Falling for your best friend......what to do and how to deal with it???

[h585hrf]

Hello people,

Sorry to crash your forum, but I need some advice.

Over the past few month's a good friend of mine has gone through some tough times and I've spent a lot of time with her to help her out, we're really close, have lots in common and have a great relationship. The problem is that I've realised recently that I have started to catch some feelings for her, I don't think she has any idea that these thoughts are going through my head, and, while we are really close i'm sure she doesn't have any deeper feelings for me. We're both single and in our mid 30's.

The question is what do I do???
1 - Confess all in the hope things work out, risking our friendship.
2 - Bury it and carry on regardless, this is simple, but it really kills me when she gets excited about a new date she's got and the like.
3 - Distance myself from her to get a bit of space and get over these feelings, this would probably involve explaining to her exactly why.
4 - Open to any further suggestions.

I'd really appreciate any input on this because it's just driving me up the wall at the moment.

That's in no way what I said. But patronise away, sure it makes you feel good or something.

Ok then!

I agree with @Audacity. The OP sounds at times as if he’s trying to get rid of a niggling skin condition or tick a lingering task off his To Do list rather than declaring his feelings to a friend he’s fallen for. But it’s possible he’s trying to think of it that way...?

I'm fingers crossed for a happy ending :)

I think he is just trying to manage his feelings. It is just a self protection mechanism I think. Good luck OP. It will be what it will be.

I would think, as he has explained, it’s probably to try and limit expectations. If you say to yourself, it will be ok, she doesn’t really like me. Etc. Then if and when the reaction comes it might not hurt as much if it doesn’t go his way.

I would say that’s GCSE level psychology

Funnily enough, that's exactly what I was trying to work out when I asked the question. But I was somehow rude.

@AudacityOfHope
I didn’t say you were rude. I just thought you had come to a different conclusion to the ops motivation than a lot of us on here! Anyway.

I think it is probably crossed wires more than anything else. I didn’t mean to offend. I thought you were a tad prickly. But the internet is the best place for nuanced conversation.

And I hope it goes well op!!!

No, I had been encouraging the OP but then I was thinking - hang on, if she's just one of many options to him, is it worth the friendship?

Never mind! Peace and all that jazz.

Hoping for a update.
So hoping it works out.
This is worst than the 'Postie' thread.

Soooo what's happening? Have you told her?

He's not seeing her until Sunday so doubt there'll be a significant update before then.

Good to see that peace and harmony has broken out here.

I have no updates yet sorry, there won't be until late Sunday, or possibly even Monday.

Just to answer a couple of points...I admit there's probably a subconcious bit of managing expectaitions, hope for the best but plan for the worst and all that, she certainly doesn't owe me anything and I have absolutely no right to her affections....My expectation is that it'll be something along the lines of "I think the world of you, but in a big brother type of way".....And I have to be cool with that. But being cool with something and calmly taking it on the chin is very different to not giving a toss.

If that is what happens, then I will care, but it certainly won't be a surprise. As such, I'm fully prepared, and if that is the case, then I will be able to walk away, content, knowing that nothing has been left unsaid.

She's certainly not, "just one of my options". But, if/when this does happen, the clarity will make it much easier for me to move on and look to explore what other options there may be out there. As such not matter what her reaction, I will be in a far better place.

Thanks again

I must say....I really love how people are keeping track of this, rather than just posting a reply and moving on.

There have been enough 'I just woke up next to me best friend' threads on here over the years that we all know this might work out OP.
It might not, so broach the subject with a view to minimizing damage to your friendship if it doesn't work out.

It's my 5th wedding anniversary today: I married the best friend whom I helped through a dreadful breakup. We talked every day until he was feeling better, and I gradually fell for him without realizing. The moment that he started getting offers from his female colleagues I had a gut reaction so significant that I didn't feel that I could have continued being friends without saying something. It was frankly bizarre and I feel your pain OP.

Having done a lot of dating it is good to manage your expectations. Women are always reprimanded on here, ie, "it was just 3 dates, dont invest".

I think the OP wants to get one date. That is what he is invested in to figuring out.

It is healthy not to go about dating with that scarcity mindset. It makes you overvalue people.

I have learnt not to do that finally and thank goodness.

You sound like a nice guy I hope it works out for you

@ODFOx that sounds very very familiar to me right now! Really pleased things worked out for you, life isn't always like the movies sadly....but we'll see what happens, it is what it is.

I think you’ve taken the varied advice, comments and MN argy bargy pretty well.

Hope inclement weather doesn’t interfere with the activity on Sunday - if it does, suggest meeting up indoors anyway!

As apart from anything else, we would all like an update

Hope Sunday goes well! Please give us an update! Good luck!

Thanks for all the really nice comments, I will def update you all as to what happpens.....but please don't get your hopes up for the hollywood ending, the chances here are absolutely minimal, as long as I can put it out there without causing huge awkwardness and damage to our long term friendship, accepting whatever comes my way on the chin, then i'll be content.

No matter what her response is, I will have moved forwards. It's become very clear over the past few days that I can't just continue as things are as that's just torturing myself....it would be unfair to her if I was to just distance myself for no apparant reason, assuming things go as I expect, then at least she will know the reason I need a little space for a while.

Ooh be honest and dont play games.

I love our friendship and that's what's important to me so I have to be honest. I am feeling something more than just friendship ...

If I was really close to a male friend and he had caught feelings for me, I would be really hurt if he couldn't be honest and tell me if it was playing on his mind. After all, if I'm confiding in you about who I like, I would be p*ssed you didn't share your feelings about who you like with me.
Tell her.
Trust her to value your friendship as much as you do by not expecting her to reciprocate the feelings but just need her to know how you feel about her, and how it stings knowing she is dating someone but that you respect that you may not be the one for her.
You might be surprised... she might have been testing the waters when all she wants is you.
She might not but that's no excuse to keep this from your friend.

I've been following your thread. Good luck tomorrow. I'm now married to a guy that was a very good friend for several years before we got together. I think we both realised around the same time that there was 'something' there which was quite surprising as ild never thought of him that way. There was some flirting for a few weeks. I knew he was on For perusing things but I was really hesitent as was terrified it would mess up the friendship and cause problems in our wider group of friends if it didn't work out. I perused other guys in front of him and he later admitted that action broke his heart! Finally I decided it was better to give it a go or else ild always wonder. Within days of being together i knew he was the one. We married after 6 years and are married now 7 years. Hollywood endings
are possible 💕

Thank you @dontquit, It's been great to hear the stories of how things have worked out for people on here....It really isn't changing my mind on what i'm expecting, but it's just great to hear the good stories when things really work out for people.

It's a silly little thing, but i was actually playing things over in my mind earlier and wondering if I might end up bottling it and saying nothing.....but then i thought of all the comments and advice i'd had on here, and i actually felt like i'd be letting everyone down if I did....this is despite the fact that, in reality, we are a group of anonymous strangers known only by some slightly wacky usernames.

Once again, thank you all, over the past few days you've helped to give me a bit of clarity and confidence that what I am feeling is nothing to be ashamed of, and what I am doing is absolutely the right course of action. The outcome is way out of my control, I'll do my bit, and deal with the cards that life gives me.

I'll give you all an update as soon as possible.

Much love