I am having an affair and he goes quiet ish after we meet up

[AshleeJaye]

I was reading this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1849983-Lover-goes-quiet-on-me-after-sex and it made me think. I am married and have been with my husband for 18 years.

I met a chap in Feb 2019 and we hit it off, he is a mutual friend. He chased me for all these years and in March this year, I broke and slept with him. We have had sex since then, this week actually and we have regular sexting sessions.

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet. I get one liner texts that are very short and cold & I have to start them, but he always replies instantly, but if I mention anything sexual, he does not answer me. He too is in a relationship about 20 months old.

I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.

Any advice.......

Of course I'm not, don't be ridiculous. Answer what I'm actually asking and stop changing the goalposts.

You weren't talking about when it's ok to have a relationship. You said, in essence, that it's easy to avoid an illicit one because you can get all your needs met by wanking and talking to friends. The obvious next question, then, is: so why does anyone have a relationship of any kind at all? If one can be so wholly satisfied with wanking and friends?

If you're going to claim a great understanding of affairs, you surely know why wanking and friends don't satisfy everyone.

And obviously that's not to say affairs are ok. But to make such a claim doesn't suggest much understanding of love and sex at all, whatever the ethics or lack of.

Oh, my apologies @Onthedunes, you aren't the poster who originally said that.

Still, I must vehemently disagree with the suggestion that if I think there are needs and desires that can't be met by wanking and platonic friendships, I must also think that people who have affairs have "greater depth of feeling". That's totally illogical.

That's not what I asked. If wanking and friendships are so satisfying, what's the point of a relationship?

The cheater is already in a relationship. I'm not saying that masturbation is the most satisfying thing in the world for everyone. I'm saying people can do those things rather than commit infidelity. Then of course the ideal would be that they plan to leave their current marriage (if that's what they want/need to do.) After they've left their spouse they can have as many relationships as suit their values. So, plan their separation but don't cheat in the meantime. Because cheating is not ok.

You said you had a "very, very wide, intimate knowledge of affairs and why people cheat", so why do you think friends and masturbation are all people need?

It's a short term measure until they can separate from their spouse permanently, and can have whatever relationships they want without cheating.

Of course this is all said from a liberal perspective of everyone having whatever relationships they want/feel appropriate when single, masturbation being ok etc etc.

Everyone fucks up sometimes and even if someone has cheated, they can turn it around.

I think there are needs and desires that can't be met by wanking and platonic friendships

Plenty of people don't have a lover and it doesn't kill them.

I'm not talking about dying. I'm talking about human needs and wants.

Are we agreeing, in a roundabout way, that there are sexual, romantic and emotional needs that won't be entirely fulfilled by wanking and platonic friends? Because if not, then like I said before: why have any relationship at all?

I'm not justifying affairs. I'm saying human sexuality is a bit more complex than friends and wanking and I don't think we get much worthwhile discussion if we don't acknowledge that.

To put it another way: if all our needs and desires can be so easily met with friends and wanking, why are we so devastated and heartbroken when our partners cheat?

Why sentient beings form close emotional bonds that are described as relationships has nothing to do with some sentient beings have multiple rationships at the same time.

It's a different argument or conversation.

Well yes, it’s obviously not an intelligent choice for anyone to post humiliating details about their life online using their actual name. But now you’re simply linking your new username with your other one on the same thread 😄

Anyway. Good luck with attempting bare minimum basic decency.

I agree. That's why it's not what I'm asking.

tbf one person said do not post my name Ashlee Jaye, so I took advice and changed to AJUK. I came on here for advice, as I'm lost. Sorry.

