Should your OH have a say in the car you drive?

[Handy123]

I drive a VW transporter (which I bought on my own) as at the time I ran my own business and needed the space. I’m now not doing that business any more and have had a new job for two years now. Husband loves the transporter more than I do (but he has two cars of his own anyway).

I’ve got to the point where I can afford to buy something that I’d like to drive. He keeps going mad whenever I mention it, saying what a great car the VW is for us and our family needs. We’ve two children, a large dog and another baby on the way.

Should I:
a) sell the VW and buy the car I really want?
b) give him the VW and then buy the car I really want (technically I can just about afford to do that)?
c) keep the VW just to keep him happy

Does anyone else’s OH have a big say in what car you drive or is this bordering on controlling behaviour? It sounds so daft but it’s getting me down.

[RandomMess]

I think you need to put your foot down tbh. If he has a van for his business then the needs to sort his business out to but a van for his work needs.

He can't have it all ways and if it will be cheaper and better for you to buy a MPV instead that is your choice.

He wants the VW for his business without paying for it...

[Musti]

OP sell the car and get the practical 7 seater that you need for your family. It's too big and expensive to have as a hobby car. And he's bloody unreasonable to expect you to drive that around just because he likes it. Your circumstances have changed and so you need to change your car.

[madwoman1ntheattic]

Vehicles are a family decision. I don’t really understand how your finances work with him buying it off you/ you buying a new one/ him not being able to afford it etc etc. Surely with three kids you don’t actually have separate finances for this stuff?
Anyhoo - you need to decide as a family what vehicles you need.
I drive a VW Atlas. It’s smooth like butter. Maybe you can compromise if the real contention is that he’s a VW aficionado like dh is....

[Handy123]

@madwoman1ntheattic He doesn't like spending any money, but wants to drive a car that I've paid for, whilst hanging on to two of his own cars? Would you be OK with that?

He might be a VW aficionado, so does this mean I have to drive one?

[TimeWastingButFun]

That said, about us discussing cars, yes we do but he would never push his opinions on me, we definitely make sure we're both happy, especially as it's a big purchase.

[Sailor2009]

No. I pay for my car so I'm the only one who has any say in if/when I buy a new one. He did raise his eyebrows at the cost of my new one but that's about all the input he had.

[IAmReportingYouForBBQing]

We have four kids. Seven years ago I went out and bought a convertible just for fun. Could only Seat two kids in the back but it was my car, impractical or not. I LOVED it. My husband bought a Kia Sedona then so we had both. He has no say in mine, I had no say in his. Two years later I bought a perfectly practical brand new 7 seater fiat 500. He did say that he liked the red, and so did I so I got red. Then last year I fell in love with my sons new golf. Talked myself into a Tiguan r line and paid the deposit to order it. Husband had no input other than saying " can we afford it ". So now I drive a beautiful white to of the line Tiguan and for getting to work he drives a shitty Red corsa that's 16 years old. He does drive mine if we go out etc but it's my car and he would never dream of telling me I am not allowed to do something.

[Osirus]

Well, although technically we chose it together (he asked my opinion), my DH did ultimately choose my car. I was learning to drive at the time and he wanted a safe car to drive our child around in.

I don’t earn much as I’m part time, and he paid for the car (nearly 10k). It’s a big car and has taken some getting used to but I love it now, and it does feel very safe. He made the right decision for me, but I did feel pushed into it at the time. I didn’t feel like I had much of a say as I wasn’t the one paying.

[MrsAvocet]

My DH would never force me to have a car I didn't want but generally does have quite a lot of input into what I drive. But there are good reasons for that - or at least I think so. He knows far more about cars than I do. They've been his hobby all his life, he works in the industry and is very knowledgeable, particularly on all the legislation, safety standards and so on, as that's what his job entails. Yes, I could read up on all that stuff if I wanted to and I am sure I would be perfectly capable of understanding enough, but frankly it bores me and DH can pull together a short list in a fraction of the time that I could. There's no point having a dog and barking yourself!
To be honest, some of the cars I have had in the past and loved are things I wouldn't have even considered had DH not suggested them, because I had preconceptions that were unfounded. He knows a lot about cars and a lot about me, so he is pretty well qualified to comment. I trust his judgement, just as he defers to me in matters where I am more expert.
Also, as he has a company car which he doesn't always get a huge amount of choice over and a classic car which is fun but not terribly practical, my car has to fill some gaps in the family transport arrangements. In particular it needs to be a good tow car. DH does most of our car maintenance too, so its logical to go for marques that he is familiar with and has tools etc for already. He does drive my car a fair bit too, so it needs to suit us both. Equally, when he does get asked what he would like company car wise, he asks for my opinion too as I sometimes drive it and we tend to use it for long journeys unless we are towing a boat or trailer. All in all, we make decisions together as much as possible.
So I don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong with a man having some input into his partner's choice of vehicle, or vice versa, but I do think there is a lot wrong with either partner trying to force the other into decisions that they aren't happy with. This does sound like it is all about his wants and needs and not about yours or the wider family's. I wouldn't find that acceptable. It doesn't sound like he can't change his own vehicles, he just doesn't want to. In those circumstances its unreasonable to expect you to be inconvenienced and to foot the bill for his choices.

[SandyY2K]

My DH has no say in the car I buy and drive and vice versa. That's how I like it.

If a as family you also need a larger vehicle, then that need to be discussed... but it often send to be the woman driving the larger car for ferrying kids and dogs around.

Choose the car you want and buy it. SIMPLE.

[SandyY2K]

but he’s not willing to let me drive the car I want.

