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Original poster

Falling for your best friend......what to do and how to deal with it???

169 replies

h585hrf · 09/08/2019 00:48

Hello people,

Sorry to crash your forum, but I need some advice.

Over the past few month's a good friend of mine has gone through some tough times and I've spent a lot of time with her to help her out, we're really close, have lots in common and have a great relationship. The problem is that I've realised recently that I have started to catch some feelings for her, I don't think she has any idea that these thoughts are going through my head, and, while we are really close i'm sure she doesn't have any deeper feelings for me. We're both single and in our mid 30's.

The question is what do I do???
1 - Confess all in the hope things work out, risking our friendship.
2 - Bury it and carry on regardless, this is simple, but it really kills me when she gets excited about a new date she's got and the like.
3 - Distance myself from her to get a bit of space and get over these feelings, this would probably involve explaining to her exactly why.
4 - Open to any further suggestions.

I'd really appreciate any input on this because it's just driving me up the wall at the moment.

OP posts:
BrutalHonesty93 · 11/08/2019 06:00

If it was me OP, I'd want to know. Honestly, life is far too short not to bite the bullet. If you are ready for it possibly to be unrequited. But I can't help feeling like you may be left wondering what if for god knows how long unless you do just go ahead and say it. Be honest. Give the girl a chance.

Someoneontheweb · 11/08/2019 06:28

Agree with telling. She could feel the same but worry about losing the friendship as well. Either way you can't change your feelings and you owe it to both of you to be honest if you decide to distance yourself.

theendoftheendoftheend · 11/08/2019 06:41

I think you should be honest and pretty much tell her what you have said here.
I wouldn't drop hints or start flirting, been on the receiving end of that and it's so awkward because a) either don't feel the same but feel he is pushing to change the boundaries of your relationship and then have to either work out how to tell him to quit it or just distance yourself or b) notice he is flirting but be unsure as to why or how to take it or how to feel about it, or worse of all c) get drunk, dtd and then think 'oh shit!'
Be honest!

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 11/08/2019 06:41

I wouldn’t say a damn thing until she catches feelings for you.
Don’t distance yourself. Go on dates, with an open mind to finding someone
Take up some new and surprising hobbies that you always wanted to do. Take a huge effort to really enjoy your life and be an interesting person. It will distract you and also make her see you in a new light.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 11/08/2019 07:01

I wouldn’t say a damn thing until she catches feelings for you.
Don’t distance yourself. Go on dates, with an open mind to finding someone

Agree with this 100%. Do not say anything- based on what you say it will end very badly for you, you’ll ruin a friendship and suffer weeks of sleepless nights etc if you get rejected.
In my experience, when you spend a lot of time with a girl who has romantic interest in you, they always let you know however subtlety.
Her mind is on this new guy she is dating and you have to take it on the chin and start dating yourself.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 11/08/2019 07:14

Tell her. Life is too short for what ifs.

Even something subtle like I'd like to take you out on a date if you'd like to.

EscapeTheOrdinary · 11/08/2019 07:23

I would just tell her the truth. Say you have started to get feelings for her and if it's reciprocated would she like to go out on a date if not then promise her things won't change. I've remained friends with someone 12 years after they told.me they like me and I didn't feel the same way because it was only mentioned once and we were both single at the time he told me. I did not continue a friend ship with someone who told me whilst we were both in relationships. if your both single and she's looking to date there is no harm in telling her but if she says no carry on as normal

lawnmowingsucks · 11/08/2019 08:31

I've had three Male friends declare their love/passion for me. It seriously freaked me out and put me off them as people. I think it was the fear of what they might say next , if you get me.

She'll know that you have feelings for her - I'm sure she will. And the fact that she tells you how keen she is on her current date, seems to me to indicate that she's letting you know how the land lies

However you never know. Date a few lovely ladies and she might suddenly realise what she's missing out on

ysmaem · 11/08/2019 08:37

I agree with pp and start dating other women.

Emmapeeler · 11/08/2019 08:43

I also think she probably knows. I would start dating yourself and see what happens. Her reaction if one of your dates goes well may indicate if she has any hidden feelings for you, to herself and to you. I have both had unrequited feelings for a best friend, and had a different best friend have unrequited feelings for me by the way so have some experience in this area!

Loopytiles · 11/08/2019 08:58

Trying to make her jealous would just be game playing.