Lost the last two brain cells more likely. 🙄

OP, you’ve got shedloads of advice, you’re not “lost”, you said yourself you know what you should do but it’s “addictive”. So no, by your own admission you’re not at all “lost”. You’re an adult with choices. Use them. Tell your husband all of it. ALL of it, and the whole truth. Don’t blame him once or try to defend yourself, this is on you, not him. You haven’t told him all of it so as not to hurt him. Have you any idea how often this is trotted out by cheats as a convenient excuse to be a coward and hide stuff from an already traumatised spouse who deserves the truth? Ask him if he wants to know all of it, he might not. If he does, tell him. Answer everything honestly so he finally has the same information as you and he can decide whether or not to make an effort with the marriage or cut his losses.
Your shocking use of “lol” makes a bit more sense now. You really haven’t got a clue about the damage you’re doing, have you? It’s still all about you. Wake up OP. Put him first for a change in this mess and ask him what he needs from you. If you want the marriage , give him all the information he wants with total honesty. Let him decide. Then snd only then you discuss the marriage and what you both need to do to improve things.

@AJUK

I have not said everything as I don't want to hurt him.

No, you've not said everything as you don't want to face the consequences of your actions.

If not hurting your partner was so important, you wouldn't have taken the path that you did.

What you fear is him reacting badly to you. Of the consequences that affect you when he learns of the whole truth. Don't mistake what your doing as being altruistic. You're just dodging responsibility.

I feel that some of your comments have been correct, as an affair is not the right thing to do. I don't want to leave my husband as he will be alone, his family don't bother with him and he is a good man deep down BUT his emotions and attitude to life are so negative. It is like an 18 year prison scentence without committing a crime, I just want him to be happy, but I want to be happy to. I know an affair is not an answer though, but I do question that I am not good enough for my DH and when another makes you feel that you are good enough, things happen :( I am trying to be so honest here.

You are obviously unhappy in your marriage - but what does he (your affair guy) feel about his relationship? As far as you know?

Do you not think its possible that he might be happier out of your relationship? I'm not saying that you're the cause of his pessimism or unhappiness at all, but you clearly aren't the right fit for each other. I've got a close family member who stayed with her first H because she thought he'd break without her. He didn't though. She's been married a few more times since and is still trying to not be a square peg. Why don't you just give yourself a chance to be you? Without either man.

Infidelity can cause irreparable damage to the person who's been cheated on.

I just want him to be happy, but I want to be happy to.

Then speak to your husband about the fact you're unhappy FFS. Arrange some couples counselling and see if anything can be done. If its a dead loss, he will then be prepared for the worst and likely more accepting of it.

Playing him for a fool and messing about with a guy who is, lets face it, a creep is no way to get long term happiness. It's shitty behaviour.

@Gotmynewshoes & @ButterfliesAWOL noted and I agree with you both. I'm the arsehole and have tried to talk, we have had counselling and that has got us no where. I agree with you, it's time to break, clear my head and be on my own. I can do this and once I have cleared my head, I can think again with no distractions x

Not read the whole post but I can guarantee when a shag is in the offing he's all singing all dancing
Guilt and disgust hits him afterwards, and of course he's had his shag so doesn't need to make an effort until the next time he's horny
You're nothing but a human wank sock to him and he's utterly vile
Work on your boundaries and get some self respect

It's guilt. He does that with you, feels guilty after and goes quiet.

You need to consider what you're getting from this? It's just a quick thrill. Surely not risking your marriage over?

That sounds (from the tiny snippet of your life that you've shared!) to be the right way forward. I hope things work out for you. You should never define yourself as someone else's sticking plaster.

I think you should leave your poor husband

An affair is just kicking the can down the road on your marriage.

You really are allowed to leave your marriage for any reason.

Have you had any counseling for how you feel? That would be the first step rather than having an affair.

I hate to break it to you but affair guy doesn't even like you. He can text, get his balls emptied and forget about you until the next time.
That's a harsh way of saying it, but it's true.

Cut this guy off. There really truly is nothing there at all.

Whatever you decide to do about your situation, may I suggest you choose a new unattached lover. Whether you choose to make a new life with this person or not, you deserve to spend time with someone who's FUN. In bed and out of it. And someone you can spend time with in an honest and open way.

Make a decision to start a new life. If you can't make things work with your husband, then so be it. Move forward in a positive way.

Look after yourself. Love yourself. Ignore anyone who wants to tell you you're a bad person. Find out how to be a fulfilled and happy person.