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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I am a home wrecker

126 replies

anoniem · 28/09/2020 13:58

Hi guys,

I need some advice, and didn’t know where to turn - please don’t judge.

I met a guy online, we hit it off. Probably the first time I’ve ever felt at ease with a guy before. We have the same hobbies, he’s great.

Fast forward, I decided to do some snooping and found his LinkedIn, then his Instagram and now his Facebook.

He’s always said he was single, promised, literally asked him and he said he was, but his pictures says otherwise. Been in a relationship for 8/9 years, and married for 2.

I was sick, we met for coffee, had so much fun together, I’ve never opened up to someone as much as I have.

Now I don’t know what to do. He’s apologised, he’s said he was sorry, and that he always wanted to tell me, but was worried because what if I cut things off.

I just don’t know what to do. I really like him, and now I just feel stupidly vulnerable because he knows so much.

May seem like an obvious solution, but I just feel so drained from it all.

OP posts:
neversayalways · 28/09/2020 15:51

You aren´t a homewrecker yet

You will never be a homewrecker - that will always be him. He can't fuck around unless he wants to fuck around. That is always on him. Other women aren't responsible for policing where he sticks his cock.

SandyY2K · 28/09/2020 15:57

You were sensible to do your checks. Now it's a matter of cut contact and block.

seensome · 28/09/2020 15:58

It was just a coffee and fortunately you've found out before it went any further.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/09/2020 15:59

@ChaChaCha2012

You're not a home wrecker, you've had a drink with someone who lied to you.

You can walk away now. If you do not, then you are indeed a home wrecker.

This. It's your choice now.
whataboutbob · 28/09/2020 16:03

If it ends here you’re not a home wrecker. However, it looks like this man is well on course to being just that.

Justaboy · 28/09/2020 16:03

So sorry to read this and what happened to you:(

That was a shitty trick and his poor wife, I think you'd do no wrong in telling her but i expect she has her supicions.

Absolute barstard him!

Its this OLD, its wide i open to abuse. I really think that the old fashoned marrige or dating agency ought to make a come back at least the parties involved would be checked out so at least it'd be genuine!

sammyjoanne · 28/09/2020 16:05

you not a home wrecker, but you will be if you stay with him. he lied to you from the get go, so will lie again. Cut your losses and run.

TheChristmasPrincess · 28/09/2020 16:13

You are not a home wrecker. You are not the one who has broken wedding vows or been unfaithful. He has! This is all his doing and his responsibility. Even if you knew, you are still not the home wrecker!

All I can advise you to do is to give him an ultimatum. Tell him to choose, it’s either you or her. You are not going to play second fiddle and be someone’s bit on the side. You both deserve a lot more respect than he is giving you. If he chooses you, make sure he has actually ended things with her and don’t stand to be his dirty little secret. YOU have done nothing wrong. If he chooses her, you’ve just saved yourself months and years of heart break. You were clearly nothing more than a bit of fun for him and he doesn’t deserve your tears.

I would also be inclined to tell his partner/wife that he’s been having a relationship with you. She deserves to know what a slimeball he is.

Justaboy · 28/09/2020 16:15

give him an ultimatum. Tell him to choose, it’s either you or her.

You say that Xmas princess but would you want to be involved with someone who lied like that?..

IceCreamSummer20 · 28/09/2020 16:16

If you carry on you will be causing huge, immense, devastating pain.

Up until now you did not know. Keep your integrity. You owe it to you and to his wife. You can be a better person. Just don’t wallow in ‘what should I do now’

You are a grown woman. Of course you know what you should do.

Illberidingshotgun · 28/09/2020 16:16

Well done on doing the "snooping" (I don't think it really is, I would always check out anyone I met on line, and would be happy for a potential date to do the same).

He blatantly lied about something so fundamental, he's a nasty person and doesn't deserve a moment more of your time. You describe him as "great" but he's really, really not.

ktp100 · 28/09/2020 16:19

So far you haven't done anything wrong. He told you he was single and you believed him.

If you choose to carry on seeing him you WILL be doing something wrong.

