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Original poster

Falling for your best friend......what to do and how to deal with it???

169 replies

h585hrf · 09/08/2019 00:48

Hello people,

Sorry to crash your forum, but I need some advice.

Over the past few month's a good friend of mine has gone through some tough times and I've spent a lot of time with her to help her out, we're really close, have lots in common and have a great relationship. The problem is that I've realised recently that I have started to catch some feelings for her, I don't think she has any idea that these thoughts are going through my head, and, while we are really close i'm sure she doesn't have any deeper feelings for me. We're both single and in our mid 30's.

The question is what do I do???
1 - Confess all in the hope things work out, risking our friendship.
2 - Bury it and carry on regardless, this is simple, but it really kills me when she gets excited about a new date she's got and the like.
3 - Distance myself from her to get a bit of space and get over these feelings, this would probably involve explaining to her exactly why.
4 - Open to any further suggestions.

I'd really appreciate any input on this because it's just driving me up the wall at the moment.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 14/08/2019 17:22

Your idea on what to say seems: too indirect; makes presumptions about how she feels (rude) ; that you will be fine with rejection (unrealistic); and will only need X amount of time away from or spending limited time with her (you don’t yet know what your future feelings or wishes about contact and time with her might be).

“Catching” feelings is an odd phrase, it’s not the flu! perhaps am just getting old! You have cared very much for her as a friend, and now also find her very attractive and would like a relationship with her.

PP’s suggested points would be better! State how you feel, ask her how she feels, then decide what to do next.

Loopytiles · 14/08/2019 17:28

I confessed attraction:feelings for a good friend some years ago, after several years of friendship. After a few drinks, I was honest, he liked me too, and we had a fling, he didn’t want more. I was sad but not devastated. After a few months break we met up from time to time just as friends, but more distant than before, which felt fine. After starting to date others seriously I avoided meet ups as there was still a (mild) attraction still there on my side and it felt unwise, he too got involved with others, and the friendship ended. I don’t regret opening the can of worms!

WhenPushComesToShove · 14/08/2019 17:46

Have a relaxed couple of drinks together then tell her she looks hot and ask if she has ever had a moment when she has thought of you as anything other than a friend. This leaves her free to say errrr no or mmmm maybe with room to laugh it off. If she's horrified, forget it.

LoonyLunaLoo · 14/08/2019 18:03

I like your idea, it’s fairly casual like you’re aiming for. Good luck!

CatapultingCookies · 14/08/2019 18:09

Agree with ClareIsland.

31RueCambon · 14/08/2019 18:15

I agree with siggestion to do online dating yrslf!! After she has gone out with the usual line up of perverts,lovebombers, players, pessimists and weirdos she will find herself thinking that the women who date you are lucky.

It sounds like it could really be a thing, but in order to make her see you "that way" ask her whatshe thinks you should play up on your dating profile!

Wintermaybe · 14/08/2019 20:50

Why not just ask her out on a date? She's looking for someone and so are you so just suggest you give each other a try. No need to confess your feelings and if she doesn't feel that way about you she can say no without it being awkward.

SalemShadow · 14/08/2019 21:39

Hope it goes well for you. Let us know

AudacityOfHope · 14/08/2019 21:59

Such weird advice, you fancy someone so go out with other people?!

OP don't fuck around, tell her how you feel and see what happens.

Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 22:50

Thank you all, I really appreciate the help. I was faffing around in my mind trying to find the right way to tackle this in a casual, non needy, yet direct way, for both our sakes, and you've been a massive help.

To be honest I'm not really looking at it as acceptance or rejection, success or failure. The only failure in my eyes would be saying nothing and drifting away wondering. And no matter what the outcome, I am cool with it, mainly because, I'm not actually expecting anything to come from it, but I will be able to sleep well knowing there's no what if's or maybe's.

Whilst I admit I have feelings for this girl, there are lots more out there, and a few i know who i would very happily date....getting it said will hopefully close this book for me and I can direct my attentions elsewhere, while hopefully holding onto a great friendship with the girl we have been talking about.

Thanks again for your time....I will update this later

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 15/08/2019 07:14

Woman! Not girl.

That sounds a good attitude. Good luck with the conversation.

Original poster
h585hrf · 15/08/2019 09:11

Sorry.....you're absolutely right!

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 15/08/2019 09:20

I will be hoping for good news!!

Tell her you're feeling in the same frame of mind; ready to date. If you ask her out and she knocks you back, take it like a easy going content champ.

