesn't know how to end it.

This affair you've been having has gone on so long, and it hasn't made you happy, so why are you still doing it?

You can't seem to end your marriage. You can't even seem to end your affair. Saying, 'I'm done' seems to be too difficult for you. Let me guess... always the dumpee never the dumper, because you don't want the responsibility?

I'm not saying you should go back to your husband, I'm saying neither man is working out for you. You sound resentful of your husband, with this physical affair some kind of justified punishment for what you've put up with for him, and you sound upset that the other man doesn't want you emotionally, even though he's done nothing to suggest he's interested in fulfilling that role in your life. You're going after men who clearly aren't going to tick all your boxes - don't you think you deserve more than that?

Your husband isn't meeting your sexual needs and the other man isn't meeting your emotional needs. You don't have to continue with either of them.

All judgement aside, this isn't doing what you want it to.

OP you are in no position to be feeling sorry for yourself, posting sad faces and ‘lol’. You’re being unfaithful ffs, you should break up with your husband for his sake. He doesn’t deserve to be your second choice. Then you are free to shag whoever you want. Go see if the grass is greener.

You could both leave your partners, move in togerher, it'll be over in a week, job done.

But why have you secretly been organising your lives together whilst carrying in in your marriages? That's weird. And dishonest and deceitful. Why would you do that? If you both know you want to be together why be all those awful things? Are you both so seriously selfish and disrespectful that you are just using your partners until the very last minute?

ICYMI: Both you and the person you are fucking are disgusting.

An affair sounds romantic - at absolute best you’re a booty call, or as a PP said a wank sock. Have some self respect and end it. Support your husband by leaving him. And stop making pathetic excuses.

"I cant give up what we have"

Of course you could. You just don't want to

No sympathy from me, I'm afraid. You made your bed, you lie in it

Hope it works out for you

He goes quiet and cold with you, because he got what he wanted, ie: sex. He's got no interest in making a life with you.

He only gets in touch again when his balls have warmed back up and he wants some "exciting no-strings" sex.

Time to get some self-respect OP.

I would halt the affair and leave your husband. You need to build some self respect alone.

Thats a bit rude, if you dont want opinions then dont post on social media sites. Maybe some people think you could have left 2 years ago.

You don't get to choose who gives a comment or opinion on mumsnet. That's not his open forums work. You make your comments. We make our comments. That's the whole point Buttercup

A "bit* rude?!

Public forum will invite comments you don't like. That's life.

@deedledeedledum thanks for your input!

All the best!

Sad but true.

Oh my word, why do you need to be so unpleasant to everyone. Bad things happen to us all.

If you don’t want people to have an opinion on you, don’t post your life on here. Utterly ridiculous. 🤣

I judge anyone who has an affair regardless of circumstances. And I won’t fuck off no matter how angry you become, I’ll just keep judging. 😇

Its not even your thread, start your own.

I judge anyone who has an affair regardless of circumstances

Do you? That's rather odd. Life is very complicated. Even in criminal matters, there are mitigating circumstances.