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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am having an affair and he goes quiet ish after we meet up

225 replies

AshleeJaye · 12/06/2022 12:24

I was reading this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1849983-Lover-goes-quiet-on-me-after-sex and it made me think. I am married and have been with my husband for 18 years.

I met a chap in Feb 2019 and we hit it off, he is a mutual friend. He chased me for all these years and in March this year, I broke and slept with him. We have had sex since then, this week actually and we have regular sexting sessions.

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet. I get one liner texts that are very short and cold & I have to start them, but he always replies instantly, but if I mention anything sexual, he does not answer me. He too is in a relationship about 20 months old.

I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.

Any advice.......

OP posts:
SleepyDoggo · 12/06/2022 17:01

Comedycook · 12/06/2022 17:00

I judge anyone who has an affair regardless of circumstances

Do you? That's rather odd. Life is very complicated. Even in criminal matters, there are mitigating circumstances.

Nope. Finish one relationship. Start another.

grapewines · 12/06/2022 17:04

Comedycook · 12/06/2022 17:00

I judge anyone who has an affair regardless of circumstances

Do you? That's rather odd. Life is very complicated. Even in criminal matters, there are mitigating circumstances.

Really? Would you have said that if some bloke was on here telling people to fuck off for judging him about having an affair for years?

bloodyplanes · 12/06/2022 17:11

He goes quiet because hes got what he wants......sex.

Barkingmadhouse · 12/06/2022 17:11

SleepyDoggo · 12/06/2022 17:01

Nope. Finish one relationship. Start another.

Show quote history

Completely agree. Absolutely no reason for cheating

Sofacouchboredom · 12/06/2022 17:19

'Nope. Finish one relationship. Start another.'

Absolutely!

Strange that anyone would think it's cool to have 'no judgement' when affairs and cheating put a the betrayed at risk in so many ways and rips their personal agency from them.

Hutchy16 · 12/06/2022 17:20

You are ridiculous - the actual audacity of you, to come onto a forum and ask for advice about your cheating.

honestly…so many poor women on here have been cheated on, and you just want to ‘have your cake and eat it’ - I’m actually baffled

if you don’t want to be unfaithful, then don’t be - simple

you say you love him - but you don’t show it

You have to be a troll…no way that this is genuine!

ThirtyThreeTrees · 12/06/2022 17:24

I don't understand how this is rocket science.

He gets what he wants...a shag...and knows that you'll show up again to service him nicely without an significant effort my him.

He clicks his fingers, you go running. It's too easy for him. He doesn't respect you and knows he doesn't even gave to.

Think you need to give your head a wobble.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 12/06/2022 17:26

So, you are having an affair and he isn't showering you with long messages, nice sweet nothings after sex? Bless you!
He is probably quiet cos he having sex with his partner in hope he can shag the guilt away. Stop texting him after for goodness sake he is busy! 🙄

Oh on a side note, stop with the excuses. If your husband is too much hard work...end it! Don't try to justify a hurtful affair

Jumpking · 12/06/2022 17:47

Having walked the journey with a friend having an affair, I understand it's not an easy thing to stop if he's giving you what you feel is lacking in your marriage.

My advice is to see a counsellor. Work with them to decide what you do want from life. Do you want to try again at your marriage or are you done? The affair is a side issue, as he clearly only wants you for sex.

Decide what you want from life and then make it happen. 100%.

Oopsiedaisyy · 12/06/2022 17:56

As someone who had an affair, its post meet blues probably, the bit of time when you have to go back to your normal life. It could also be a little bit of guilt, so he's refocusing a bit on his real life.

I won't judge, as i had an affair, but i am much happier when i left my marriage and realised if he wanted to be with me, he would be.

He didn't and actually i realised it would have been a disaster if he had.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 12/06/2022 18:05

Do you want to try again at your marriage or are you done

That should also be the choice of her DH. However she hasn't told him she's been shagging someone else behind his back for 3 years.

Moonface123 · 12/06/2022 18:08

You are simply a distraction for him and l think he has a very different agenda to you.
If you left your husband you wouldn't see him for dust, men can easily have sex with women they don't even like, nevermind love.

Sunnierdays · 12/06/2022 18:12

He’s using you for sex, you’re using your husband for security ! This will not end well .

me4real · 12/06/2022 18:16

I'm also having an affair. We've been going strong for 2 years now and never been happier. We're halfway through setting up our home together and are sitting out partners down and telling them everything. My husband is an alcoholic and his wife is reliant on drugs. Sometimes you have to grab happiness if none is available in your home life and that's what we are doing. No regrets!

That's one think (though you should've dumped your husband before you cheated) but OP is just enjoying a rush and getting laid.

Both parents dying within 4 months of each other, best friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and dead within 5 days, a very bad car crash resulting in me being hospitalised for 3 weeks.

Everyone goes through stuff but most people don't use it as an excuse to cheat.

I judge anyone who has an affair regardless of circumstances

Do you? That's rather odd. Life is very complicated.

It's not ok. Ever. No matter what the situation someone doesn't have to do stuff with someone else at all before they leave their partner.

me4real · 12/06/2022 18:19

*one thing

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 12/06/2022 18:20

nojudgementwanted · 12/06/2022 15:00

I'm also having an affair. We've been going strong for 2 years now and never been happier. We're halfway through setting up our home together and are sitting out partners down and telling them everything. My husband is an alcoholic and his wife is reliant on drugs. Sometimes you have to grab happiness if none is available in your home life and that's what we are doing. No regrets!

Well there maybe once he moves on from you. As the saying goes....

me4real · 12/06/2022 18:24

You are ridiculous - the actual audacity of you, to come onto a forum and ask for advice about your cheating.

You have to be a troll…no way that this is genuine!

I've posted stuff years ago (I was an OW.) Maybe I was thick but I didn't realize what people would be like. Grin I thought they would just be supportive to women and give them advice whatever they were upto.

And I had a blind spot about affairs/being an OW. I can't imagine being like it now. MN taught me about a lot of things, including morals.

ReneBumsWombats · 12/06/2022 18:27

I think some OW post on here masochistically. They desire a kicking and, having been suitably punished, feel a bit better about it.

SeemsSoUnfair · 12/06/2022 18:33

You are an itch. Can't resist scratching it, but once scratched can be ignored.

No-one actually wants an itch in the first place, but it is appears might as well scratch it.

deedledeedledum · 12/06/2022 18:37

@me4real It's not ok. Ever. No matter what the situation someone doesn't have to do stuff with someone else at all before they leave their partner.
I think you must have led a very privileged or sheltered life if you think in such black and white terms. There are many situations in which I could imagine an affair should not or should not attract criticism.

me4real · 12/06/2022 18:43

I think you must have led a very privileged or sheltered life if you think in such black and white terms.

Absolutely not.

There are many situations in which I could imagine an affair should not or should not attract criticism.

I've been an OW numerous times. Then MN helped me see it wasn't ok. There's never any reason to cheat. The person can always decide not to do it.

deedledeedledum · 12/06/2022 19:07

me4real · 12/06/2022 18:43

I think you must have led a very privileged or sheltered life if you think in such black and white terms.

Absolutely not.

There are many situations in which I could imagine an affair should not or should not attract criticism.

I've been an OW numerous times. Then MN helped me see it wasn't ok. There's never any reason to cheat. The person can always decide not to do it.

That person might then be choosing a life with no intimacy or love due to circumstances beyond their control that they can remove themselves from. You are VERY limited in your understanding of the world

deedledeedledum · 12/06/2022 19:09

Can NOT remove the section from that should read

deedledeedledum · 12/06/2022 19:10

Fuck it!!! CAN NOT REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM!!!

Onthedunes · 12/06/2022 19:10

Sounds like you've been de masculising your husband for years, you've progressed and are currently de humanising him.

You're actually not that nice, are you.

Leave your husband he will find his balls then and probably do much better.

Good luck finding the next victim.

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