Women know instinctively i think that you get a snapshot in to a man's character when you reject him. I know 9 times out of 10 when you reject a man you just feel relief on a scale of 1-10!! But on occasion, once or twice, i rejected somebody who took the rejection woth such ease respect and affection, without in anyway taking back what they said they felt, that i would have gone out with them if they'd asked again. That is rare tbh but worth knowing i think.

Original poster
h585hrf · 15/08/2019 11:52

Thanks Rue,
I'm honestly thinking that as long as I get it said then that's good news, i can control the controllables, but not the outcome....the outcome is what it is.
My expectation is that she will want to pursue her dating, and say that she has never seen me in that way....if that is the case then I'm very much at ease with it, and it will clear my mind to pursue other avenues, safe in the knowledge that there are no what ifs....if that is what happens, then I'm seeing that as good news it's not all about success or failure.

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 15/08/2019 12:26

I know what you mean. If you are brave enough to take the right risks at the right time, you wont have that scarcity mindset (that i used to have when dating). You will just emanate that inner confidence that you will end up hapoy with the right woman. That might be her, you think, but you dont know!
That is an attractive qualty in a person i think. Person, friend, date.... just believing it will all work out in the end.

I hope she goes on a date with you though. Let us know!!

LittleWing80 · 15/08/2019 13:52

I think the reason why you are getting conflicting advice (all very good advice though) is because not knowing her, people giving advice would do it from their own perspective.

I know I’m terrible (i know it but I can’t help it), when I really like a guy, I’m so scared of rejection I friend zone him until he comes forward first. I have been in the situation where friends would say we’d make a nice couple and I laughted it off saying he treats me like a little sister so I wouldn’t lose face. I just clam up! If the guy I like makes a sublte move (not in front of everyone and nothing dramatic), I would just relax and flirt back to let him know that I like him. I’d be relieved he makes the first move and sad if he doesn’t. Again it’s just me. Also, i think having a type doesn’t necessarily mean anything, I like guys who are kind, caring and I find that hot. He might come in different shape or height :).

If you want to distance yourself, I would say tell her why because she clearly values you as a friend. Maybe tell her, you realise you feel a bit unsettled by her dating other guys and you want to take a bit of distance (clear enough but doesn’t really call for an acceptance/rejection from her necessarily? Only a suggestion though.

AudacityOfHope · 15/08/2019 14:13

I can't work out if you're downplaying your feelings, or you're actually just not that arsed!

I wouldn't to be with someone if I was just one of his options.

Either you're really into her, in which case it's worth risking the friendship, or you're not that bothered and only fancy her due to proximity, in which case I'd keep my pal and find someone else.

Original poster
h585hrf · 15/08/2019 14:39

I won't deny I have quite deep feelings for her, perhaps I may have downplayed them here a little. The thing is I have no expectations and am totally acceptant of what happens, no matter what it is, as I have to be.

As has been said, the dynamic of our relationship has to change somehow as it's no good for me to say nothing, remain close and basically torture myself. I was trying to find a way to say things in a no pressure way, that works for both of us in this situation.

OP posts:
Watchingthyme · 15/08/2019 14:42

@AudacityOfHope
Are you reading a different thread from the rest of us!!?? HmmConfused

Original poster
h585hrf · 15/08/2019 14:52

What I was looking for was a way to say something, that would minimise pressure on her, minimise awkwardness, and maximise the chances of remaining friends.

Whatever she says and whatever happens after that is out of my control, so there is little point stressing over it. I'm full prepared to be knocked back and will calmly take it on the chin, and fully respect it.

OP posts:
HonniBee · 15/08/2019 15:10

I wrote a heartfelt letter to my then roommate and best friend. Turns out he was too scared to say anything to me! We're now married with 2 kids. Grin good luck!

LittleWing80 · 15/08/2019 15:13

@HonniBee love the story!!

AudacityOfHope · 15/08/2019 15:41

FGS I don't remember the last time there was a thread on here that didn't involve a fucking eyeroll or a rude question.

I was talking to the OP. That ok with you?

Original poster
h585hrf · 15/08/2019 16:51

Peace....I'm happy to listen to any comments, be they positive or negative...,Just as long as they're constructive....let's all be friends here.

Honestly now I really didn't know how much of a response I would get to this thread, and what sort of response it would be. I'm amazed how much of a response I've had and how useful I have found it, it's been a very big help.

OP posts:
Watchingthyme · 15/08/2019 17:19

@AudacityOfHope
If you find that’s a constant towards your posts then perhaps the problem is you my dear...