How long would you wait for a proposal?

[wontletmeout]

Never really thought I'd be in this position but here we are.

How long would you wait for a proposal before deciding to either propose yourself or leave?

I'm a relationship coach and this is needed rarely but in the event it is, it works 90 Percent if the time

I’m seriously hoping you’re not a relationship coach. Who the hell recommends manipulation and game playing?

Op, have an honest conversation with him, ask his views on marriage and how he sees the future. Then make your decision based on his answers.

Don’t pressurise him or play silly made up games, just have an honest no pressure conversation at the right time, to understand his position on this.

To be honest, I’m surprised you have both not discussed this before if you’ve been together six years.

Similar to CoBell, my husband and I were 21 and 18 when we started going out, we got married after 12 years, in that time we’d gone travelling, moved house and cities 4 times for uni/jobs. We spoke rarely about getting married , we just both knew we would, when he asked me, I was so surprised, I just didn’t expect it, I started laughing, we were both giggling like kids! I think age had a lot to do with it. If you were older when you got together, I think there are expectations that it should happen sooner rather then later. Personally I think putting timelines on something like ‘oh it should be 2 years’ is silly. Every relationship is different.

I think lockdown is a relationship coach from a sex and the city episode in the 90s.

Almost 4 years. It was the right time but I was getting twitchy!

It all depends on your age and circumstances though. Are you living together? Own a house? Dc? Plans for dc? Financially secure?

I wouldn't wait. If I wanted to get married I would discuss it, which is what happened. The whole idea of proposal is weird really, waiting for the man to decide a monumental decision for both of you, in the meantime you've got to wait until he decides you're a keeper...it's a bit ick really. So if you want to get married I'd discuss it with him and see if he's on the same page, I think it's just about having a bit of self respect.

@Meadows20 it's not manipulation. It's moving on with your life when you're not getting what you want. Men shouldn't be allowed to waste years of women's beauty and youth 'trying them out'. So many examples of this on here. Lots of unhappiness and time wasted. Ladies that work with me get engaged within the year and have men that value them. Strict but successful.

DH didn’t propose. Getting married was a joint decision and we discussed it and what we wanted from our lives together. We didn’t get engaged. We jointly decided we wanted to get married, told family and friends and booked the day.

To the person asking, no my name isn't a reference to our relationship it's a lyric from the Akon song Locked Up! (IE lockdown!)

I think you're all right, we just need a frank conversation. He is very much a "live in the now" person and I'm a planner. It works well in most areas of our lives as we balance each other out, I'll be the one thinking about pensions and he'll be the one doing something fun and spontaneous. I'll be thinking about my next career move, and he's been at the same place for 12 years. But on the marriage front I think we'll probably drift along forever if I just wait for him to bring it up.

@lockdownlockdown

Suggesting to ghost someone without an explanation at to why is not manipulation? Ok then 🤔

By all means, if you've seen it work, great...I'd be interested to see how many of those couples are still together 5, 10 or 15 years later though.

I've found having a conversation helps...you know, when two grown adults sit and chat about what they both want in life and mutually agree or not, and move on...but you know, that must be crazy talk?! Each to there own I guess.

Just over 10 years I waited however we started dating in my late teens so relatively normal I think.

It also meant when we did get engaged we were in a position to move ahead with the wedding fairly quickly (2 years to get married from engagement but that was because of my FIL getting married in the meantime and we wanted to ensure people didn't feel too burdened with 2 family weddings in 1 year)

Also meant i was stable enough in my career that I was comfortable asking for 5 weeks off for the wedding and a long honeymoon.

I'd never propose myself. I would give him 12 months if he's not been married before. 18 months if he's divorced. Then I would do a slow fade and see if he steps up. Book a holiday with the girls, not answer calls and generally be very difficult to get hold of. If he didn't I'd say we want different things and end it.

On the other hand, some of prefer to be grownups instead of playing childish games...

Seriously, these kinds of threads are so depressing. It's like something from a Jane Austen novel. FFS, it's 2020.

From what I've learned, the hard way:

-I wouldn't get married or even consider it before 25.
-Have an idea of what you want in a man beforehand.
-If you get any suspicions that he is reluctant to marry after 2 years together and you are over 25, think about ending it.
-Marriage needs to be a welcomed discussion, not an elephant in the room.
-Never have kids before marriage (I did so he has never married me, what's the point now?! He will say)
-If things aren't good enough for marriage, after 2 years, then they're not good enough for you to stay together either.
-Get to know a man inside and out prior to even thinking about marriage. Date for a year, move in together after 1 year, see what he's like to live with. If there are masses if things that he needs to 'change' for you to be happy in a marriage with him, leave.

Me and my husband were together 7 years before getting married. There was no proposal we just agreed to get married. I never considered it waiting as I loved him and it's just not something we spoke about until later down the line. I guess it depends on your age and circumstances but we met when I was 19 and were more interested in having good holidays and buying a home together than getting married initially.

Then I would do a slow fade and see if he steps up. Book a holiday with the girls, not answer calls and generally be very difficult to get hold of.

Or you could just say: 'I'd like us to get married - what do you think?"

Why on earth would anyone play those sorts of games?

