Should your OH have a say in the car you drive?

[Handy123]

I drive a VW transporter (which I bought on my own) as at the time I ran my own business and needed the space. I’m now not doing that business any more and have had a new job for two years now. Husband loves the transporter more than I do (but he has two cars of his own anyway).

I’ve got to the point where I can afford to buy something that I’d like to drive. He keeps going mad whenever I mention it, saying what a great car the VW is for us and our family needs. We’ve two children, a large dog and another baby on the way.

Should I:
a) sell the VW and buy the car I really want?
b) give him the VW and then buy the car I really want (technically I can just about afford to do that)?
c) keep the VW just to keep him happy

Does anyone else’s OH have a big say in what car you drive or is this bordering on controlling behaviour? It sounds so daft but it’s getting me down.

[Annasgirl]

Oh dear OP, as some wise poster said on page 1, this is not about the car (although yes it is the straw that broke the camel's back) it is about his constant abuse of you.

So you have a valuable car and he wants to keep using it but not pay for it ? And to that end he expects you to put aside your needs and that of your family of 2 nearly 3 children (who do NOT need to be driven in an 8 seater van, never mind the environmental waste) to suit his needs.

And then you tell us you always put him first, have moved to suit him twice, have said for everything

Can you see a pattern here?

I hope OP that this is the start of the scales falling. When you are ready, come back to us for support. And try to get counselling IRL for tips on how to deal with him and his temper until you realise that you can do so much better.

[SandyY2K]

Why would you just give him a 19k car and then have to buy another one yourself?
You must keep on letting yourself get used in this marriage and he knows you'll do just what he says.

Time to change the narrative and stand firm.

[SarahBellam]

I choose and buy my own car, and my DP chooses and buys his. He loves coming to look with me though, but that’s because he loves cars and knows a lot about them. It’s like a day out for him! That said, I pick cars suitable for the family needs, and so does he. His is more suitable for longer drives and he uses it mostly for the 60 mile round trip to work, while mine is more practical for a quick trip into town as it’s nippier and easier to park. I’d say look at what you need as a family then sell everything and get something suitable. His crappy van and dodgy Golf are no more suitable than a too big vehicle for you.

[Handy123]

@patientlywaitin could I ask if your children are all in car seats? I’d be really interested to know if they fit in the middle row all together. That’s the issue I’m having; it’s easy having three children across, but if you’ve got two in toddler/ baby seats and one in a high back booster, it’s a bit of a struggle!

Would really love one actually (but would have to buy used) so I’m interested to know if it works for you and your family. Is it the new shape one that I should go for?

[patientlywaitin]

I discussed my car choice with DH as I appreciated his input into whether he agreed it was a good choice etc. If he had a valid reason for not liking my choice I would of taken it on board if he didn't I would of got it.
I got one of the new discovery's for our 3rd DC, you definitely don't need a van if you don't want it. It's a terrible deal just handing over your VW, he gets a 19k var and then you have to sink your savings into a car you want. Trade yours in for sure.

[2Rebecca]

We discuss cars, because they are both "family" cars and we pool our money. We decided we want one estate car as it's handy for holidays and weekends away and 1 smaller more economical car. It's ended up with my husband driving the estate as "his" car but that suits me as I prefer the manoeuvrability of a hatchback and I get to choose the make and model of the hatchback and don't really care about the details of the estate.
If your car is mainly driven by you then get the car you want and he can have the one he wants on his turn. He could sell one or both of his cars and buy one if he likes it that much.

[back2good]

I wouldn't even offer him the 'deal' of him selling his cars and he can have yours. You lose massively with that 'deal'.

Just sell/trade your car in for the car you want. You have made a valid, sensible choice in looking at cars that are more suitable, affordable and economical and you'll be the one paying for it, owning it, and driving it.

Frankly, you've made most of the sacrifices for the family anyway by the sound of it. What's the selfish one done except try to make you pay for everything and ensure you don't get what you want when he does?

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

Sell the VW Transporter, buy the S-Max, dump DH.

[Joebloggsss]

@Interestedwoman OP would need to clarify her husbands salary or finicial situation. From what OP has said that her husband doesn’t like spending money, she also stated that she put a lot of money into the house... there’s a fine line between someone not having any more and someone who doesn’t want to spend their own money. It seems a bit one way 19k is a lot of money I agree.

[Ilovechoc12]

Depends on how old the other children are.

I had a Vw caravelle short wheel base but I could literally roll a double mountain buggy duet in the back without folding it down. So depends if you are getting a big heavy pram as you can just load it in the upright position (makes your life easier ) .

Plus a big dog , plus a weeks shopping I think it might drive you crazy a smaller car.

Also sliding doors are massive bonus.

Also when you go on holiday all your suitcases will fit in the van and 5 people.

