Should your OH have a say in the car you drive?

[Handy123]

I drive a VW transporter (which I bought on my own) as at the time I ran my own business and needed the space. I’m now not doing that business any more and have had a new job for two years now. Husband loves the transporter more than I do (but he has two cars of his own anyway).

I’ve got to the point where I can afford to buy something that I’d like to drive. He keeps going mad whenever I mention it, saying what a great car the VW is for us and our family needs. We’ve two children, a large dog and another baby on the way.

Should I:
a) sell the VW and buy the car I really want?
b) give him the VW and then buy the car I really want (technically I can just about afford to do that)?
c) keep the VW just to keep him happy

Does anyone else’s OH have a big say in what car you drive or is this bordering on controlling behaviour? It sounds so daft but it’s getting me down.

A VW transporter by the way is like a large van, almost minibus type, with 8 seats, so it’s big to drive.

He can sell one of his cars to "buy" the VW from you if he wants to keep it.

You can buy the car you want so you both have a car each and the VW becomes the family car.

This is controlling behaviour from him dressed up as showing care for you. I would also think that sadly he abuses you in other ways as well.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Is this the relationship model you want to be showing your children, I would think not.

Sell the VW and buy the car you want from a dealer, do not have him be involved in any part of that process.

Are any of his two cars family friendly?

No - he’s got a golf (not really big enough for all of us) and a work van, which is really starting to fall apart.

He’s very reluctant to sell the golf but I think he realises the work van is on its last legs.

Problem is, he keeps saying he can’t afford to buy the big van off me, so it means that I’m left with the car I don’t want, whilst he has the car that he does.

My ex husband was like this. Bought himself the exact car he wanted, but I HAD to have an estate for the kids.

I just put my foot down and got the car I wanted.

If he can't afford to buy the big van off you why can't he sell he's car?

Can you have the Golf and give him the van?

I would sell the transporter van via a car dealer as he can’t buy it. My guess too is that he wants to keep his beloved golf at all costs despite the fact that 3 children and a dog won’t all fit into that either.

What is he like with you day to day?

As someone with a van & a car I was going to say keep the transporter! They always come in handy, especially with large dogs & a family.

But then read your husband already has a van and a golf!

While I don’t understand the love of volkswagens, I would say sell his van & get yourself a new car.

So basically yes, keep the transporter. But only if he agrees to sell his van.

Why can't he sell the golf?

Should I:
a) sell the VW and buy the car I really want?
b) give him the VW and then buy the car I really want (technically I can just about afford to do that)?
c) keep the VW just to keep him happy

Or D) he sells his cars and buys yours off you so that you can get what you want for you.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 the golf is an old one and it’s probably worth about £2K and my transporter about £19K.

@leafeater I could do but it’s his car and not really what I would choose to drive? I’d be giving him the expensive car (which I’ve worked really hard for) and driving around in a car which is not as reliable. So we’d keep all the cars he likes, and I wouldn’t have the chance to have what I wanted.

Your car = your choice. It’s not all about him (even though it appears he thinks it is). His options are “buy” the transporter from you or suck it up if he can’t afford it

Pinky - he is refusing to sell his golf (thinks it will become a classic soon and worth loads). My view is that it’s done well over 100,000 miles and is a heap and a money pit.

Also, his old work van is only worth £1500 on a good day, so he’s saying he can’t afford to buy my van even if he sold both cars. He’s guilt tripping me into keeping the transporter.

the golf is an old one and it’s probably worth about £2K and my transporter about £19K.

Ah, that wouldn’t have been useful info to begin with.

Sell it.

It sounds like he wants your lovely expensive car but not to have to shell out anything for it himself!

He's all about himself isn't he OP.

Sell your car and buy what you like.

Just no. Knock this shit on the head or it will just ramp up over time.

He can't afford to buy it off you so his solution is to tantrum so that you keep it to keep the peace. Well that's certainly a cheaper method of making sure he still has access to a VW transporter eh!

Don't even discuss it with him. Sell it and get the car you want. This really is the ONLY way to deal with behaviour like this. You show the bully that they just won't get their way in the relationship by sulking, throwing their weight around and trying to make life difficult.

