How long would you wait for a proposal?

[wontletmeout]

Never really thought I'd be in this position but here we are.

How long would you wait for a proposal before deciding to either propose yourself or leave?

Me asking my now husband if he wanted to get married one day on our first date was fine. You asking the same after years is not.

Say to him, will you marry me?
Or ask him what his thoughts are on marriage and does he definitely not want to marry, ever.

Realise he is not the only man in the world. Lots of us have thought this man is worth having to sacrifice something else in life. LMTY very few men really are worth it.

I have a friend who sacrificed kids to stay married to the man she thought she'd have a family with. He said he didn't want kids. She chose him. She'll never forgive him and he regrets it now.

Don't be making a big mistake.

Got together at work I was 28 him 25 he mentioned marriage 3 months in moved in 6 months after got together he proposed a year after first date married the year after that. But we are both “doers” - we do not hang about or faff

I do think its massively important to be in the driving seat here.

Don't give him the power to decide what happens to your happiness and reproductive life. Ask him what to do. If he doesn't step up, tell him you need to move on.

This may not immediately have the exact effect you want. He may faff or give you an answer you don't want to hear. But what it will do is convince both of you: you and him, that you are active and are not sitting around waiting for him to do all the work.

As soon as you allow a man the power of deciding what happens to these two such hugely important parts of your life two things happen. You lose respect for yourself at some level and lose your agency. And he subliminally loses respect for you. He may convince himself he's "old fashioned" and wants to be the one to propose. But deep down no-one respects someone who allows another person dictate the pace of their life.

Take control of this. You may initially trigger something you didn't want. It may turn out he really doesn't want to get married. Or, more likely, he will faff like a rabbit in the headlights and run to his man cave for days to sort himself out before deciding.

Either way, you have given yourself back the power and freed yourself from having to rely on someone else to dictate the pace of this decision. You will feel so much better.

deep down no-one respects someone who allows another person dictate the pace of their life.

THIS. @wontletmeout take note...

thepeople is spot on here, wont. Why are you giving away all your power? Do YOU want children? If so, why are you wasting time with someone who's '99% certain' you won't have children together? Love is respect, and if you don't love and respect yourself first, then I can guarantee no one else will, either. You'll end up being shacked up with this guy, playing the role of a spouse, for him to walk away when you're 45 to marry a younger model in record time and become Mr Family Man. I've seen this happen more times than I can count because so many women equated 'love' with everything being a sacrifice on their own part to keep this man they 'loved' with them instead of loving themselves and having respect for their own life goals and walking away from someone who wasn't on the same page - because that means you're incompatible and no, 'love' does not conquer all.

There's a couple of people here assuming that it's him that doesn't want children. It's not. It's me.

But occasionally I have a moment where broodiness takes hold of me and I think "maybe". Hence 99%.

Well, that's it done. He's not ready. There's a bit more (well quite a lot) backstory than I've given here but the long and short of it is that he's not ready to give me what I want.

So that's it then. Feeling very numb, very strange, but glad I've finally taken control of my own life and wondering why the hell it took me so long. All the time I just assumed he had the same thoughts as me. Crazy.

Sorry to hear that op. I guess that the positive is that at least you know where you stand.

Did he give you any reason for him "not being ready"? Or for letting a relationship drift on for so long if he wasn't interested in making it permanent?

2 years max, if either of you are not showing signs of wanting to get married by then, chances are you’ll never will.

I started talking about this with a psychologist in a party, she said it was due to those hormones that get a couple together starting to wear off after that period.

Well done for taking control of the situation OP. I'm sorry it didn't pan out the way you had hoped. But at least you know now.

SO sorry, looks like he was always treading water with you.

Control of your own life is good!

Sorry to hear this OP. At least you know now. Hopefully the next person you meet will be on the same page as you a bit earlier.

Sorry OP. Best to get your life in order and wall away if you want marriage and kids.

Good luck

• walk not wall

Well done for having the conversation OP. How are you feeling about his response?

By the way, feeling a bit ambivalent about having kids is perfectly normal. I didnt want them either, but still had episodes of very intense broodiness where I questioned the hell out of that decision. I'm 40 now, no kids, and feeling more certain than ever that it's the right thing for me. Trust yourself