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Original poster

How long would you wait for a proposal?

140 replies

wontletmeout · 02/05/2020 00:27

Never really thought I'd be in this position but here we are.

How long would you wait for a proposal before deciding to either propose yourself or leave?

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/05/2020 00:37

I'd have to have a lot more detail before I felt equipped to answer your question. I don't know about your situation.

My own experience is that I've been engaged three times but only married once. Luckily I realised I was making a mistake with the other two before we started wedding plans. In each case they proposed within a couple of years. I think a man who's really smitten and wants a future with you is likely to propose fairly soon.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/05/2020 00:43

No more than 2 years unless we were early twenties when we met. Or long distance for a while or some other unusual circumstance

IMHO 2 years is enough time to know if you want to marry someone. But I have noticed that men seem unwilling to break things off because it suits them to have a partner. This to me is cowardly and dishonest and completely unfair to the other person.

Pelleas · 02/05/2020 00:45

I didn't wait - my husband and I talked openly about marriage and agreed to get married when the time was right (after about two years together). I must confess I don't get the whole flamboyant proposal thing, especially when couples have agreed to get married but the woman is still waiting around for 'the proposal'. Just ask him if he wants to get married. If he doesn't and it's a must for you, the longer you hang round waiting, the more of your life is being wasted.

BookSkark · 02/05/2020 00:46

10 years in our case. But never doubted the commitment, just we had stuff going on (mostly house and job moves) that meant it wasn't the right time for either of us. We met at uni though, hence all the stuff that followed, would probably be different if we'd been older.

BackforGood · 02/05/2020 00:55

I was going to post exactly the same as Pelleas.

To me, marriage is a huge, life decision, and one to be taken equally, as a joint decision between two people. If a "proposal" comes as a complete surprise - as in some romantic film- then you probably aren't ready to commit to such a relationship. Equally, no-one should be "waiting around" for 'a proposal'. When you are in a committed relationship, then these things come up in conversation - how you feel about things like marriage, like having dc, like your thoughts on how people bring up dc, in the same way you'd have discussed other 'big decision' like property ownership or your attitude to money, or your political leanings or your music tastes or what you feel about religion or your work ethic or long term plans for career or dreams and wishes for the future.

SandyY2K · 02/05/2020 01:05

Depends on age and how long the relationship had been so fa.

When I was in my mid to late 20s, if I didn't see that my BF was thinking about marriage or that he wasn't who I saw a future with... I just ended the relationship.

With age and wisdom, I would advise that you make sure as best as you can, that the man ticks your boxes for what you want in a husband and lifelong partner.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2020 01:20

Depends on the circs surely.

21, both living back home after uni and establishing careers, saving for a house VS 30,living together and wanting children VS 38,existing children and no more planned, not yet living together VS 70, new love etc

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 02/05/2020 01:49

Depends on your age and where you are in life. I got married shortly after I graduated to a guy I met at university. Tragically he died in a workplace accident when we were quite young. It took me a long time after that to even think about getting married again , I had a young family to bring up , and then I took my time. I would take the initiative and raise the subject of marriage and kids if you feel you’ve waited long enough.

BlueBooby · 02/05/2020 02:04

To me, marriage is a huge, life decision, and one to be taken equally, as a joint decision between two people.

I'm not married and never have been, but this is how I feel about it too. I think important decisions like marriage should be an open conversation rather than waiting on "a proposal".

MarylandMayhem · 02/05/2020 02:24

After 2 years together we discussed marriage and decided to go for it.

dramalessllama · 02/05/2020 02:24

As PPs have all said, it depends...

Have you both talked about marriage? And how long has it been since? if it occurred)

managedmis · 02/05/2020 02:55

Depends on both financial positions, if you want kids, your relationship expectations.

daydreamdaisy · 02/05/2020 03:31

Massively depends on the relationship as others have said. I met DH mid twenties and we got engaged having been together two years - had discussed prior to that that we wanted to get married etc (important)
But for me personally I very much wanted to start trying for babies with him ASAP as we both had known possible fertility issues. This turned out to have been a wise choice.
So for me two years would have been when I started to get antsy and check the next leap year!

