Emotional affair aftermath

[Jewelcrown]

Name changed..Hi, I had an emotional affair 4 years ago now, it never went past talking, but I know it still hurt dp greatly , since then we worked things out and had a good 4 years but I find it still gets brought up, he still very insecure , I find I'm never enough ,is this something that I should just accept because of what I did ? I deserve this I'm sure , but just it's not the same , nor should it be , but how long should I take the blame ? He has got quite controlling since then and although I understand I just feel perhaps it would of been better if we had just called it a day , I'm forever the bad guy , but do I deserve to be? Sometimes are things better to end . I'm not able to fight for it much longer.

Sometimes despite your best efforts, a relationship can remain broken and this sounds like you both are patching up something that hasn't been workable for some time, neither of you sound happy. Just call it quits and walk away.

You can't trust someone once they have an affair. Even if he has forgiven you there will always be a part of him that doesn't trust you because he knows you once put your own needs first to his detriment. I know this from experience. You cannot get back what you had before the affair. You can only try to rebuild a new relationship and if that isn't working you need to talk to eachother. How long should you take the blame? Forever. You will always be that person that did that and you cannot wipe that from your conscience and if you think you can you need to take a long hard look at yourself. Until it happens to you, you will never understand the psychological damage it causes. Every time something small happens it triggers those thoughts like PTSD. Oh they are late home from work/didn't answer their phone...I wonder if they have started another affair. Maybe they are laughing at me behind my back again. It's no way to live and cause deep deep resentment if you are not careful. I would work on your empathy because it's usually people with low levels of empathy who cheat and it sounds like you don't have a lot of empathy or respect for your husband even now, he may on fact be better off without you so he can work on his self esteem. Are there children involved? What's keeping you together?

You've tried op.

I don't think you should be the bad guy forever.

Why did you have the emotional affair? Have those issues been resolved?

Generally people have emotional affairs because something is missing from their relationship. Doesn't make it ok but if your husband wants to stay with you he can't keep making you the bad guy and taking swipes when he's feeling insecure. It was 4 yrs ago he either needs to forgive and bite his tongue or call it quits. Have you tried counselling? I ask because my friend was in a similar situation and found counselling very helpful x

You need to talk to him and explain how this is making you feel. Counselling is a great idea. I went through similar and it was much better after and we are now much happier. Talking solves so much.

Relationship counselling would be a good idea. It doesn't sound very healthy as things stand.

If you're not able to fight for it much longer then I think you should end it. Do you think your choice of actions caused him to become insecure, or was he insecure before he found out? If the former then I think you would be doing him a favour in the long-term because he might eventually be able to reclaim his confidence in trusting people but it will probably be a long road for him in any case.

Trust can most definitely be rebuilt. Saddens me seeing so many of us on here saying "end it" or "you're done" to people who post problems.

If you want it to work then you can make it work with effort from both of you. Talk to him!

It's never quite the same. It'll be a 'rebuilt' trust which doesn't quite compare to the original default trust. You know; when you fall in love, get together, share your lives - you don't even think about trust. It's just the background default. But then when something happens, even if the betrayer is distraught and makes 100% effort and assures you it won't ever happen again ... there it is: trust has been brought to the foreground. Questions about it will surface at surprising times. If he's done it once, he can do it again. Perhaps he had a little addiction? If things aren't 100% happy for him in five years time, will he start messaging someone else, for the thrill?
It's tempting to view 'rebuilt' trust through rose-tinted specs - I get that you want to, because you want things to be as they were before. Pristine. But it will never be the same because he destroyed that.

I respectfully disagree.. We rebuilt after text messages/flirting with office friends and its been great since. I trust him again 100%.

It was worth working at it rather than waisting our marriage.

Obviously that applies to just flirtlness.. If it was anything more then that's the line crossed I'm afraid.

You must be a naturally trusting person.

Really? 100 percent? So he showed full remorse I am assuming and gives you full transparency of everything? He changed jobs to be away from the person. And there is no nagging doubt anywhere in your mind that he would do it again even if just messages? If he did it again and it was just messages would you forgive him again? I admire your forgiveness but I guarded myself personally because I didn't want to give my whole heart to that person again as I had done before in case I got hurt again.

I am from the other side and its been 7 years and I am not over it.
I think it very much depends on how you dealt with it at the time and how you have tried to rebuild.
My dh didn't admit to anything, made no additional effort, didn't attempt counselling, didn't want marriage counselling, he made me feel a fool.
I buried it because we had a young child and I felt that ashamed and humiliated and my self esteem dropped off a cliff (it was quite low to start)
It is now coming to a head because I have taken steps to have counselling myself (he has still done nothing to work through what/why etc) and I don't know if we can survive it now.
It's more that I now feel guilty possibly separating because of something so long ago, makes it feel like it's my fault.
I think you have to talk openly and he needs to decide if he can move on from it. If not, then you need to decide if you can stay with him knowing things will possibly always be that way.
You both deserve to be happy. People make mistakes, but you have to own that mistake, take responsibility for it and accept how other people respond to it. If the way they deal with it doesn't sit well with you, then you have just as much right to end the relationship as they do.

You're projecting. That's what you'd need - not necessarily what @Julie77k needs

I am in a similar position as your husband. I am sure my husband thinks that all is fine but to be honest I no longer fell the same way as I did before and I am not sure I ever will.
It is the new normal and I honestly think my husband can’t comprehend the damage he really did to our marriage. He is keen to fix things but I am wary of being hurt.
I wonder if your husband is as over it as you think and if his current behaviour is an attempt to push you to end your relationship? I think you need to discuss if he really does want it to work.

Glad that you have rebuilt - it is good to hear and sincerely hope all works out. I am currently in limbo having found out about my DH's emotional affair and a lot of this resonates. However, I am curious as to what everything thinks crosses the line from flirtiness to an affair?