I am having an affair and he goes quiet ish after we meet up

[AshleeJaye]

I was reading this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1849983-Lover-goes-quiet-on-me-after-sex and it made me think. I am married and have been with my husband for 18 years.

I met a chap in Feb 2019 and we hit it off, he is a mutual friend. He chased me for all these years and in March this year, I broke and slept with him. We have had sex since then, this week actually and we have regular sexting sessions.

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet. I get one liner texts that are very short and cold & I have to start them, but he always replies instantly, but if I mention anything sexual, he does not answer me. He too is in a relationship about 20 months old.

I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.

Any advice.......

@me4real - I didn't cheat because of these things - these are just a few of the reasons why I haven't left my husband yet!

That person might then be choosing a life with no intimacy or love due to circumstances beyond their control that they cannot remove themselves from.

They still don't have to cheat.

And nowadays most people aren't trapped with someone for life.

Believe me, I have a very, very wide, intimate knowledge of affairs and why people cheat.

It's never ok- if they want a shag they can have a wank and if they want emotional intimacy they can turn to their friends.

Apart from being in hospital, why do those things stop you leaving?

Stop. You have no idea. Women in abusive relationships that they can not get out of. Women who would suffer honour killings if they tried to leave. Women who live in societies where leaving their husband would mean never seeing their children again. People whose partners are suffering dementia and have done so for 20 years. Have zero idea who their spouse is but the spouse feels they can not divorce from them. People whose partners are brain damaged and are living in a completely non functioning manner but the partner feels honourable bound. Go away with your privileged little life where everything is blank and white.

The person mightn't be able to leave their partner immediately but eventually most can leave. There are benefits and stuff. All they have to do is keep their legs crossed or their knob in their pants until they've left. No one dies without it.

I believed in this over the last couple of years anyway due to sisters on MN and elsewhere teaching me morals, but I got into Catholicism now and there's plenty of stuff I used to do that I try not to do any longer.

So I know that people's actions are a choice. Unless maybe they're severely mentally ill to the point of lacking mental capacity (I have bipolar so I know what it's like to be a 'nymphomaniac' due to having experienced it sometimes. But most cheaters aren't doing it due to lacking mental capacity to choose their actions. Probably even then, I could've not done stuff IDK.)

But according to you that's just their tough luck. Their life is shit but they mustn't have an affair because MN will call then the baddie

It's never ok- if they want a shag they can have a wank and if they want emotional intimacy they can turn to their friends.

Then why have a relationship ever, if you can always just wank or talk to friends?

NONE of these are an excuse for infidelity. You do not have the moral high ground because you’ve had shitty things happen. Adultery is wrong. The end.

@AssemblySquare you are a terrible person

@AssemblySquare to suggest a woman at risk of being a victim of an honour killing is having something 'shitty happen to them' is reprehensible. Your moral compass is not skewed. It's non existent

@deedledeedledum ODFOD - that comment was meant for you.

Women at risk of honour killings don’t have affairs… that would also get them killed. They claim asylum. And before you start spouting more BS, my first ever job was supporting women asylum seekers; many of whom were escaping the situation you describe.

Says the person shagging someone else’s husband!!!

Nope. The minute you held infidelity as a greater crime than anything including honour killing or abuse and voiced an opinion that people who have 'shitty things happen' like lose their partner to dementia/a permanent vegetative state are immoral for seeking intimacy you lost your voice. Cancelled.

@deedledeedledum infidelity is just about the shittiest thing to do, and it is only done by the worst kind of people.

I won’t be silenced by someone like you with zero morals. No problems are solved by shagging someone else’s spouse.

Cancelled

What an excellent, articulate rebuttal there. Well done!

FGS grow up.

It's never ok- if they want a shag they can have a wank and if they want emotional intimacy they can turn to their friends. Then why have a relationship ever, if you can always just wank or talk to friends?

@ReneBumsWombats There's nothing wrong with having a relationship of course if you're not cheating on someone, and it's not in conflict with other values you have or whatever.

infidelity is just about the shittiest thing to do

I can think of plenty of things that are worse.

OP.

I've been where you are. Married, unhappily, with various reasons why i couldn't leave. I had an affair. Several actually, all met through married dating sites. They all differed but the main theme was very little contact unless arranging to meet. Sometimes some flirty chat or video calls if his wife and my husband happened to be out at the same time. Other than that, no.

It isn't a relationship, it's an affair. Different rules and if you don't understand that, you'll be badly hurt. Affairs require discipline. It's not a budding new romance! Its an arrangement, filling a gap in both lives, for whatever reason that may be. Hearts and flowers it is not.

So either accept that or don't have affairs.

I'm giving my opinion here on an open honest forum so won't bite back at the comments this post may receive. I'm not justifying a damn thing , but i am telling OP i have been where she is and she is heading for disaster.

Just save the sexual and emotional energy for the person you have agreed to remain monogamous to, it's quite simple.

Otherwise you you run the risk of your unsuspecting partner dying.

And thats not just in a physical sense but in an emotional and mental sense.

Affairs destroy regardless of the excuse.

Affairs require discipline

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I've been where you are. Married, unhappily, with various reasons why i couldn't leave.

@Moredogsplease Yes but I assume you split with your husband in the end. You could've waited until after that.

Yes I can too, minimising someone elses pain for one.

Just save the sexual and emotional energy for the person you have agreed to remain monogamous to, it's quite simple. Otherwise you you run the risk of your unsuspecting partner dying. And thats not just in a physical sense but in an emotional and mental sense.

@Onthedunes Arguably it kills some part of the unfaithful person as well. Or they could catch a dose.