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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I am a home wrecker

126 replies

anoniem · 28/09/2020 13:58

Hi guys,

I need some advice, and didn’t know where to turn - please don’t judge.

I met a guy online, we hit it off. Probably the first time I’ve ever felt at ease with a guy before. We have the same hobbies, he’s great.

Fast forward, I decided to do some snooping and found his LinkedIn, then his Instagram and now his Facebook.

He’s always said he was single, promised, literally asked him and he said he was, but his pictures says otherwise. Been in a relationship for 8/9 years, and married for 2.

I was sick, we met for coffee, had so much fun together, I’ve never opened up to someone as much as I have.

Now I don’t know what to do. He’s apologised, he’s said he was sorry, and that he always wanted to tell me, but was worried because what if I cut things off.

I just don’t know what to do. I really like him, and now I just feel stupidly vulnerable because he knows so much.

May seem like an obvious solution, but I just feel so drained from it all.

OP posts:
calllaaalllaaammma · 28/09/2020 15:08

You really don't know this man.
You are assuming a connection based on one meeting.
You do know he is a liar and set up a false profile.
The connection you felt was also based on a situation where he presented himself as what he knows you want to hear, he's an experienced liar.

oakleaffy · 28/09/2020 15:08

Men who can appear to be so supportive and lovely and “Soul mate” types are the most deceitful of all.

They know their targets and play them like a fish on a line... Don’t be that fish.
Shake the hook out and swim away.

Greeneyes78 · 28/09/2020 15:08

you’re going to carry it on i just know it

Eckhart · 28/09/2020 15:08

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. You started seeing someone who said they were single, who turned out to be lying, That's not your fault. But if you hate making people sad, drop him right now. Unless you think his wife would be happy about him having an affair.

WokesFromHome · 28/09/2020 15:09

So you asked him and he said he was single. Then you dug a little and he was called out on it so came clean.

He is a liar and a cheat and he is still lying to you.

He's never done this before. Hmm, really Hmm

I don't mean this rudely, but you seem to have low self esteem and this is what manipulative liars usually go for. I think you need to work on caring for yourself rather than getting what you need from a lying bastard.

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/09/2020 15:09

Firstly you are not a home wrecker.

You have in fact done nothing wrong. This man is the problem and I think if you move on he will be saying the same lies to someone else ( if he isn't already).

He is not a good guy or a nice person, and if you want to continue a relationship, I would look at his wife and how he treats her as that will be the position you will find yourself in.

Iloveacurry · 28/09/2020 15:12

You shouldn’t feel guilty. He should. You know what you need to do. He’s a liar and a cheat. Delete and block.

Aerial2020 · 28/09/2020 15:14

What do you mean you don't know what to do?
He's a liar and a cheat. He'll do the same to you.

FatArse123 · 28/09/2020 15:17

Why take responsibility for this OP? He is the one jeopardising a 'home', not you. You know what you need to do - he isn't the man you thought he was. It happens to the best of us!

ChocolateCherrybomb · 28/09/2020 15:19

Your choice but remember this,

Start off with a lying cheater, end up with a lying cheater.

They never change and you will always be looking out to see if he has his eye on your replacement yet.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 28/09/2020 15:23

You aren’t a homewrecker, you are the victim of a cynical liar and cheat. He may or may not have done this before but now he knows how effective it is he will undoubtedly do it again although he might cover his tracks better next time.

I hope you sever all contact straightaway. Don’t worry about how much he knows. He has a lot more to use than you if this ever came out.

If you stay with him knowing what he is you will know that if he can cheat on his wife he won’t have any compunction about also cheating on his bit on the side.

Ruminating2020 · 28/09/2020 15:23

You're not a home wrecker but I think second date is off the cards. You don't need this person in your life.

Alfiemoon1 · 28/09/2020 15:26

Block him

neversayalways · 28/09/2020 15:27

What every one else says.

He went online looking for someone to lie to. Hold that in mind.

You could probably open up because, to be blunt, he didn't care about your issues, so he didn't unconsciously emit alarm or withdrawal to what you said, as he wasn't looking of a partner, but an enjoyable sexual escape.

Coyoacan · 28/09/2020 15:31

He's treated you extremely badly, as well as his wife

This

He has no morals or principles and you do, so you don't really have that much in common

Benjispruce2 · 28/09/2020 15:32

You have to ask??? You know what to do.

P999 · 28/09/2020 15:34

You don't like 'making people sad'. Then block and run. His wife might feel a tad sad if you knowingly become the OW. You're not a homewrecker. Yet. He's an arsehole. Dont make excuses. Dump coldly. And get on with your life. He'll probably find a replacement soon. But dont waste anymore time. Flowers

Sevensilverrings · 28/09/2020 15:34

Stick with ‘not wanting to make someone sad’ and apply that to his wife, she would probably be shattered by this. If you need a reason not to see him tell him that, and don’t listen to his reply, it will be lies and more lies.
This is not the man you want, he lies and cheats. Run a mile. You do not want to be the other woman, why would you? You deserve more, and so does his wife. He is despicable.

Dunnowhat2do · 28/09/2020 15:38

You dont know what to do and you hate making people like him sad...Confused OK....

squeaver · 28/09/2020 15:41
  1. You're not a home wrecker
  1. If he's never done this before why is looking online?
  1. You must cut him off completely and don't even think about looking back. Do not give one moment's thought to how he's feeling.
  1. Stop feeling guilty.
Ruminating2020 · 28/09/2020 15:43

Please don't be a people pleaser and worry about him feeling sad.

Your integrity and self respect is worth more.

You know what to do and his feelings are not your responsibility.

dottiedodah · 28/09/2020 15:44

You have done nothing wrong .Just been tricked by a guy looking for something as a side order thats all! As others have said ,bow out now before any real harm is done .Some men will say literally anything to get you in their bed Im afraid!

sonjadog · 28/09/2020 15:47

You aren´t a homewrecker yet. You were fooled into believing something that it turns out isn´t true. If you continue then yes, you will be a homewrecker. And if you are worried about making people feel sad, just think about how his wife is going to feel when she finds out you are having an affair with her husband. That should be enough to stop you continuing to see this man.

Emmapeeler2 · 28/09/2020 15:47

I agree, delete, block and run. Don't even tell him you are doing it. This bloke may seem lovely but he actively went online looking for an affair and that is not lovely, it's creepy and deceptive.

LunchBoxPolice · 28/09/2020 15:48

I just don’t know what to do

Really ? How old are you?

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