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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I am a home wrecker

126 replies

anoniem · 28/09/2020 13:58

Hi guys,

I need some advice, and didn’t know where to turn - please don’t judge.

I met a guy online, we hit it off. Probably the first time I’ve ever felt at ease with a guy before. We have the same hobbies, he’s great.

Fast forward, I decided to do some snooping and found his LinkedIn, then his Instagram and now his Facebook.

He’s always said he was single, promised, literally asked him and he said he was, but his pictures says otherwise. Been in a relationship for 8/9 years, and married for 2.

I was sick, we met for coffee, had so much fun together, I’ve never opened up to someone as much as I have.

Now I don’t know what to do. He’s apologised, he’s said he was sorry, and that he always wanted to tell me, but was worried because what if I cut things off.

I just don’t know what to do. I really like him, and now I just feel stupidly vulnerable because he knows so much.

May seem like an obvious solution, but I just feel so drained from it all.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2020 16:50

How long have you been in touch? It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship.

TheChristmasPrincess · 28/09/2020 16:52

@Justaboy

give him an ultimatum. Tell him to choose, it’s either you or her.

You say that Xmas princess but would you want to be involved with someone who lied like that?..

Personally I wouldn’t be and am happy to admit that.

However, I know many long, successful and happy relationships that have resulted from affairs and family members being the ‘other’ woman. If she wants to give it a go, let her. But I feel the man involved needs to show both women respect and stop stringing them along. I’m sure OP is a grown woman and knows the risks of starting a relationship with a cheater should she go down that road.

Takingontheworld · 28/09/2020 16:52

@anoniem

Thanks for all the comments - new to this so not sure how to thank you all for the advice individually.

It’s my first proper relationship, and probably one that wasn’t a wise one. I hope I learn from my mistakes.

Thank you xx

This wasn't a relationship. I'm sorry he made you feel this way. Please don't use this as a future benchmark.

His wife deserves to know, too.

aSofaNearYou · 28/09/2020 16:55

You shouldn't call yourself a home wrecker. You haven't done anything wrong regardless as you didn't know, but it's an awful, misogynistic term. He is wrecking his own home.

Mydogmylife · 28/09/2020 16:58

I'm a bit puzzled that you are unsure of the correct course of action really. You are not in a relationship with this man, you have I understand only met him for coffee, before you knew his circumstances. You owe him nothing - and already he's proved himself to be a liar. I can't see what possible future you expect from this its got disaster and pain for you and his wife written all over it. Are you really that naive?

affor · 28/09/2020 17:04

OP I was you 6 months ago. Except I knew he had a wife but I was so head over heels and convinced we were different.

Doesn't matter if we were or not, if it was different or not, how much I liked him or at ease with him I was. It still ended like it was always going to and still hurts like hell.

Noone on here could get through to me. Thinking about his wife didn't help me make up my mind. What I wish I'd known was this. I was always going to have to go through the breakup and get over him. What I was choosing was when, not if. And its so so so much harder after time, but while the time gives you experiences and feelings and memories, those fade faster than the pain.

So delaying isn't worth it. you have to go through it and it's the loneliest kind of pain as as far as the world is concerned, he isn't yours to loose.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/09/2020 17:06

@SpaceOP

He's never done it before? Hahahaha. Unlikely. But let's say that's true....

he still had to consciously and deliberately set up an online dating profile. Normal people who are married don't do that. It's just not a thing. He's a liar and a cheat. And the chances of him not doing this before are so so slim as to be almost nonexistent. Move on. You've had coffee with this man. He is not the love of your life and you know he's not a good guy. Why on earth would you even consider ar relationship?

Exactly.

Oh OP- you are being played like a fiddle and you say you dont like to make others feel sad? Girrrrl.

This dude has been contacting MULTIPLE women online with the same ruse and the same old sob story, please, please dont be so naive that this is oh so unusual for him, that his motives for concealing his wife were so pure and noble because he didnt want to hurt you and that he just stumbled into online dating by accident when his finger fell on the dating app. He tripped and fell on his phone which caused his entire profile to be accidentally set up perhaps?

Come on now- wake up and smell the coffee. This guy is a lying, cheating arse and nothing, I repeat, NOTHING he has done has been for good or noble reasons, he wants to shag women apart from his wife and thats it.

SunshineCake · 28/09/2020 17:08

please have some time to think.

He isn't the only man in the world and he ain't even a good one since he lies and cheats.

Didn't tell you as he knew you'd leave. FGS.

What's his name ?

newnameforthis123 · 28/09/2020 17:08

I hate making people sad and I’ve just let that cloud my judgment.

Think about his wife then. Would probably make her pretty sad if you continued seeing her husband and she found out, no?!

Come on. Time to grow up. And ask another poster said. If you have issues around feeling guilty for essentially saying no and having boundaries, you shouldn't be dating at all at the moment.

It doesn't sound like you've even been seeing him that long?

Have you told him not to contact you again and then blocked him after reading the replies on this thread? If not, why not? I think you need to really examine that.