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 11/08/2019 09:30

I'd say that you either tell her and then decide what to do next based on her reaction, or leave it alone completely and just live with your feelings. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but if one of my male friends started to flirt with me or make comments designed to "test the water", and I didn't feel the same way, I would be massively uncomfortable and awkward, and would probably distance myself anyway.

Can you not just start to date other women? Properly, I mean, not just as a way of testing your friend's reaction or worse, trying to make her jealous. If you genuinely believe that she doesn't reciprocate your feelings, then you have nothing to gain by keeping yourself single forever while she continues to date, and you're not helping yourself to move on.

hellodarkness · 11/08/2019 11:41

"Trying to make her jealous would just be game playing."

But op said he realised how he felt about her after hearing about her dates with other men. Watching her date made him see her differently. So maybe it is worth a try.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2019 12:24

There is a more honest, direct way for him to find out if she fancies him.

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 11/08/2019 14:52

It would also be very unfair on the women he would potentially be dating if he was only in it to needle his friend's jealousy
Dating is enough of a pita as it is without being used in someone else's mind games.

Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 05:18

Update:

Thank you so much for all the comments, while there seems to be no real concensus here on the best way to deal with it, here's where we are now.

1 - She's been on a couple of dates with a guy she met online, and seems to be quite interested in him.
2 - Hearing about it, i must admit did hurt, and I know it's destructive, but I couldn't help comparing myself to him.
3 - I'm certainly not the sort for playing games, I'm not going to date someone just to try and make her jealous. If i meet someone new who is interesting I will date them for that reason, and my eyes are open to any new opportunities that come my way.
4 - I will be spending the entire day on Sunday with her, just the two of us (we are endurance athletes who train together), what I am tempted to do is bring up some of the conversations I've had with our friends when they've suggested we should get together, she's obviously had them too. I might then ask her what her response has been when people have suggested it, if she ask's me what i've said to them then I'd probably say something like "In all the time we've known each other (about 7 years, but seeing other people mostly) I'd be lying if i said the thought had never crossed my mind, but i knew you didn't look at me the same, so it was never an issue"

I was just thinking this might give me a chance to gauge her reaction, and take it from there.

Thoughts??

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 14/08/2019 05:33

I would perhaps just say can you imagine us together? As I think I can. If she says no then you know... and she knows you can see it but you’ve not put it all out there

To be honest though although you train together if she isn’t interested I do think you need to tighten your boundaries a bit now to get back into training buddies territory rather than best friends and falling in love. For your own good.

NobleRot · 14/08/2019 05:42

I think that’s a disastrous plan. Assuming you’re doing a long training run or something together that day, it means she’s stuck for hours with you after an awkward confession, and wouldn’t necessarily appreciate you complicating her training regime. She’s not single, she’s seeing someone she seems to like, and she’s ever given any indication she’s attracted to you — I think you just have to continue to sit on your feelings.

NobleRot · 14/08/2019 05:43

She’s NEVER given.

hellodarkness · 14/08/2019 06:12

But a pp said that she only got together, and ultimately married, her best friend after he confessed his feelings for her, with no prior indication from either of them because they were both trying to hide their feelings for fear that they weren't reciprocated.

I think op should say something now before she is more committed or exclusive with the new guy. If phrased correctly, it needn't be awkward imo.

Loopytiles · 14/08/2019 07:00

That wouldn’t be honest though OP. And puts the emotional pressure on her.

Telling her you’re attracted to her needn’t be a drama. If she’s not interested, fine!

Loopytiles · 14/08/2019 07:01

Wouldn’t do it on a long training session, would phone her, or even email!

The long sessions alone together will need to stop anyway, as it’s self destructive on your part.

Scott72 · 14/08/2019 07:27

"The long sessions alone together will need to stop anyway, as it’s self destructive on your part."
Probably true. But telling her his feelings, including trying to hint at them, is going to cause too much awkwardness, since they almost certainly aren't reciprocated. I guess come up with some plausible excuses for spending less time with her. That's the least worst option.

Loopytiles · 14/08/2019 07:30

Telling her the truth is the best option.

hellodarkness · 14/08/2019 08:28

"Wouldn’t do it on a long training session, would phone her, or even email!"

I think that makes it into a bigger deal.

OPs plan of throwing it in at a suitable moment during a day together sounds good to me.

She's an adult woman, I think she can probably handle a conversation along the lines op has outlined.