Should your OH have a say in the car you drive?

[Handy123]

I drive a VW transporter (which I bought on my own) as at the time I ran my own business and needed the space. I’m now not doing that business any more and have had a new job for two years now. Husband loves the transporter more than I do (but he has two cars of his own anyway).

I’ve got to the point where I can afford to buy something that I’d like to drive. He keeps going mad whenever I mention it, saying what a great car the VW is for us and our family needs. We’ve two children, a large dog and another baby on the way.

Should I:
a) sell the VW and buy the car I really want?
b) give him the VW and then buy the car I really want (technically I can just about afford to do that)?
c) keep the VW just to keep him happy

Does anyone else’s OH have a big say in what car you drive or is this bordering on controlling behaviour? It sounds so daft but it’s getting me down.

[LannieDuck]

If the new car would be fine to transport your family around in (which it sounds like it would), and you can sell your current car to fund it (so financially, very little outlay)... what exactly is your DH upset about?

[user1493413286]

Handy123 I got a bmw 1 series hatchback; it has plenty of space for general day to day travelling about but as soon as I want to go away and take prams, travel cots, general baby stuff there’s not much room especially with two adults in the front. I’m planning on a bmw 3 series hatchback.
Both are older cars so not overly expensive but are nice to drive. I used to drive a Ford fiesta which was perfectly fine and sensible but in no way did I love it or enjoy driving it in the way I do now.

[RantyAnty]

Do you make more than he does?

Wondering why can't afford to buy from you or buy a better work van etc.?

[jontyl]

Come on. You are in a relationship. Give and take. Maybe you make decisions in other areas of your life

[Crackerofdoom]

@jontyl

Come on. You are in a relationship. Give and take. Maybe you make decisions in other areas of your life

Are you the OP's DH by any chance?

[Arrivederla]

@jontyl

Come on. You are in a relationship. Give and take. Maybe you make decisions in other areas of your life

The op has already said that she doesn't get to make decisions in other areas of her life.

[honeylulu]

No. I chose my car and I paid for it myself. Mine is the second car/ runaround, nor because I am a laydee, but because I get the train to work and so drive a lot less.

The bigger car is in my husband's name and we did discuss it because it was going to be the "family car" (an S Max which has been great) and I also paid half the purchase price for that reason and I drive it a fair bit myself.

[SepticTankYank]

I understand what he is saying and on it's own don't find it controlling behaviour. Having a practical and reliable car is a fantastic privilege. I can see why he wouldn't want to get rid of it.

I always buy the car that I want and used to have big practical beasts and this time have a 1 series. It's beautiful. It looks mean and well styled and it fits me perfectly when I sit in it. But fuck me it isn't practical.

Family holiday? Nobody can breathe or move.
Doing any house renovations? Can't fit anything that's bigger than an a4 sheet of paper in.
Need to fit anyone older than 10 in the back seat? Don't bother.

If you do get the car you want just expect there to be moments where you wish you had the transporter.

So to sum up, just get the car that you want but obviously it has to suit your lifestyle.

What car is it that you want???

[SepticTankYank]

Sorry. I thought I had read all responses. Silly me.

Will the S Max cost more than the transporter or will you get money back?

Have you ever spoken to him about his behaviour?

[jayd03]

like you, I bought all of my cars with my own money previous to meeting my oh. I would laugh in oh face if he tried to dictate (or use a temper tantrum to get his way) what car I drive.granted, I can be a petrol head but as long as it can fit the family and he isnt paying for it then he doesnt get to decide. even though its yours do you think that the van he wants you to keep he sees as a reflection of his image to others?

[SepticTankYank]

Sorry. I thought I had read all responses. Silly me.

Will the S Max cost more than the transporter or will you get money back?

Have you ever spoken to him about his behaviour?

[Pebblexox]

My dh has a say in the car I drive, but only because it's his car haha.
But no, you should be able to get the car you want without your dp telling you.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

No my dh doesn't have any say in the car I buy. He might have an opinion if I asked, but ultimately he always tells me to get what I want. I'm currently driving a very impractical car but I love it.

Just do the deal via a dealership and simply come home in your new car.

He can't have it all ways, he can't keep his golf, keep his work van and refuse to buy the VW. Sounds like you are always the one making all the compromises op

[Lonecatwithkitten]

@Handy123 like@user1493413286 my partner is in motoring (racing in his case) he also steered me towards BMW as a brand as they are so reliable and I am out in the night a lot for work, but leaves the actual car up to me.
Currently I have a 2 series Gran Tourer as up until recently I transported a lot of teenagers and I am about to change for an X1 as teenager transport has come to an end and we have moved on to a tiny country lane.
He himself drives a Vauxhall Insignia currently, but is changing to a massive SUV which is coming with a slight change of his job.

[PenelopePitstop49]

Why should he dictate what you get to drive?

Either he coughs up for the transporter or you sell it.

[TimeWastingButFun]

I don't think it's controlling. We have two cars and agreed on them both. Different uses - one's all electric and the other is a big diesel estate for long trips/towing etc. We both drive them both so we needed to agree.

[Techway]

You are correct, very few families have a van. An S Max would be fine and assume you will be able to keep it around the same monetary value.

Ex h was like this with cars and it was a pattern. You chose what car you drive and a van isn't going to be cost effective in a few years.

What is his reaction like to you stating your needs?

[Longdistance]

The day my dh dictates to me what car I drive is the day we divorce.
Get rid of the VW van and get the car you need.
If he’s that bothered he can sell one or both of his.

[Handy123]

I want to be tough on this one, but I'm finding it hard to find a way through.

I like the idea of giving him an ultimatum: if he sells both the Golf and the van, I'll consider giving him the Transporter. If not, then I'll just sell it. Then it's his car to lose, if that makes sense and he'll have made the decision. I'm going to be really out of pocket, though, if I do that as I'm effectively buying him a new (to him) car.

Part of me is annoyed that it always seems to be me taking on the financial hardship (he wants a practical car but he isn't prepared to pay for it).

Do most women just choose their own car and get on with it? Genuinely interested. I think the power balance in our relationship might be wrong...

[Handy123]

@Longdistance I need to be more like you.

[Musti]

I think that if you are together and work as a family then what vehicles you have should be a joint decision taking necessity, finances, jobs etc into account. I drove a big 7 seater for years because I needed it with all the kids, their car seats, prams, bikes etc. Now I drive a small 5 seater which is a lot cheaper to run because I don't need to drive a big bus round.

[Cornishclio]

He has two cars of his own so no he gets no say. Sell the VW and buy the car you want. Give him the option to buy it if he wishes but I would not drive a car I did not like just because my DH said so. What you buy needs to be practical though given you have a large family and a dog.

[Handy123]

@Musti The car that I want to buy is a practical 7 seater. I just don't want to lug a minibus around the supermarket any more.

[Cornishclio]

I think you need to learn how to say no to your DH. If you have moved areas, bought a house and put a lot of money into it and driving a car he wants you to then what compromises has he made? I would be concerned that you are letting him just get his own way and ignore your own wishes and opinions. That is not a good balance in a relationship.

[Cornishclio]

My DH had no say in the car I bought most recently. He did not even come with me. He did encourage me to buy a convertible about 10 years ago (with joint money) and I initially resisted as I thought it was too expensive. I had about 6 years of driving it around until I had to get rid of it as it was impractical with the grandchildren. That was great fun to drive though and he left it to me as to whether I got rid of it or not. By the same token I do not insist having a say on what car he gets.