Should your OH have a say in the car you drive?

[Handy123]

I drive a VW transporter (which I bought on my own) as at the time I ran my own business and needed the space. I’m now not doing that business any more and have had a new job for two years now. Husband loves the transporter more than I do (but he has two cars of his own anyway).

I’ve got to the point where I can afford to buy something that I’d like to drive. He keeps going mad whenever I mention it, saying what a great car the VW is for us and our family needs. We’ve two children, a large dog and another baby on the way.

Should I:
a) sell the VW and buy the car I really want?
b) give him the VW and then buy the car I really want (technically I can just about afford to do that)?
c) keep the VW just to keep him happy

Does anyone else’s OH have a big say in what car you drive or is this bordering on controlling behaviour? It sounds so daft but it’s getting me down.

[safariboot]

The minibus is obviously useful to the family, but of course it's the woman who ends up paying for it all while the man gets to drive what he likes. That's patently unfair.

Idea, money permitting. He buys a half share in the minibus off you, and you agree to split the running costs fairly. If he has to sell his old bangers to do that, so be it.

Then you and him can drive what you want for your own cars.

If he won't agree to that, go ahead and sell the minibus. (But I bet it will still be your car choice and not his that's constrained by needing space for three kids and a dog.)

[TheWomanTheyCallJayne]

Would whatever car you get fit a dog?
I assume he needs the work van, would he be able to sell the other and get a car that would fit the dog?

[Happynow001]

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would sell the transporter van via a car dealer as he can’t buy it. My guess too is that he wants to keep his beloved golf at all costs despite the fact that 3 children and a dog won’t all fit into that either.

What is he like with you day to day?

Yes - this. ^^. Doesn't sound like your husband would in any way tolerate you having any input on his car purchase, judging on your posts, but is being a selfish dog-in-the-manger git on this.

He's not prepared to compromise - he just wants you to do what he wants and he benefits from it not just emotionally but financially too. Stand firm OP. 🌹

[Happynow001]

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would sell the transporter van via a car dealer as he can’t buy it. My guess too is that he wants to keep his beloved golf at all costs despite the fact that 3 children and a dog won’t all fit into that either.

What is he like with you day to day?

Yes - this. ^^. Doesn't sound like your husband would in any way tolerate you having any input on his car purchase, judging on your posts, but is being a selfish dog-in-the-manger git on this.

He's not prepared to compromise - he just wants you to do what he wants and he benefits from it not just emotionally but financially too. Stand firm OP. 🌹

[Happynow001]

Oops sorry for the double post... 😁

[ranoutofquinoaandprosecco]

It's role reversal in our house. I've got a little convertible which I love and DH has the boring family car!

[RaisinGhost]

Well then I would amend option b: give him the transporter on the basis that he sells his golf for whatever he can get for it, and give you the money in order to cushion your finances slightly more. Then you buy the car you want.

This sounds like a good solution. Also sounds like something he wouldn't go for, so off to the car dealer you go.

[mindutopia]

I don’t think anyone should have any input unless they are (a) paying for it, or (b) your having it impedes on their life (you want a two seater but have 2 dc and you getting that car means your dh has to do all the shuttling around of dc.

[RaisinGhost]

In general I would say the answer to your question is yes, oh does get a say. But this only works when both people are being reasonable and both making compromises. He isn't letting you have a say in the cars he has.

[DisgruntledGuineaPig]

I just think this should start a converstion about what cars/vans you actually need as a family.

If you need a van for his work (fine) and car for you to commute to and from work (fine), do you need a 3rd car? Is it regularly the situation where you are using your car and his van isn't suitable or does he not like driving his van other than work?

If you do need a 3rd car, what sort of car should it be? Is the transporter a better 'spare' car than the golf?

Does he really need the van, or if he had a big car (like the transporter) could he get rid of the van? Could he sell both the van and the golf and buy something like a 4X4/pick up truck to fit everything in?

Could you cope with 2 vehicles in your family fine? Can he not just use the van?

If he needs access to the transporter, effectively a 3rd car for him, what is the point of having the golf?

That this is even up for debate shows you aren't a rich enough family to be able to justify running a fleet of cars for your various needs/whims. Time reassess as a family what transport you need. He should have a say in what car you drive, this means you should also have a say in what car(s) he drives too.

[TheWomanTheyCallJayne]

Out of interest, what are you planning on getting?

[Handy123]

@TheWomanTheyCallJayne I’m thinking about a Ford S Max or something similar. I’m not getting a flashy car or anything, but something which is sensible and practical, but feels more like a car to drive. The van is bulky and thirsty, and feels quite unnecessary at times.

I’d also really like 3 isofix points in the back (which the transporter doesn’t have)

[Loveinatimeofcovid]

Surely if you’re married you don’t need to be selling cars to one another? Unless you (as a family) particularly need your car I’d just sell it for something you want.

[GreyishDays]

Smax would fit dog and children though?