Not putting up with this will pay dividends next time, when there's another situation which he could choose to deal with by tantrumming OR by talking respectfully with you. He might choose the latter.

He can't afford it - you sell it. Otherwise you are basically sitting there as a junior partner with, as you say, your H taking command of what 'the family' do - even to the extent of controlling your property.

That golf probably also reminds him of his past glory days/boy racer/lost youth days so will actively refuse to sell it in any case. He probably sadly thinks more of that car than he does of you.

Do not let him guilt trip you into keeping the transporter. If he did want it so much too he would sell both that and his clapped out work van and buy this instead. Fact is he does not want to.

The Golf is never going to become a classic car, especially as it’s done over 100k. It’s just an ordinary mass produced piece of metal on wheels. He getting confused between owning an old banger and a true classic car. To be honest, he’s just making stupid excuses in order to get what he wants.

There’s no way on earth my DH would have the final say about what car I buy, even as a family car, because I’m the owner and driver. I always discuss the options with him for feedback and to make sure there’s enough headroom in the passenger seat as he’s quite tall. However, beyond that, it’s completely my decision.

Work out what you want to buy and organise a Trade-in with your Transporter.

Care do need to be a household decision, I would suggest saying that you need to discuss the household vehicle situation - him taking the transporter as his work vehicle could be an option perhaps. One of you needs a family car, which person drives it is down to what works best

Okay. Well then I would amend option b: give him the transporter on the basis that he sells his golf for whatever he can get for it, and give you the money in order to cushion your finances slightly more. Then you buy the car you want.

He is currently suggesting that you're responsible for ensuring there is a family friendly car accessible to the household. But he is jointly responsible for this. So he can make a small sacrifice for the greater good of the family, by giving you the money from the sale of his golf.

I already understand from what you've said that he's not likely to want to do this. That's great! It means he can comfortably wave goodbye to the transporter, happy in the knowledge that he had a perfectly reasonable opportunity to keep it, and that he made his choice.

After that, if he ever, ever, ever tries to suggest that you were selfish to get rid of it, you can always remind him that he could have kept it, but his golf was more important. Then ask him what he's cooking for dinner.

~fin~

Sell the transporter and buy the car you want. But, I would make sure there is one car/van which fits the family needs, whether that's his or yours is the only discussion needed.

Ok he is being selfish... the golf is not near to being a “classic”. If anything, your transporter, depending on the age has more chance of that due to the revival of campervan culture. What year is your transporter?

Also showing my age here but the old golfs were considered a girl’s car back in the day. Why is he so attached to it ? It’s a silly car for a bloke to be holding onto...can you not upgrade to a newer model golf?

I can’t believe am recommending keeping any Volkswagen but there you go

The transporter is a mini bus pretty much I’d not classify it as a car. He just wants to drive it and can’t afford his own. Do what’s right for you but also your family.

My husband has no say in what I drive but I have always made sensible decisions, for example I once fell in love with a classic jag, which was a two seater, but as we have a daughter it wasn’t practical so I didn’t buy it.

I find this odd. We have 2 cars in our family, one is mine and one is DHs, but we both drive DH's mainly (and are debating getting rid of my smaller one as we don't need 2 anymore). But of course we are both involved in discussing what sort of car(s) we need as a family.

You're married, you have joint DCs and a joint dog, surely the cars needed for the family's needs should be a joint decision? Even if you have separate finances, discussing what your family transport needs are should be a joint conversation?

Better questions - does he need a work van? If his van is on it's last legs, does the money need to be found to replace it? If it's a work van, has he looked at buying it through his business?

If he does need a van for work, do you need 2 additional cars as a family for your work transport plus his non-work journeys? Could you not just have 1 family car that you take to work and the van? How big does that family car need to be?

If you 'need' 2 more cars as he can't use the van for non-work trips and regularly needs to do trips while you are using your car, then does one need to be a big transporter type?

Would it be more sensible for you to use the golf for day to day driving to and from work, leave the big transporter (which assume uses more fuel) for when you need to do trips with it loaded up, and he has a car on the drive when he needs to drive something that's not his van and you are out.

You wouldn't make choices about anything else as a family without reference to each other's needs and your DCs needs, so why would the way the family members are transported about the place be any different?