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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Small white lies or something else?

37 replies

Somethingisup · 23/05/2022 10:44

Hi

Long time browser but I've name changed for this one (Daily Mail please f* off).

I've been in a long term relationship for over 10 years. We have a home, young children etc.

Over the last couple of weeks something just seems off. It sounds ridiculous written down but I'll give it a try.

He's left the house on the same day for the last couple of weeks. Only for an hour or so. He tells me he's going on these little errands but there's just too much detail and a couple of things that don't make sense. It just felt off. So I looked where he had been (I know, I know) and he hasn't been to those places. He's been in the same general area but not to the places he said. He's been to two different residential streets where we don't know anyone and stayed 15- 30 mins ish and left.

I honestly wouldn't mind if he was going for a drive, walk, coffee etc etc and never ask him to explain himself so the lies feel very strange and unnecessary. I don't really want to ask him yet as it doesn't seem like much on its own but there's just something. So what do I do?

OP posts:
Fizzyfish · 23/05/2022 10:53

How did you know he wasn't where he said he was?

Lobelia123 · 23/05/2022 10:56

I've been where you are, living with these small suspicions and not knowing whether Im going mad, and at the same time fearing that something was going on (it was). I just want to say, trust your intuition and be kind to yourself. It may be worth confronting him and bringing it all out into the open, it may cause incredible rows (regardless of whether theres a straightforward explanation or not). The horrible thing is that people can advise you one way or the other but theres really no way of knowing what the best thing is to do. So Im just sending sympathy and my sincere hopes that its something small and explainable that youll end up laughing about. If it isnt, stay true to yourself and always keep your head up xxx

Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 13:17

If it doesn't feel right to you, it doesn't feel right to you. If you tell him this and he can't talk back to you in a way that makes you feel better, just leave. There's no trust, and something is more important to him than you feeling ok.

SheWoreYellow · 23/05/2022 13:20

I’d be wary of bringing it up now. You’ll be in the wrong for being a stalker. He’ll just be more careful.

I’d watch and wait I think. Keep an eye on bank statements etc. Keep a record of lies.

failing40s · 23/05/2022 13:23

How did you find out where he'd been?

At first I was going to say maybe he's seeing a therapist, but not for 15 - 30 minutes.

So does he go to the place, stay there for up to half an hour and then come home again?

Housewife01 · 23/05/2022 13:41

You need to keep an eye on the situation.
How do you know where he was? Do you have the app on your phone to see? If so, surely it can't be anything sinister or he wouldn't take his phone with him he would know you'd find out.
I'd be quiet about it until you know more. Unfounded accusations can ruin a relationship. It's probably nothing and your mind running away with you but I wouldn't discount your intuition either.

UserError012345 · 23/05/2022 13:42

You know the answer. Dig a bit deeper and you'll find the evidence.

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 23/05/2022 13:44

Does he shower before or after these trips out?

Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 13:57

Can't believe how many people think that deduction is a viable relationship tool. If you can't talk to him and trust his responses, you don't have a relationship, regardless of what he's up to when he's out.

BrightNewLife · 23/05/2022 14:06

@Somethingisup Could he be doing something nice? Do you have a birthday coming up?

Collecting something on Facebook marketplace, if it's a residential addresses? Checking out a car to buy? Are you potentially moving house?

15 / 30 minutes is quite short, otherwise I'd also wonder if he was seeing a therapist/shiatsu something like that.

If your relationship is otherwise totally fine, I'd wait it out and not fear the worst.

Zemw · 23/05/2022 14:42

Trust your instincts.

failing40s · 23/05/2022 15:07

BrightNewLife · 23/05/2022 14:06

@Somethingisup Could he be doing something nice? Do you have a birthday coming up?

Collecting something on Facebook marketplace, if it's a residential addresses? Checking out a car to buy? Are you potentially moving house?

15 / 30 minutes is quite short, otherwise I'd also wonder if he was seeing a therapist/shiatsu something like that.

If your relationship is otherwise totally fine, I'd wait it out and not fear the worst.

Oh yes - maybe he's getting/doing something nice or a surprise for you.

KangarooKenny · 23/05/2022 15:08

Is he buying drugs ?

KangarooKenny · 23/05/2022 15:09

And when they give you too much detail they are lying.

beachcitygirl · 23/05/2022 15:21

I'm sorry but my thoughts are drugs/prostitute.

Trust your instincts.

Overthewine · 23/05/2022 15:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

springbreak22 · 23/05/2022 16:10

Arranging a surprise party for you 🥳

Original poster
Somethingisup · 23/05/2022 20:08

Thanks for all the replies.

Just a couple of things. There are no upcoming significant events and we aren't planning any major purchases either. If he was going on marketplace and buying something it wouldn't be an issue, so why the lie?

He works from home and his mental health took a nosedive during the pandemic so if anything I would be supportive of him doing something for himself whether that be walking, driving etc etc. The lies just feel too fully thought out with reasons to be in certain places. I hate to be vague as to how I know he isn't where he says but he just isn't.

I don't think it's drugs which makes me think it's sex. To those that said it isn't a lot of time, that's what puzzles me too.

We'll have to speak at some point but for now I think I want to wait and see if it happens again.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Zemw · 23/05/2022 20:29

Hope it turns out to be innocent OP.

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 21:06

First instinct would be sex workers unfortunately.

Kittykat93 · 23/05/2022 21:10

Can't see many sex workers taking a ten minute booking. Could be drugs but in all honesty just ask him. Don't drive yourself mad.

Original poster
Somethingisup · 31/05/2022 08:49

I thought I'd come back here and update. Not good news unfortunately.

A couple of nights ago I was using his phone for something. Unfortunately he left his browser open on some kind of hook up site. I felt too sick to delve any further but he clearly has a profile with lots of views.

We've since had a conversation and he doesn't deny it but says that he has been exchanging photos and messages only. He says he thinks of it like porn although he absolutely agrees he wouldn't be happy with me doing it. He says he has never physically met anyone. I have asked to view his profile but he refuses and says there is nothing to be gained from that.

He knows there may not be a good outcome here but we've left it there for now. I feel numb.

I have the children here all week. He's also working from home and for various reasons can't go and stay elsewhere. We're also supposed to go on a much wanted holiday in a few days. I feel totally stuck. I can't get any space without the children knowing something is wrong and I'm not ready for that.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 31/05/2022 08:57

I'm so sorry. Can he be convinced to not go on the holiday?

SophSoSo · 31/05/2022 08:57

The fact that he won’t let you look at his profile says it all.

He has been going somewhere for sex, I think you know that deep down. I’m sorry OP x

SortingItOut · 31/05/2022 09:18

Was the hook up site Fabswingers?

Most hook up sites allow people to give feedback/verifications - this is whst he doesn't want you to see, no doubt most are from proper meets rather than just exchanging photos.

You know he's met others for sex, he knows you know this but he's only going to admit to the bare minimum.
Men like him like the thrill of the deceit, no doubt he wants to keep the family together and continue with this 'secret ' life.

You need to get rid, men like him don't change