How long would you wait for a proposal?

[wontletmeout]

Never really thought I'd be in this position but here we are.

How long would you wait for a proposal before deciding to either propose yourself or leave?

Also, you seem very passive about a 6 year relationship, what do you mean you never thought you would be in this position but here you are - do you not have agency and a mind of your own?????

having a conversation which will undoubtedly end in pie in the sky promises

It's up to you to control the conversation, then, surely?

"What do you think about getting married?"
"Yes, it would be nice some day."
"I'd like to get married by the end of next year at the latest, so can we agree on a date?"

If your partner is evasive and won't commit then it shows they don't really want to get married, so either you accept that or you end things and start looking for someone else who is genuinely seeking marriage. It's as simple as that. Mind games and attempts at psychological manipulation are madness when you're dealing with something as serious as a lifetime commitment.

If I'd been planning to marry someone and they suddenly started playing games and distancing themselves, I would run for the hills!

I’d never propose myself. I would give him 12 months if he's not been married before. 18 months if he's divorced. Then I would do a slow fade and see if he steps up. Book a holiday with the girls, not answer calls and generally be very difficult to get hold of.

Ignore this complete and utter nonsense, OP.

Instead of playing ridiculous manipulative games, have an honest adult conversation with your partner about marriage and your futures and mutually agree on a sensible pragmatic way forward which works for both of you. Sitting around waiting for a man to propose to you sounds like the plot of a silly film rather than real life in the 21st century.

@crystalalligator

Cheers for the concern hun 😉

I would think carefully about what you do here. I was with my DH for about 8 years, we had talked about marriage numerous times and he just 'wasn't ready'. We owned a home together at that point and were planning a family but this still wasn't enough.

I didn't give an ultimatum as such but I pushed for marriage because it was what I really wanted. I eventually won him round and he agreed to get married (no proposal) which we did.

That marriage lasted 18 months. I think I was so blinded by wanting to 'get married' and by the years that I had invested in that relationship that I didn't stop to really think about why he didn't seem to want to marry me. For his part I think he was steamrollered into marrying me and did it to please me and his family, without really thinking about whether it was what he wanted. Which it wasn't. This all became apparent not long after the wedding and I left him in the end.

I met my now DH and he proposed after two years, we married 8 months later and now have three children. It was all just so much easier, there was no angst or waiting and wondering because it was right. And the first time it wasn't.

Food for thought maybe?

This is how it went down in our house:

'Hmm been thinking we should probably finally get married now DD is here. What do you think?'
'Yes, I think you're right. I'll call registrars on Monday and see when we can book?'
'OK.'

And DH rang them on the Monday and booked a date, and we got married in December.

Do you want a proposal or a marriage? Is a big wedding important to you? Is it important to your partner? Why can't you ask him?

Each couple is different so it’s no good comparing yourself to others. Having said that, I concur with pp. if you haven’t at least had a serious conversation within the first few years about what you both want in life re kids and marriage, it seems highly unlikely he intends to ever ask you.

The “waiting for a proposal” bollocks makes my head hurt.

*@Inconnu . Not with marriage!

. The whole idea of proposal is weird really, waiting for the man to decide a monumental decision for both of you, in the meantime you've got to wait until he decides...

He isn't deciding. A woman can say no

@SunshineCake yes, but you've got to wait for him to ask? I know I'm being a bit difficult, but come on, with modern eyes it reeks of misogyny. It's at the whim of the man, it's seen as somehow "needy" if a woman wants to ask, but it's romantic if a man does?

Well it is time it changed. I'm bringing my children to that they are are equal to their opposite sex siblings and the contents of their pants doesn't stop them doing anything. Apart from the obvious for the benefit of any hard of thinking or obtuse posters.

Well absolutely. I mean I don't fundamentally have an issue with proposing generally, take a punt see if they'll have you (man or woman!) but waiting for a man to propose is ridiculous. And when it's a long term relationship it probably shouldn't be a question that's "popped" but discussed, 6 years is time for a discussion!

I'm a relationship coach
🤣🤣🤣

No, you’re not.

I'm a relationship coach
🤣🤣🤣

No, you’re not.

But she played one on TV

I made clear to my boyfriend that I wanted to be married. That sooner or later I'd be off because it was part of my life plan. I wanted children and I wanted to be married first.

I got a ring for Christmas. He never actually proposed, but we did marry and are still married and happy (with two children) 20 years later.

I think he would have happily lived together forever and not married but he knew it was a dealbreaker for me, and I am important enough to him to make that compromise.

So I never got a proposal. I was a bit miffed at the time but now .... it's all good. I've seen lots of friends who married after us with big statement proposals and showy weddings get divorced after a few years. The show isn't what is really important.

I wouldn’t have waited six years. Are you quite young? Perhaps that would change things. We spoke about marriage right from the start, it was “the plan”. Around our 4 year anniversary I told him I was ready to get married and he said he was too.. then around six months later he proposed. I didn’t know he was going to propose on the day but I had known for years that it I was coming.

What discussions have you had in the last 6 years? You must have known other people get hitched in that time, seen weddings on tv, talked about your futures?

We knew quite quickly, had a chat while waiting for a takeaway one night, booked it the next day, got married a couple of months later. Same as buying a house, having a baby. Big decisions require grown up talking.

I was 26 when we got together so not particularly young, but marriage wasn't really on my radar then.

We've had the conversation about children, it is 99% that we won't have any together.

I'm going to just ask him outright, does he want to get married one day or not. I don't know if it's a deal breaker for me or not. I always assumed we would, because it's what people do. But I find it hard to elaborate why. I just love him and I want him to be my husband, I don't want anyone else, and I want to grow old with him.

I'm going to just ask him outright, does he want to get married one day or not.

That won't cut it though. As pp said he'll give you pie in the sky promises to shut you up.

You really need to figure out what you want in life before it's too late.

I think you can say that if you aren’t married by whatever date you wouldn’t want to continue in the relationship - if that’s the case ..

Dh and I started dating when I was 39 and I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, it helped that we were friends first and I told him very early on that I was looking for marriage and he agreed, he proposed 10 months after our 1st date

I was 21 when I got together with DH.

The first year was mainly long distance.
Second year we dated
Third year we moved in together
Middle of 4th year he proposed
Just after 5 years we got married.

If I was over 30 I would expect a conversation about where it was going after 2 years and proposal after 3.

I completely agree, Annasgirl. I wouldn't waste time with a future faker.
DH and I were like Parker. We discussed it early and agree together to marry after 1 year and booked a date. 'Engagement' is meaningless with no wedding date set. I have a lot of friends who fell for that, it's just a stalling tactic for some people. Far too many people also fall for the fallacy of sunken costs.

My OH proposed after 14 years, and only because we had an ooopsy. Otherwise we’d have not bothered.

When I was 28 and another relationship ended badly, I decided I was going to spend 6 months just looking after me and making myself happy and was not getting involved with a man. It worked out really well.

About 8 months later, at 29, I met DH. I was sure I was not rushing into anything. He asked me to marry him a week later and I told him not to be ridiculous. He was adamant we would get married. He asked me again a few months later and I said no again (I wanted to say yes but was trying to take things slowly). He asked me again a couple of months later and I said yes and we got married quite quickly and spent the first 4 years afterwards just enjoying being together.

10 years since we got married with 3 DC 5 and under and us both 40, we are really happy and I've never had any doubts (apart from 10 days of raging pregnancy hormones when I was ready to divorce him for breathing).

He had also had a bad relationship and spent time getting over it. I think it was a big risk for him proposing and for me saying yes but we were just both ready to take it, despite having known each other quite a short time. If we had met earlier it would have been a disaster - he was just daft in his early 20s and grew up about 25. He would have messed me about and driven me mad and I'd have dumped him. But by the time we met he had grown up, knew what he wanted in life and I had finished with choosing pathetic men. We were just both in the right place in our lives, both ready to make a commitment and we met and fell in love and have built something really good.