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Original poster

Falling for your best friend......what to do and how to deal with it???

169 replies

h585hrf · 09/08/2019 00:48

Hello people,

Sorry to crash your forum, but I need some advice.

Over the past few month's a good friend of mine has gone through some tough times and I've spent a lot of time with her to help her out, we're really close, have lots in common and have a great relationship. The problem is that I've realised recently that I have started to catch some feelings for her, I don't think she has any idea that these thoughts are going through my head, and, while we are really close i'm sure she doesn't have any deeper feelings for me. We're both single and in our mid 30's.

The question is what do I do???
1 - Confess all in the hope things work out, risking our friendship.
2 - Bury it and carry on regardless, this is simple, but it really kills me when she gets excited about a new date she's got and the like.
3 - Distance myself from her to get a bit of space and get over these feelings, this would probably involve explaining to her exactly why.
4 - Open to any further suggestions.

I'd really appreciate any input on this because it's just driving me up the wall at the moment.

OP posts:
PlipPlop7clocks · 09/08/2019 00:55

Have you tried flirting with her a bit to see how she responds?

Are you her type?

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/08/2019 05:44

Tell her!

The friendship sounds intimate enough to survive even if she doesn't feel the same way.

Good luck ❤️

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 09/08/2019 07:11

I think you need to tell her but I wouldn't do it as a 'confess all' as that might feel like pressure and make it awkward if she's not interested.
I suggest a more casual approach that'll make it less likely for the friendship to turn awkward if she says no.
Maybe something like "I was wondering if you'd be up for a date? It's fine if you don't see me that way, I just have to ask as I do really fancy you!"
Good luck!
(And I'm a massive hypocrite for this advice btw. I've had a huge crush on a friend for years but have never been brave enough to do anything)

Twooter · 09/08/2019 07:14

The last thing your friend needs just now is for her support to make things awkward for her.

Twooter · 09/08/2019 07:16

Also, are you male or female, and is she straight? Because that would also make a difference to the advice.

Loopytiles · 09/08/2019 07:20

Why are you sure she doesn’t reciprocate the attraction?

Assuming you’d like to start a relationship with her, tell her and you’ll find out!

If she doesn’t reciprocate or you don’t tell her, you should make changes in the friendship, boundaries and so on, as it’d be self destructive to see / contact her a lot when you want more.

Original poster
h585hrf · 09/08/2019 08:45

Thanks so much for the comments, just in response to a few of the points.

Am I her type - Physically I am not the type she would look at and think "he's hot", but in terms of the people we are then we should be a good match, a few of our mutual friends have said as much. I know one of our really good friends has mentioned it to both of us, but

We are very close, and spend quite a lot of time together, just the two of us, because we're both athletes who train together. It'll be just us out for 6 hours this Sunday.

As far as her situation goes right now, life's been tough for her over the last 6 months, she's had some family trouble, but that's coming to an end now. As a result she's started doing a bit of online dating, this is when i really realised how I felt, It killed me to hear about it when one went well.

I'm male, she's female, both straight.

I definitely need to change something in the relationship, we're currently in contact most days and spend quite a lot of time together, to hang on to this when i would like a bit more is basically torturing myself. I don't want to just distance myself and end up with her thinking she's done something wrong to upset me or anything, even though I'm the one with my head spinning on this, I really need to consider her feelings too.

OP posts:
Wiltshirelass2019 · 09/08/2019 08:49

If she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings then you’ll probably make her feel awkward around you and loose the friendship. Are you willing to run that risk?

Wiltshirelass2019 · 09/08/2019 08:50

Also if she’s looking elsewhere then I very much doubt that she sees you in that way x

Original poster
h585hrf · 09/08/2019 09:20

This is exactly my thought, and my problem....I don't think she does see me that way.....but I can't just carry on as things are now, hanging onto my feelings and torturing myself.....but equally I can't just walk away from the situation and leave her wondering what the hell just happened.

OP posts:
SkiingIsHeaven · 09/08/2019 09:31

In that case you need to speak to her. Good luck.

Scott72 · 09/08/2019 09:39

Wiltshirelass is probably right, she doesn't share your feelings. Speaking to her about them just sounds like it would cause too many problems and awkwardness. Don't tell her, let some distance naturally creep into your relationship, and gradually those feelings will ebb away.