10 and a bit years but that was the scenario we were in. Met at 16, did 2 years of college, 3 years at separate unis. Got jobs and spent 2 and a bit years saving up and climbing career ladder and bought our first place. When we bought our house we knew that was us deciding to marry one day but we had other things we wanted to do first. We felt through saving for so long for a house, we had missed out on travelling which our friends had done, so we spent 2 years travelling, 5 times a year heading abroad to see the world. Then we got engaged. If we had been 35 when we met then of course we wouldnt have waited so long

Meadows20

In a relationship for over 6 years, two house purchases, have a joint account together and currently 35 weeks pregnant...still waiting 😂 however, we've discussed marriage which is the key point.

Like other PPs have said, really need a bit more info. My OH wants us to get married but 1. It's a lot of money 2. Our families are huge 3. He's a nervous person and worries that he'll 'propose wrong’

Oh honey... I’d dump him for having such a dim view of your intelligence that he’s confident he can string you along with this nonsense and you’ll buy it.

Discussing marriage isn’t the key point, it’s meaningless: signing the marriage register in the presence of someone legally qualified to marry you is the key point.

1. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. We married for under £500.

1. Your families will always be huge. You can elope.

1. He’s managed to knock you up and have a live-in pretend wife while simultaneously getting you to believe it’s because he’s just nervous... a guy who wants to marry you will marry you. He’ll make his intentions clear via a discussion and booking the ceremony if he’s worried about cocking up the proposal. No man on the planet puts off marrying a woman he doesn’t want to lose because he’s scared she won’t be thrilled with the exact way he asks her.

But now you’re pregnant :( so he has absolutely zero reason to marry you: you’ve shown him you’re perfectly happy to be live in boyfriend and girlfriend while also taking the physical and career risk of bearing his child.

Please don’t go part time or prioritise your career less than his, and make sure baby has your surname. And have a think about what you want from your life, if you don’t want marriage that’s perfectly acceptable, in fact your actions scream that you’re happy remaining unmarried. But if you do, why haven’t you honoured that and instead have allowed the relationship to be on his terms?

OP: lots of factors to consider, but as PP have said, if a man wants to marry you he’ll have you down the aisle with a ring on your finger, guys who are smitten will crack on as soon as they get wind that a proposal would be accepted because they know they have a good thing going on and don’t want to risk losing her. Lazy complacent men and ones who see you as girlfriend material only won’t bother.

I’d probably wait three years if I knew we were actively working towards getting married. We did get engaged at three and married six weeks later, we waited to get engaged when we were absolutely ready to marry so we got engaged on the Sunday and booked the ceremony on the Monday. We were pregnant and felt it was important to get married before baby arrived. We TTC with the mutual understanding that was the plan.

I never get the ultimatum re marriage proposals. If you love the trust the person enough to want to make lifetime vows with why would you walk away and find another person to marry?

I don’t like the whole big proposal thing though by men and believe it should be done via conversations between both adults. If you can’t talk about the serious subjects then little point in getting married. It’s like travelling back in time.

Game playing is what teenagers do not adults wanting to make a serious commitment.

I think social media doesn’t help, having an adult conversation doesn’t really make for the OTT posts or pictures.

I never get the ultimatum re marriage proposals. If you love the trust the person enough to want to make lifetime vows with why would you walk away and find another person to marry?

Marriage is important legally and to many people emotionally. Lots of people don’t want to set up a life together and produce new humans with someone who has no more serious legal standing to them than a roommate.

You could just as easily turn it around I guess. If you love and trust the person enough to want to be together for good why not marry?’

“I'd never propose myself. I would give him 12 months if he's not been married before. 18 months if he's divorced. Then I would do a slow fade and see if he steps up. Book a holiday with the girls, not answer calls and generally be very difficult to get hold of. If he didn't I'd say we want different things and end it.”

Meanwhile, in the grown up world, couples talk to each other like the adults they are instead of playing needless games. Who has the time and energy for that?!

@Harakeke who has time? It's a lot quicker than waiting decades for a marriage proposal or having a conversation which will undoubtedly end in pie in the sky promises like a poster up thread who actually believes her long term partner, who she has children with but has failed to propose because he's 'scared' of getting it wrong. Men respond to actions much better than words. Show him he's dispensable. Show him you value your time and he'll step up or he'll step out and leave room for a better man.

Show him he's dispensable

Why would you want the man you love to think that you view him as dispensable? Don't most people want to feel valued?

What qualifications do you have to go around charging people for this shit advice?

There never was a proposal here. After about a year and a half we started discussing it as we were both mid thirties. 2 years in we agreed to get married and were engaged.

I think it depends on your age really. Those I know who got together after 30 tended to get engaged pretty quickly. After two years I would certainly expect to have at least discussed it and possible time frames. A friend of mine has been with her boyfriend 3 years and is getting fed up as he keeps saying he will at some point. I think she is prepared to wait maybe six months more and then she will walk away

Show him he's dispensable.

Yes, because the sort of person who doesn't need you in their life is just the person you'd want to marry.

@lockdownlowdown you sound like a trashy Cosmo article from the 2000s.

I read a great article with Sheryl Sandberg - she said if a woman wants marriage, she should discuss it straight up and early. She is getting married, for the second time, after the death of her first husband, and did not wait around for a proposal.