I'm afraid if you continue with this relationship you're as big a shit as he is.

Sorry if that's harsh OP, but it's true.

Venicelover · 28/09/2020 16:19

Run away, very fast, or in a couple of years you will be on here telling us all how your bf has cheated and lied (and probably stayed with his wife) the writing is on the wall now. Read it carefully.

Byallmeans · 28/09/2020 16:22

Your not a home wrecker but you won’t be the first women he has done this - why do you think he was so at ease? He is a serial cheat. I wonder if it is my Bil...

TeaOneSugar · 28/09/2020 16:30

It's not snooping, background checks are essential, you can find a Facebook profile from a first name and a rough idea of where he lives (plus clues about work, hobbies etc.) from that you can practically draw up a family tree, you can definitely check if anyone else is registered to vote or is named against the landline number. Unfortunately there are so many married men and women on OLD apps you have to assume everything they tell you is BS until you've verified it.

Quickchange5 · 28/09/2020 16:32

You have not done anything wrong - he isn’t who you thought he was though so time to get rid sorry OP .

TeaOneSugar · 28/09/2020 16:33

Someone will be along in a minute to tell me how tragic and unromantic that view is, probably someone who's being married 20+ years .....

This bloke needs to be blocked.

ktp100 · 28/09/2020 16:35

You will never be a homewrecker - that will always be him. He can't fuck around unless he wants to fuck around. That is always on him. Other women aren't responsible for policing where he sticks his cock

100% disagree.

Women who knowingly start a relationship with married men are scum, and yes, homewreckers.

Viviennemary · 28/09/2020 16:37

He is a married man looking for a bit of fun on the side. Don't be any part of this. He's a liar and a cheat.

phoenixrosehere · 28/09/2020 16:40

You will never be a homewrecker - that will always be him. He can't fuck around unless he wants to fuck around. That is always on him. Other women aren't responsible for policing where he sticks his cock.

Absolutely agree!!! I bet OP isn’t the first nor will she be the last.

OP isn’t the one married nor did she make vows with his wife. He did and he broke them the moment he went online looking and dating other women. He is going out lying to single women and telling him he’s single. He is the home wrecker.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2020 16:40

Who don’t you want to make sad?

Why don’t you just block him instead of this drama? You know you’re not a home wrecker, don’t be so self aggrandising. If you don’t cut him off immediately I’m afraid that any further angst and drama is on you. But you don’t need anyone else to tell you that and your tone suggests you might be relishing the drama.

Original poster
anoniem · 28/09/2020 16:41

Thanks for all the comments - new to this so not sure how to thank you all for the advice individually.

It’s my first proper relationship, and probably one that wasn’t a wise one. I hope I learn from my mistakes.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 28/09/2020 16:42

OP, leave him for your own sake. He’s already shown you he is selfish, a liar and a cheat. And he’s even had the cheek to say he lied because he wanted sex with you but preferably without you knowing he’s married! What a prince.

He will make you as miserable as his wife probably is. I would run a mile.

ZaphodDent · 28/09/2020 16:43

He has really done a number on you. You actually asked him if he was married and he promised he wasn't, so it's not as if he can play the "I was going to tell you" card. When was he going to tell you, I wonder? He was going to keep lying to you for as long as he was getting something out of the relationship.

And to get you to open up and share so many personal feelings and experiences, to create a bond between you that was based on lies. He had no right to make you so vulnerable.

I have two questions. Firstly, how did you meet online? Was it a dating site? Secondly, what's he telling you now? Is he saying he's willing to leave his wife? What's his strategy with you now?

MattBerrysHair · 28/09/2020 16:50

@anoniem

Thanks for all the comments - new to this so not sure how to thank you all for the advice individually.

It’s my first proper relationship, and probably one that wasn’t a wise one. I hope I learn from my mistakes.

Thank you xx

If all you've done is go for a coffee then it isn't a relationship at all. So far you've done nothing wrong, but if you continue knowing he is married then you will be very much 8n the wrong. Finish it, grieve, and move on.
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