MeetMeInMontauk · 09/08/2019 09:50

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Sorry to say but you will, consciously or otherwise, be participating in some heavy selective input bias to sustain the fiction of her having even a chance of reciprocating your sentiments. Women, I think, are more like men than is appreciated when they are genuinely interested; direct, honest and will attempt to facilitate scenarios where you can spend time together beyond a strictly platonic requirement. Opening up about feelings in the absence of these indicators tends to end (or did for me, at least) in awkward silence and the cooling off of the friendship. Can't really offer much advice on how to handle as I unfortunately found that the only way to get the headspace to detach properly was to, in fact, detach from the friendship.

Robin2323 · 09/08/2019 10:07

Yes I have had this from the other side.
If she liked you in that way she'd make it know.
I've had to drop friends very shariah if they've got to close.
Including chucking one out the door with an 'offer ' I could refuse 😳

Robin2323 · 09/08/2019 10:08

"Sharpish"

Original poster
h585hrf · 09/08/2019 10:28

You know what, I totally agree with you.....as I have said from the start, I don't think that she does reciprocate these feelings. I wish i could just flick the switch and turn my feelings off, sadly it doesn't work like that.

So, it leaves me with the question of what do I do that's right for me, and fair to her? We're very close and basically share everything (well, almost everything) with each other, and it would seem very odd to her if I just started to distance myself suddenly, she'd worry that there was something very seriously wrong. Regardless of this situation i do care about her and have to respect how whatever I decide to do impacts her.

I'm currently tempted to sit her down over coffee sometime and just say that I need a bit of space for a while and just explain why.....one concern being that this "space" could well end up going on indefinitely,....how would you all feel if someone said that to you?

OP posts:
JeSuisPrest · 09/08/2019 12:12

Why don't you start dating other women? There's nothing like distraction to give your mind/heart something else to focus on. She's not the only woman in the world, and you may find someone who will reciprocate your feelings as well as being able to keep your friendship?

Original poster
h585hrf · 09/08/2019 12:52

Totally agree with this too!

OP posts:
cakeandchampagne · 09/08/2019 12:57

If it was me, I would want to know about your feelings.

ZenNudist · 09/08/2019 13:08

But your options seem to be to tell her and good likelihood of ruining the friendship, or not see her, and ruin the friendship. Or date someone else which might mean you should stop seeing her. So the friendship is ruined.

Do you flirt with her currently? Tell her shes attractive (e.g she is off on a date, tell her of course new man will like her she is... georgeous, amazing etc?) Do you ever Send her a thoughtful gift? Do you do anything that could hint you are interested to see how she responds?

You could do this and date other people. Try and get her thinking about you that way.

ZenNudist · 09/08/2019 13:11

Should mention I'm married to my "best friend". He and I made the jump from friends who spent all their time together at uni to a couple. I just fessed up that I had feelings for him one day and the rest is history. That was 20 years ago.

Think you should tell her you like her as more than a friend.

Omega369 · 09/08/2019 13:22

If she's anything like me then she already knows/suspects how you feel and does not reciprocate those feelings - she would have made a move herself if she did. She probably likes the attention and boost to her self-esteem though.

It sounds like it's too hard for you to continue pretending to just be friends so I think your plan of distancing yourself and explaining why is your best option. But try not to get your hopes up that she'll declare she loves you too - it's more likely that she'll try to reassure you that you can stay good friends, so be firm if that's not what you want.

& remember that the distance from her will free you up to focus your attention on finding someone who does feel the same way - this is harder to do when you're tangled up in unrequited love.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

SimonJT · 09/08/2019 13:51

I did option 1 (with the help of copious amounts of alcohol). It worked well for us for two years, but then an issue between his career and something in my personal life meant that we could no longer be together. We’re still best friends.

Original poster
h585hrf · 09/08/2019 14:01

I'm not expecting anything from her, obviously it would be nice if she did feel the same, but i'm not naive enough to kid myself that it's even vaguely likely....I'm just trying to work out how to do what's right for me, without being a dick about it.

We have a big event coming up in a month's time, so in reality i may have to sit on the whole thing until after that.

OP posts:
Original poster
h585hrf · 09/08/2019 14:16

Thanks for all the input by the way, really appreciate it, please keep it coming.

OP posts: