I am having an affair and he goes quiet ish after we meet up

[AshleeJaye]

I was reading this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1849983-Lover-goes-quiet-on-me-after-sex and it made me think. I am married and have been with my husband for 18 years.

I met a chap in Feb 2019 and we hit it off, he is a mutual friend. He chased me for all these years and in March this year, I broke and slept with him. We have had sex since then, this week actually and we have regular sexting sessions.

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet. I get one liner texts that are very short and cold & I have to start them, but he always replies instantly, but if I mention anything sexual, he does not answer me. He too is in a relationship about 20 months old.

I know I should just stop it, but I can't and he did say Tuesday that we are addictive. It is really doing my head in, as I really like him, find him attractive and question if I'd leave my husband for him!!

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.

Any advice.......

Come on op, do you really think we are buying that you have used your real name Ashlee’ and posted a thread about merrily having an affair and how to interpret your affair partner’s texts?
All without a hint or shame or compunction on a site like mumsnet where you’ll be roasted to hell and back?
I’m not buying this one bit! You’re either incredibly naive or taking the piss.

What terrible advice! Op needs to stop being a lying cheat and tell her DH what she is up to so that he can leave her and find someone much better, she does not need to find someone 'better' to continue her affair with

The first thing you do is go absolutely no contact with the affair partner. None. Zero. And you don't even need to warn him, just do it.

Then you get yourself into counselling. You need to work out why you've betrayed someone you say you love. Affairs are highly addictive, dopamine surges etc they are usually transactional ego stroking but at some level you chose this over facing some own truths.

I would also read around affair psychology. Affair recovery videos are a good place to start.

I have no time for infidelity, you've stolen your husbands personal agency from him, his sexual, emotional, mental and physical health has been put at risk by your actions. At some point you will have to deal with that with him.

First, get rid of this man.

He's a mutual friend. I presume meaning he's friends with both you and your husband. Which somehow makes it even worse.

The thing is, I don't want an affair, I don't want to be unfaithful, I love my husband.

what utter nonsense.

If you didn't want an affair you wouldn't be shagging someone else.
if you didn't want to be unfaithful you wouldn't be shagging someone else.
If you loved your husband you wouldn't be shagging someone else.

Well this isn't goady at all is it?

That is the thing, my head is making no sense. I have for 18 years supported my husband. Everything he has thrown at me and even after some big lies/mistakes, I stood by him. I don't know, I am just confused and probably making no sense at all!

I'd buckle up if I were you, because you're going to feel crazier as time goes on.
My guess is that your AP is conflicted and the coolness after is his guilt. Other possibilities include he despises you for what he sees as you tempting him away; that he loses interest between sex or that he's playing games.
Whichever, this will be a pattern and you will spend your time glued to your phone, moods swinging from high to rock bottom dependent on his whim, being present in your family physically but not mentally, generally living a half life.
If you don't want to end it for moral reasons, you should from pure self interest as id bet my house there's no happiness for you here.

What is wrong with me lol, I just can't give what we have up, it excites me, but is also driving me a little crazy.

Any advice.......
Yes if your bored take up knitting or running. Crochet and dominoes can also quite stimulating. Writing bullshit stories and 'lolling' yourself at the end of which tells you all you need to know....bullshit

Yep

I disagree with others saying he feels guilty. There is a particular type of man who has this kind of affair. Your purpose to him is very specific: sex. The flattery and attention is simply part of getting it ( a very powerful hook as well). Once you've obliged, he goes back to his life, which you are not part of. It's possibly the most demeaning type of relationship to be in.

Since you say you know you've messed up, I suggest you delete him from your phone, never see him again and chalk this up a dreadful mistake. Then try and work out what you want out of life for yourself.

‘lol’ indeed. Your husband needs to know so he can get STD checks, and choose whether he wants better in life than you, Ashlee. Why use your real name, do you want someone you know to see this?

Not really interested in your minging sex stories.

He goes quiet because a) he’s got what he wanted b) feels guilty

He's using you for a cheap thrill and goes quiet because he's had one. There is no need for him to contact you. Obviously. Your poor husband.

After we meet or after phone sex, he always goes quiet. I get one liner texts that are very short and cold & I have to start them,

Because once he's got what he wants, which is sex, he isn't interested in you until he wants sex again. He's using you.

Op, is there some part of you hoping the affair comes out and breaks up your marriage? What you’re saying about loving and supporting your husband all these years but feeling drained by it seems to point that way.
is there a fear that you can’t commit to leaving under your own steam? As in you make the decision the marriage is no longer working and end it?

re: him being quiet after sex. There’s something I read about feeling gross after watching porn to get off. Once you’ve gotten your kicks the porn seems dirty or something. I imagine this is similar.

also, you and him are not addictive. He’s enjoying the thrill of chasing you and having you when you’re a married woman. It could be anyone he’s chasing as it’s the chase he likes not the act. He is guaranteed to disappear and put all of the blame on you when the shit hits the fan.

I suggest ending the affair, work on your self esteem and decide what you want from your life. Nothing you have posted here points to a happy person.

After he shags you, he is focussed on buttering up his girlfriend for a shag. So this is why he goes quiet on you. Once he’s shagged her, he can get back to buttering you up for the next shag. It must be really exciting and fun for him, deciding which woman to go for next.

Do you think you and the girlfriend are the only women in this, or maybe he has a third woman that he butters up and then goes quiet on.

please go to an STD clinic for your own health

I just can't give what we have up

Of course you can. Just block.
Takes seconds and is just a physical action.
Leave your husband if you aren't happy with him, but don't cheat.
And don't claim you're not in control of what you're choosing to do.

The bloke you're shagging is blatantly using you for it.

@AshleeJaye
Sort yourself out and pick a lane.
You're posts suggest you lack basic morality, self esteem and any sort of direction. You're in charge of all of those things, nobody else.

Grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Get the help of a professional if you need support. Carrying on like this will cause hurt for everyone including yourself.

Good luck, you need it.

He ignores you as he his 'fix', then pops back up when he is horny and wants the itch scratched. Will never understand why women entertain these awful men.

What is wrong with me lol

You are a liar
You lack respect for your husband
You are a home wrecker
You are being used
You have no morals
You are behaving like all of the negative words women get called.

Of course you can stop.

This!

I despise women like you, self obsessed, shallow and entitled. I really hope you don't have children. What a p*ss poor example of a mother you are.