That's because you have given him control over you.

It's your vehicle..you bought..you legally own it ... if you guff someone power over you, they'll control you.

There not a single chance that my husband would even dream of doing this...especially as it would be my hard earned cash.

If he was buying it for me.. then he may try and get what he wants.

You need to try and stand up for yourself or he'll continue getting his own way.. while stepping on you in the process.

Why would you even give it to him for nothing in return.

[Dashel]

My DH persuaded me to get rid of a Smart car when I started needing to do a lot of long motorway driving every week, he felt it wasn’t safe enough and I guess it was a lot more fun as a town car.

I get excited about getting a old mini or a 2cv and he is the practical one who goes on about reliability etc, so because I don’t want two cars plus his car, I do always give in and buy something reliable and more modern. But he would be the first to say if you want a classic older car get it for weekend use.

Because he worked in the trade he always vets any car I looked at but I would say it’s a joint decision as is his car. But his is a company car and he gets a generous allowance so it’s our main car and used at weekends by both of us.

In your case I think you need to stand up for yourself more, big decisions need to be joint especially on houses.

[NeverHadANickname]

I have always picked my own cars except the one I drive now because I moved countries so now have one DH used to drive and he got something bigger. I don't work but if I wanted a different car and we could afford it that would be fine, I'm sure DH would offer opinions if I wanted them but I know I would have the final say. As it stands I love my car so I am happy to keep it. This is obviously a bigger issue than decisions about cars though but on this point I say sell yours and get what you want. You are making an entirely practical decision so I really do not see his point. This does not need to be an argument or discussion, you would be doing what you want to do and are entitled to do, he does not need to have any input if you do not want him to and it will not impact family life.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

When choosing a car I do consider the practicalities, although I didn't this time round, but my kids are getting older now.

Sounds like your dh wants his cake and to eat it. But it also sounds like that's the narrative to your entire relationship (if you look at jobs etc).

Tbh I'd not bother giving him an ultimatum, he's already said no to selling his van, so why bother. You've already given him an alternate AND said you'd give him a 17k van. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. Just sell the vw and buy what you want. It's about time he grew up and stopped acting like a petulant child. It's so impractical to drive a van around as your main form of transport, and i did it for a number of years.

[MizMoonshine]

Either he sells up one of his and buys the VW off you or he pipes down. If you were switching to a two seater, I could see an issue. But what you're looking as at makes sense for the family.

[IncrediblySadToo]

but he’s not willing to let me drive the car I want

How exactly is he going to stop you buying the car you want, with your money?

YOU need to STOP

You have separate finances, yet you allow him to dictate moving area (and thus you having to find new jobs) and other things that cost YOU money. I hate to think how much more you pay for the house/children/holidays etc than he does...which is fine in some ways, but not if he's doing other stuff just for himself with his money & not to the point of dictating that you should give him the VW tourer - why should you pay for another van for him? (Especially if he's not even prepared to sell his van & car to pay towards it?

He's taking you for a mug and I'm afraid you need to be smarter with your money or he's going to walk away with much more of it than you when his head is turned or when you've had enough of his shitty behaviour.

[Hopeisnotastrategy]

Stop prevaricating and do what you want. It's not helping, you're just going round in circles.

[Happynow001]

[quote Handy123]@madwoman1ntheattic He doesn't like spending any money, but wants to drive a car that I've paid for, whilst hanging on to two of his own cars? Would you be OK with that?

He might be a VW aficionado, so does this mean I have to drive one?[/quote]
And there you have it OP. Time for you to stick up for yourself, rather than letting yourself be twisted in knots to do what he wants - yet again.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I was right sadly with my initial comment. The power and control balance in your relationship is well off here and largely in his favour.

Buy that practical 7 seater you want and do not allow him to have any part at all in the process.

Please take heed of the comments made by BurtsBeesKnees and IncrediblySadToo.

[4amWitchingHour]

Definitely sell your Transporter and get the car you want. The new car will ACTUALLY meet the family's needs, because that includes your needs too.

A family car is something I would generally say is a joint decision, but with his unwillingness to compromise and you being very sensible, he doesn't get any say in this. He's being a selfish twunt.

[Letseatgrandma]

Buy that practical 7 seater you want and do not allow him to have any part at all in the process

This

Anyone that went mad at me for making a reasonable suggestion, wouldn’t be getting their own way on this.

You’ve only got 2 (nearly 3) kids. You don’t need a van! It must cost a fortune to run. You also don’t need as many cars between you as you seem to have. One each is plenty.

[NoSquirrels]

Send completely mad to have a massive transporter van if a 7-seater would work better for your child-transport needs.

If his work van is on its last legs, and he’s desperate to keep it, surely it would make more sense for him to drive it - but only if he contributes to the purchase of a new family vehicle/the business buys the transporter off you. Otherwise you’re throwing away £000s in value as you need that to exchange for a new, more suitable car.

Families I know with transporter vans either have 4+ children or they have jobs that require the extra van space.

[LannieDuck]

Does he have a reasonable reason for wanting to keep your current minivan? If not, why does he want you to keep it? I don't understand.

[Handy123]

He’s got some sort of obsession for the transporter, which I don’t understand really. But then I don’t understand men and their interest in cars generally When I bought it, he was the one who searched for ages for it (it took us about 9 months to find the right one) and he really likes driving it.

I agree @NoSquirrels when I ran my business it was great, but now it just seems too big and unnecessary.

[Handy123]

Thank you @IncrediblySadToo for making me see this.

Yes, you are right in that I pay for the lion’s share of the family finances children/dog/house etc.

I’ve got to start standing up for myself.