How long would you wait for a proposal?

[wontletmeout]

Never really thought I'd be in this position but here we are.

How long would you wait for a proposal before deciding to either propose yourself or leave?

When a man wants you, they make it very clear, irrespective of a forthcoming proposal

2 years

I would never propose myself

I never understand people who get 'engaged' with no plan organised to get married. My dc got engaged in the morning and by the end of the first week had decided where they wanted to get married, agreed budget and provisional date for following year.

Engagement is intent to get married otherwise it is meaningless.

I agree with other posters, it depends on your situation and you need to have an open conversation with him to see what his views are.

Me and my DH we’re together 11 years before he proposed, but during that time we had discussed our intention to get married when it was the right time and we could afford the wedding we wanted. We got together when I was 17 (him 19) and in those years I finished my A levels, had 4 years at uni, we brought our 1st home together and both went through multiple jobs until we both found stable, decent paying jobs that we enjoy and then when we had sold our 1st home and was preparing the move into our 2nd, he proposed. We had quite a bit of equity from the sale of our 1st home which paid for our wedding. Well worth the wait!

I wouldn't just sit back and passively wait for a proposal. If he hasn't proposed after 6 years, then he probably won't

I was with my husband for 8 years before we got engaged, but I didn't have any doubts about us after the first couple of years and felt secure, so didn't really bother me. I was 22 when we got together, he was 26 so we got engaged aged 30 and 34 which felt the right time for us- we knew where we were going in life by then and ready to think about a wedding and having a baby. Everyone's different but the question is more about whether you feel secure in your relationship?

With last boyfriend I was with him for 8 years. I got to my very late twenties and he was more interested in then going away for weeks/months in motor racing/rallying jollies and didn't seem to care about leaving me at home alone. We talked about kids and he had then decided they would get in the way of him going and that was the deciding factor in me leaving.

I left him 2011 and am now married to a great guy and have a son and expecting a second baby this month.

You want him to prove his love and commitment by a proposal instead of having an adult conversation about what you both want???

Like PPs, I don't understand the need for a proposal. Dh and I were very young when we met, 'courted' for a couple of years then discussed what we wanted for the future and decided to get married. No formal engagement, definitely no proposal -somehow we managed to save for a deposit a house and our wedding without either. Once we had enough we set the date and informed family. We have always been equals in our relationship, even if at times our roles have been different. Married almost 40 years, so early our approach has worked for us.
If you want to be married, why can't you just have a discussion and make a decision?

I'm afraid he would say yes just because it was what I wanted

I honestly can't see a problem with this as a reason. If one member of a couple really wants something (anything - not just talking about marriage) and the other doesn't have strong feelings either way, then you'd go with the one who really wanted it, wouldn't you?

My DH proposed after 5 years - we got together young though.

I got engaged after being with my partner 11 years. We knew we would get married one day but just had other things on. We get married next year, we will have been together 13 years when we marry

I want him to really want to be married to me too,

Well there's the problem, you can't co trip other people's feelings and if he's not that bothered about marriage it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you but the trouble is in your eyes it does. PP are right, you both need to have an upfront and open conversation about it and whether it's what you both want. Hanging around waiting to be asked is ridiculous in this day and age. Why put yourself through that misery (and him)?

Control

Depends, I have a friend who is 9 years and waiting. He keeps saying he'll get round to it and never does. They own a house and have both really invested in careers.

13 years and counting here. He knows I want to and I know he doesn't want to. We met mid 30's and both already had DC. None together have eventuated. Never tried and never discussed it until it was too late.

But.. We are 100% committed to each other. Home ownership together amongst other grown up things and neither of us have any desire to be anywhere else.

Am I sad that it's looking like I'll never be a bride? Absolutely. But I would rather be with my DP and unmarried than married to someone else.

No fucking way would I passively wait for a proposal. I am not a fucking box of cornflakes on a supermarket shelf sitting there waiting while some guy decides if he actually wants to commit to cornflakes or would rather have weetabix!

Deciding to get married is an absolutely massive joint decision and I am honestly flabbergasted that we are still in a situation in 2020 where women wait for men to dictate when and if it is going to happen. Twenty years ago my then boyfriend and I started discussing marriage and agreed it was what we both wanted. We celebrated together with a meal in our favourite restaurant and later that night he laughingly got down on one knee just so he felt he had done it properly. Twenty years later we are still happily married and making all our big decisions together.

It was 5 years, but I had been a student for 4 of those so engagement wasn't an issue. Once I finished studying we had a chat about it. He didn't feel quite ready so I left it. Then about 6 months after the chat he started asking questions about rings etc. I think seeing a few of his friends get married made him realise that he wanted it too. I think if it had got to 6 years I'd have had another talk and potentially planned an exit as it's a deal breaker for me.

5 years and one child here. The child was the deciding factor for both of us (had another since).
Neither of us were particularly desperate to get married, but we thought it would be nice for our DD.
As a result we had a very small service, 15 guests and then a meal together. No big party, no DJ, no gift list or honeymoon. Suited us.

I'm not sure time is relevant really..

Right man
Both want same things
No angst

I was engaged three times, fuck, thought twice, and then when dh proposed he said very quickly he wanted a short engagement.

Then with the others, one said no to even a registry office in jeans, one other I bought the dress but nothing was happening as he had to get divorced.. they proposed but didn't actually want to marry me. Dh did.
I was also young with the exes.

I proposed to dh as it was leap year. He said no. To be fair we'd only been together six weeks .

Hopefully, *@wontletmeout you've had a conversation about marriage and kids and both want the same things otherwise you're wasting your time. I also hope your surname doesn't describe him.

We all know men who stayed in long term relationships for years with no intention of getting married, then when their girlfriend eventually gets sick of having her time wasted and dumps him, he falls head over heels for someone else within a year and is married with a kid on the way in a heartbeat.

Sometimes one of you has just got to have the guts to acknowledge that the relationship is a "for now" one and not a "forever" one, & let each other go to find the people that you really DO want to marry and spend the rest of your life with.

I'd never propose myself. I would give him 12 months if he's not been married before. 18 months if he's divorced. Then I would do a slow fade and see if he steps up. Book a holiday with the girls, not answer calls and generally be very difficult to get hold of. If he didn't I'd say we want different things and end it. No contact then and start dating other people. I'm a relationship coach and this is needed rarely but in the event it is, it works 90 Percent if the time and they turn up with the ring. You don't have to issue ultimatums. Actions speak louder than words. You just have to show you're quite happy to step away if your needs are not met.

BTW I asked dh if he wanted to get married and have kids on our first date, which last ten hours, and we went white . The reason was I didn't want to waste another two years with someone who didn't want marriage and kids as I did. Married 21 years this year with three lovely children. I've no idea if any of my exes are married or have kids but I'd like to know. Nosy.

• and it's either a) genuinely not that important to him or b) it's just that I'm not the right person for him*

In this case, I would be wondering why you want him to show you that it is important to him. Are you afraid that it is 'b' ?

How well can you talk about what is important to each of you. How well can you talk about all the small and big decisions required to live together in harmony?

Do you usually just do what he wants ? Why are you happy with this? What are you getting out of the relationship?

As you get older, and of you own property together, have a look at the implications of inheritance tax.

@lockdownlockdown

I nearly spat my tea across the bed reading your post...after 1 year of being together and no proposal, you'd suggest manipulation for OP to get what she wants? And then I read you were a relationship coach 😳

Jesus Christ almighty 😂