[lifestooshort123]

I would also think that sadly he abuses you in other ways as well.
Love it, the barmy army has come out to play.

Your choice of car sounds eminently suitable for your family and I can't see how he can justify you all 'needing' the transporter as opposed to 'wanting' it. Does he have access to funds to update his van if it's needed for work? As a family, get your financial ducks in a row and buy the car that you've decided is best.

[JustCallMeGriffin]

@Handy123 given that you want a S max or similar your DH is on thin ice for an argument. Those cars are perfectly big enough for children and dog!

We decide cars as a family. Because I needed a car that can fit my mother's wheelchair we decided that I'd have the bigger car (C max) and my husband would have the runabout (Jazz).

A joint decision is based on what's fair for everyone, not just one person (my husband had to sell his beloved "classic" to get on board with more family suitable cars).

[Alloverthegrapevine]

We don't have hos n hers cars for exactly this reason we have two cars that's we consider "ours". One is a practical family car and the other is more fun, both chosen together, according to the needs and budget at the time. We drive whichever one suits the journey we're doing on the day or first one out gets to pick.

[Handy123]

I’m so fed up of going round in circles about this now.

I’m kind and considerate of our family needs so I’ve just suggested to him that if he sells his old van, I’ll let him have the transporter. He even went mad at that. It seems he’s more concerned about me spending (my own) money on another car. (I think he’s very worried about a financial crash whereas I try to be more positive than that about the future). But I’m secretly wondering whether he’s just using this as an excuse to get what he wants.

This sounds such a daft thing but I’m annoyed that he always seems to get his own way. He’s very good at making me feel guilty for making the decisions that I want to, so I just end up giving in to him and then feeling resentful.

[GingerBeverage]

he always seems to get his own way


Do you have other examples? If there's a pattern you can identify you can start to work on your defences against it.

[Handy123]

Yes - I’ve moved areas twice (including jobs each time) to be with him and he’s never done the same for me. We’re living in a house of his choosing (which I’ve put a lot of money into BTW). There has been a bit of past form for this.

I think this is why something which seems so daft as a choice of car really grates- I’ve done so much to accommodate his choices, but he’s not willing to let me drive the car I want.

[user1493413286]

My DH works in the car industry so he did give me a lot of advice and he did point out that I needed something big enough for our DC but in the end it was my decision. I do actually regret getting something smaller than he suggested though as it’s not really big enough now we’ve got a second DC and i’m going to need to sell it to get something bigger.
If it’s your car (and your money) then it’s your decision but it’s fair for him to point out that you need something big enough if it’s essentially the car you use as a family

[Handy123]

@user1493413286 do you mind me asking what you initially bought and are now considering to get?

I think the reason I feel annoyed is that I feel that I’ve picked a sensible family car - I’m sure there are families with 3 children and a dog out there who drive cars other than minibuses/ vans! Not all of them are Transporter drivers surely?!

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

@Handy123

I’m so fed up of going round in circles about this now.

I’m kind and considerate of our family needs so I’ve just suggested to him that if he sells his old van, I’ll let him have the transporter. He even went mad at that. It seems he’s more concerned about me spending (my own) money on another car. (I think he’s very worried about a financial crash whereas I try to be more positive than that about the future). But I’m secretly wondering whether he’s just using this as an excuse to get what he wants.

This sounds such a daft thing but I’m annoyed that he always seems to get his own way. He’s very good at making me feel guilty for making the decisions that I want to, so I just end up giving in to him and then feeling resentful.

Well there you go! This option gives him exactly what he wants and exactly what he thinks the family needs. Offer this to him again, very confidently and calmly telling him it's his last chance to take you up on the offer before you sell the transporter. If he doesn't want to, that's HIS choice. He would have chosen his can over the transporter, not you.

Obviously he'll be pissed off about this. But who cares. The cracks are already starting to show and you seem to be clocking on to the fact that he's selfish and controlling on some level. So you're going to have to get used to doing things for you sooner or later, and the sooner the better. Offer the transporter in exchange for the cost of the van, and if he doesn't want to do that then buy the new car. You would be the reasonable one at the end of all of that.

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

I meant van, not can, but hey, it sounds like it's a can anyway

[FranklySonImTheGaffer]

If your finances are separate and your new car would be suitable for the whole family (for days out etc), I would just tell him you're selling your VW and go ahead and do it.

If finances were joint, you'd be planning cars together, getting what you need between you but as this isn't the way things work for you, I think you need to be selfish (as he is being)!
Wanting a 'classic' car that the family can't fit in is a luxury you only get once you have a vehicle each that you both need and like, not in place of a family car!

Also, I disagree with giving him the option of selling one of his older, much cheaper vehicles and being given a £19k VW. In a relationship with separate finances you will be essentially making yourself £17k worse off.

Would also be interested to know if he contributes to the running costs of the VW (insurance, fuel, mot, repairs)?