Bikinib0tt0m · 28/09/2020 17:13

This should tell you enough. He is not really a nice person. If you don't want to be with someone end it but to try live a double life it's wrong. This sort of person can't be trusted.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 28/09/2020 17:13

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, OP. You are not a home-wrecker; you are a trusting and caring person who has been brutally and callously deceived. This man doesn't deserve your affection. Walk away now.

VintageStitchers · 28/09/2020 17:14

OP, treat this as a useful learning experience so you know how to avoid a future predator.

Men who go online looking for an affair know exactly how to manipulate naive women into thinking their God’s gift.

  1. They listen attentively to you.
  2. Find ways to compliment you on your looks/taste etc.
  3. Buy you ‘thoughtful’ gifts.
  4. ‘Discover’ things you have in common.
  5. Tell you that you’re the first person that really understands them and that they’ve never done this sort of thing before.
This will be emphasised when you find out they’re cheating on a partner.
  1. They’re only staying with their partner because she’s depressed/ill and needs them and they don’t want to hurt her because they’re such a good guy!
  2. They never introduce you to their family.
Serin · 28/09/2020 17:38

Do the decent thing OP.

Original poster
anoniem · 28/09/2020 18:00

Thanks guys - I feel like a silly mare. The signs were there now I’m looking at it, I just feel so stupid.

Blocked him and told him to do one. He created another account on Instagram to message me, apologising and that he feels sick and couldn’t eat because what if his wife found out…

OP posts:
ProfessionalWeirdo · 28/09/2020 18:17

he feels sick and couldn’t eat because what if his wife found out…

That's his problem, not yours. OP. If he keeps bothering you, you could always threaten to tell her...

Justaboy · 28/09/2020 18:19

and that he feels sick and couldn’t eat because what if his wife found out…

Because more than lilkely she'll divorce him and he'll get kicked out!

And he'll then be homeless!

Sevensilverrings · 28/09/2020 18:21

Well done you.
And he’s trying to fish for whether you’ll tell his wife. I’d not make any more contact. He should worry about this, and it’s nothing to do with you. He will no doubt move on pretty quickly, sounds like he has form, sadly. His poor wife, but you dodged a bullet.
Try and think long and hard about what you deserve from a relationship, and where your lines are. Cheating and lying are fairly obvious, you deserve more, so don’t settle for someone like him. It’s good you found this out early, for all involved.

newnameforthis123 · 28/09/2020 18:21

@anoniem

Thanks guys - I feel like a silly mare. The signs were there now I’m looking at it, I just feel so stupid.

Blocked him and told him to do one. He created another account on Instagram to message me, apologising and that he feels sick and couldn’t eat because what if his wife found out…

Damage limitation. He's panicking. Just say you want no more to do with his situation and any further contact will be considered harassment. Should scare him off. Glad you've done the right thing now, he sounds like a dick.
Eugenieonegin · 28/09/2020 18:48

@anoniem

Thanks all - I know it seems obvious, he says he’s never done it before, but I feel so guilty. I guess all his reasons are excuses. But you are right. I hate making people sad and I’ve just let that cloud my judgment.
If you hate making people sad OP think about how sad his wife would be. He lied to you, he is not the man for you. Delete, block, next. Good luck there are lots of lovely SINGLE men, and you will meet one.
BuffaloMozzerella · 28/09/2020 18:57

Oh yuck, now he feel sick over his wife potentially finding out? And that's your problem how?

Didn't seem to feel too sick when it was all going in his favour, did he.

Bet if you tell him you will be considering whether or not to let her know, he gets nasty..

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/09/2020 19:09

@anoniem

Thanks guys - I feel like a silly mare. The signs were there now I’m looking at it, I just feel so stupid.

Blocked him and told him to do one. He created another account on Instagram to message me, apologising and that he feels sick and couldn’t eat because what if his wife found out…

This is him fishing to see whether you are likely to tell his wife or not. He's waiting for you to say that you won't tell his wife (or you will, so that he can get in first and paint you as a silly little girl who got infatuated with him and he had to turn her down so now she's getting vindictive...)

Do NOT reassure him. Just stay silent. It may make him think twice before he does this again.

EarthSight · 29/09/2020 10:53

He’s apologised, he’s said he was sorry, and that he always wanted to tell me, but was worried because what if I cut things off.

LOL. Yes.....I'm sure he's sorry! You finding out was never part of the plan! So what was his plan then? Stringing you along for two years, making you think that you might be on the way to marriage??

You might feel stupidly vulnerable, but he is in an incredibly vulnerable position himself......so I hope you're not thinking of carrying on for fear of him blurting out your secrets......because that would be a very, very bad idea if he did.

Chocaholic9 · 29/09/2020 11:33

You need to end it.

Chocaholic9 · 29/09/2020 11:34

Just read the thread and saw you ended it. Good on you.

Illberidingshotgun · 29/09/2020 12:15

Well done for getting rid of him OP. It just shows what a nasty person he is by the fact that his main worry is getting caught. You have learnt a lot through this unfortunate situation, and that is never wasted. Onwards and upwards.

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