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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I am a home wrecker

126 replies

anoniem · 28/09/2020 13:58

Hi guys,

I need some advice, and didn’t know where to turn - please don’t judge.

I met a guy online, we hit it off. Probably the first time I’ve ever felt at ease with a guy before. We have the same hobbies, he’s great.

Fast forward, I decided to do some snooping and found his LinkedIn, then his Instagram and now his Facebook.

He’s always said he was single, promised, literally asked him and he said he was, but his pictures says otherwise. Been in a relationship for 8/9 years, and married for 2.

I was sick, we met for coffee, had so much fun together, I’ve never opened up to someone as much as I have.

Now I don’t know what to do. He’s apologised, he’s said he was sorry, and that he always wanted to tell me, but was worried because what if I cut things off.

I just don’t know what to do. I really like him, and now I just feel stupidly vulnerable because he knows so much.

May seem like an obvious solution, but I just feel so drained from it all.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 28/09/2020 14:00

Drop and run.

Ohalrightthen · 28/09/2020 14:00

Ignore, block, move on.

VettiyaIruken · 28/09/2020 14:01

You like someone who lied to you and who is happy to shit all over his wife so he can get his end away?

loutypips · 28/09/2020 14:01

Walk away. Delete and block. You didn't know to start with, now you do and so you shouldn't continue to contact him. If he's happy to cheat on his wife, he will do the same to you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 28/09/2020 14:01

Well of course there's an obvious solution. How can you not know what to do?

Tappering · 28/09/2020 14:01

Dump, and tell him he's a lying cunt who has 24 hrs to tell his wife or you'll message her yourself.

twoshedsjackson · 28/09/2020 14:04

Well he was obviously convincing; sorry, you must be feeling wretched.
But ask yourself - you've seen him in action as a a genuine, convincing person, and now this - how can you ever be 100% convinced again?
And don't worry about him knowing things - he can only let on by admitting his own deceit.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 28/09/2020 14:05

He was online looking for a shag behind his wife's back, it happened to be you, but it could have been anyone and he would have played the game to get his own way.

Sorry to be so blunt, but what you shared meant something to you, but not to him, he has created a false sense of intimacy to get his own way.

He is a liar and a cheat. You deserve better.

SummerInSun · 28/09/2020 14:05

Yup, ditch. I know some good relationships where people have got together even though one of them was in a relationship at the time they first met, because they made an amazing connection , etc, etc. But in none of those situations did the already married party actively go looking for someone else - it just happened. And it was messy as hell in every case.

But this guy deliberately went online to look for someone even though he is in a long term relationship, and he lied to you about it. And he must be pretty thick to not realise that even the most basic due diligence would show up that lie. I very much doubt the person you think you've made this wonderful connection with is who he really is. As others have said - ditch, run, and don't look back.

ChaChaCha2012 · 28/09/2020 14:06

You're not a home wrecker, you've had a drink with someone who lied to you.

You can walk away now. If you do not, then you are indeed a home wrecker.

thelegohooverer · 28/09/2020 14:07

When you visualised the character of the man you hoped to meet and settle with, were you thinking about a liar and a cheat? Someone with no loyalty to his partner and children? Someone who could never be depended upon?

Would you like to find someone to grow old with, someone who will always have your back? Someone who will still think you’re worthy and beautiful when your tired, sick and worn down?

Try and separate out the character of this man from the facade of personality and looks and charisma. That’s all part of the illusion at the start of a relationship and it’s compelling, but if you want the real thing, you need to look for a man of good character.

He’s the opposite of a fairytale where the toad turns out to be a prince. He’s a prince who has turned out to be a toad.

AbbieFB · 28/09/2020 14:09

Even if he left his wife for you, you would know what he is capable of. He is an arsehole, he just managed to hide it for a while. This man will never bring you happiness. I’d let his wife know too.

EatDessertFirst · 28/09/2020 14:10

Block him. You won't be the only one he has gone after gor a shag. His poor wife.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 28/09/2020 14:14

You don't know what to do? Dump and run. You aren't a home wrecker at the moment because you weren't aware of his marriage, you will be though if you are aware and continue on.

woofwoof1880 · 28/09/2020 14:17

Has he left his wife and just didn't tell you, or is he still married and been talking to you on the side?

NC4Now · 28/09/2020 14:19

Well you obviously can’t trust him...

MashedSweetSpud · 28/09/2020 14:20

He lied to you. Ask yourself why.......so you’d have sex with him.

He will stay with his wife and carry on hooking up with other women he’s lied to.

He’s a pig.

Suzi888 · 28/09/2020 14:21

Run- if he is prepared to cheat on his wife and lie so comfortably he will do the same to you anyway.

Figgygal · 28/09/2020 14:24

He’s a cheating piece Of shit
You aren’t a home wrecker but if you don’t dump his arse now you do know you would be as shitty as he is
Move on

Original poster
anoniem · 28/09/2020 14:24

Thanks all - I know it seems obvious, he says he’s never done it before, but I feel so guilty. I guess all his reasons are excuses. But you are right. I hate making people sad and I’ve just let that cloud my judgment.

OP posts:
emmetgirl · 28/09/2020 14:25

Delete and block. He's the home wrecker not you.

SoulofanAggron · 28/09/2020 14:27

You know what you have to do.

He’s apologised, he’s said he was sorry, and that he always wanted to tell me, but was worried because what if I cut things off.

He shouldn't have had anything to tell you because he shouldn't have been flirting with you etc while lying in the first place at all.

SilverOtter · 28/09/2020 14:29

If he's never done it before, how come he's so good at it?🤨

You know what to do. I know it hurts, and it's hard but believe me you'll end up more hurt in the long run if you don't drop him now.

SpaceOP · 28/09/2020 14:31

He's never done it before? Hahahaha. Unlikely. But let's say that's true....

he still had to consciously and deliberately set up an online dating profile. Normal people who are married don't do that. It's just not a thing. He's a liar and a cheat. And the chances of him not doing this before are so so slim as to be almost nonexistent. Move on. You've had coffee with this man. He is not the love of your life and you know he's not a good guy. Why on earth would you even consider ar relationship?

FinallyHere · 28/09/2020 14:32

Now I don’t know what to do.

he says he’s never done it before

Yeah, right.

You do, you know, you really, really do.

Ignore, Drop, block and run

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