Go with your gut feel but I wouldn’t be without a van with all the stuff I carry around (spare clothes) kids school bags etc

Also, carry bikes easily.

X

[Interestedwoman]

Can he really not afford it? Or is he being tight?

@Joebloggsss Over 10 grand or whatever is pretty major. I'm not saying he should have the VW, but I imagine his not being able to afford it is genuine.

[PhoneLock]

Or will it hurt him to 'give up' one of his toys??????

If I understood the OP correctly, one of his "toys" is a van he uses for earning a living.

[wombat1a]

You'll probably hate this answer but your priority is to get rid of his two and replace them with something that can used for both his work and and family time. If he is driving two old bangers which are money pits then it makes no sense for you to get something expensive when it's a far better use of the money to replace the old decrepit stuff first.

An alternative may be to get rid of all three, then get a car for yourself which can take all of you + the dog an a decent works van which can also be used for non-work things too.

[Joebloggsss]

Can he really not afford it? Or is he being tight? Either way you do what you want with your own car!

[wishywashywoowoo70]

I chose my own car. Went to the garage myself sorted it out myself. Test drive move it myself and paid for it myself.
Don't give him your WV. Sell it and choose your own car.

[ellendegeneres]

He sounds financially abusive to me too. In no way would I gift him your vehicle, not when it would pay a big chunk of your new vehicle.

You already say you’ve followed him with moves, pay the substantial amount of bills, why the fuck would you give him your expensive vehicle? He sulks, he gets something handed to him? Nope!

[Whenwillthisbeover]

Completely wrong OP, sell the car and be done. We have shared money, DHs car is a company car which he gets to choose, I drive it sometimes. My car was bought with family money, I choose it, as I have always done, to suit me. This is the first car I have bought that DH wants Putting on the insurance, but it was still all my choice.

[monkeymonkey2010]

sounds to me like he's enjoying having his boys-toys - but leaves the responsibility side of things to you at the expense of your feelings.

If you can afford to have three cars in the family alongside the expenses of bringing up a child, then how about you both go halves on a family car and then have your own car each?

Or will it hurt him to 'give up' one of his toys??????

[StepawayfromtheBiscuittin]

My husband and I had separate finances and separate purchases until I had my second child and went part time so we amalgamated our finances then. Previously they were separate but we earned very similar incomes.
Then one of us had to get a new car to fit our third child and it was the first time I realised I couldn't afford the car we chose. But we did choose it together which was important.
Nothing seems equal about your dilemma. You are bending over backwards to keep your DP happy when it doesn't appear that he would do the same for you. And it will cost you financially.
Good luck OP.

[SharonasCorona]

OP, I do wonder if he is being financially abusive?

I just don't understand why you are giving him a £19k car and buying another one?

How are finances split % wise?

[LannieDuck]

If he just really loves it... then as a family you have 3 cars that he wants (one of which you've paid for!), and none that you want.

He needs to choose which cars he will keep. And if he wants to keep the transporter, he needs to buy it off you for it's resale value (since you have separate finances).

I would find out how much it's worth, and give him 4 weeks (or whatever you think reasonable) to decide whether to buy it off you and finding the funds (e.g. by selling one of his other cars). If he doesn't want to / can't raise the money, go ahead and sell it and buy the car you want. And feel no guilt in doing so.

[LlamaofDrama]

DH and I have 2 cars, technically one is mine and one is his. Both were chosen to do specific jobs, mine does a few short journeys a week and occasional longer ones, quite often have DD with me. I'm short, DH and DD are not. I have a small car with a small engine that's economical. DH commutes a long way on motorways 4 days a week, and we do a lot of self catering holidays with a lot of luggage. He has a big car that's very comfortable for long journeys and is more powerful to make it easier and safer on the bigger roads he drives on. It has lots more toys than mine, but he gets far better value out of then than I would! Both cars were finally selected by the main driver but both of us had input into the decisions.

Our cars are family tools, paid for with family money, so while we call them mine and his, they aren't really. Although I've driven his car 3 times in 18 months, so it's not very much mine!

[BlessedEscape]

OP, what a frustrating read this is!

How much money have you spent over the years facilitating what HE wants????

Sell the Transporter. Buy the car you want.

The people saying cars are joint household decisions do not have a spouse like yours who wants (and gets!) his own way all the time, so please please stop thinking that you have to come to some joint arrangement where he screws you over yet again.

You need to really stop and think about your entire relationship imo because you have been rolling over every single time and are substantially out of pocket whilst he takes advantage yet spends next to nothing himself! Please wise up OP and stop doing what he wants.

Take it to the dealer, get a decent price for it, use the money to buy your desired new car. Easy!

Do NOT offer him the Transporter!!!! That's insane!!!

[RandomMess]

If you have separate finances don't "give" him the transporter that is lunacy.

[RandomMess]

New option - he buys you a new "family car" worth £x and he gets the transporter