DramaAlpaca · 02/05/2020 03:38

We got engaged after 11 months and married 16 months after that. We knew almost immediately after getting together we'd get married, but tested the waters by living together for a while before getting engaged. We were mid-20s. If I hadn't known it was going somewhere I'd not have hung around. I'd learned my lesson from a previous five year relationship that took too long to fizzle out.

AlternativePerspective · 02/05/2020 04:16

We discussed marriage after about two years. There was no proposal as such it was something we talked about together and then discussed with my DS who was twelve at the time because it would impact on him as much as anything. He even wanted to come with us to find a ring so he did.

However,the intention was that we would move in together as soon as was possible so e.g. when I could get a job and he could get a job here but five years on I’ve had serious health problems which have meant I was unable to work and his job is very niche so a move hasn’t been possible for him.

So now I think we realistically will probably never get married or perhaps even live together.

But it very much depends on your situation,and where you’re at in life, and to a large extent how important marriage is to you and why.

BradleyPooper · 02/05/2020 04:25

If the relationship is solid enough that you would accept a proposal, why would you leave if you don't get one?

Equally, I don't think we're in the 1800s any more where someone has to wait for a proposal from their other half .... surely these days it's a joint decision?

RRocket · 02/05/2020 04:31

8 years over here.

Honeybee85 · 02/05/2020 04:35

If you're over 30, eager to start a family and it's a serious relationship for both of you, I would wait 2 years max.

It's different when you're in your 20's and not thinking so much about the future.

sneeuw · 02/05/2020 05:06

Actively waiting or how long the relationship was before engagement?

If the second, it depends on age, circumstances etc.

If the first, I wouldn't. I'd discuss it with him. If it can't be discussed, at least one of you isn't ready for it. Then make your decision whether to hang around and wait, accepting it could be never, or don't and end things.

Life is really to short to be in a relationship with someone who isn't actively wanting to be with you in the same way.

And marriage doesn't offer you a better relationship, or relationship security. It only offers you a sort of financial security if you're looking at having kids (in case you split up).

TorchesTorches · 02/05/2020 05:18

With my 3 more serious boyfriends the future of the relationship has been discussed at about the year mark. With 2 of them I knew I didn't want ultimately to be married to them, we ended up splitting up as I was less serious than they were in each case. With my now DH, I knew I would want to be married to him and said that was what I wanted. He proposed 6 month later. We were both mid 30s.

Your age s, life stage, length of relationship and respective feelings about both a) marriage in general and b) marriage to the other person, are all relevant.

VettiyaIruken · 02/05/2020 05:23

I wouldn't. As pp said, marriage is something you discuss and agree then do.
However, if proposal is your preference, I suppose maybe after a year or two of being in a serious, commited relationship sounds reasonable timescale

CoBell · 02/05/2020 05:26

10 years here. Got together when we were 16 and 19 though so had other things we wanted to do first - finish uni, getting our own place and stuff. Always knew we both wanted to get married and married on our 11 year anniversary so I don’t think there is ever a ‘right’ time to wait. All depends on your relationship and both your views on marriage. Have the conversation and see if it’s what you both ultimately want and make sure you’re on the same page. Smile

SpareASquare · 02/05/2020 05:33

Honestly, the whole ‘proposal’ thing sounds juvenile to me. Especially if you live together and even more so if you have children.

Surely marriage has been discussed?

Gettingo · 02/05/2020 05:35

I wouldn't wait a single hour. If I wanted to get married, I'd just say so.

RantyAnty · 02/05/2020 06:01

I think intentions should be discussed fairly soon like shortly after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend.
If you are becoming exclusive as you're looking for marriage and children eventually, there should be a discussion.
Just to be sure you're both seeing each other for similar reasons.

Possibly at the 1 to 2 year mark to get engaged.

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