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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Falling for your best friend......what to do and how to deal with it???

169 replies

h585hrf · 09/08/2019 00:48

Hello people,

Sorry to crash your forum, but I need some advice.

Over the past few month's a good friend of mine has gone through some tough times and I've spent a lot of time with her to help her out, we're really close, have lots in common and have a great relationship. The problem is that I've realised recently that I have started to catch some feelings for her, I don't think she has any idea that these thoughts are going through my head, and, while we are really close i'm sure she doesn't have any deeper feelings for me. We're both single and in our mid 30's.

The question is what do I do???
1 - Confess all in the hope things work out, risking our friendship.
2 - Bury it and carry on regardless, this is simple, but it really kills me when she gets excited about a new date she's got and the like.
3 - Distance myself from her to get a bit of space and get over these feelings, this would probably involve explaining to her exactly why.
4 - Open to any further suggestions.

I'd really appreciate any input on this because it's just driving me up the wall at the moment.

OP posts:
CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 14/08/2019 08:37

I think the time for coy hints is at an end, quite frankly, if she's in the early stages of seeing someone who might be promising. If you want to say something, you're going to have to be direct - perhaps wait until the end of this training session, then say something like "I know I haven't said anything before, but I've recently started to see you as more than just a friend, and I wanted to tell you because I need to see a bit less of you for the sake of my own wellbeing". You'll find your own way of saying it that sounds less wanky, but you get the gist Smile. At that point, if she feels the same way, she has her chance to say so. Otherwise, you can put some distance between you and she won't be left wondering why, and if she's done something wrong.

Winebottle · 14/08/2019 08:52

I like the ask her on a date idea and make it sound like a crazy idea that just came into your head. There's no need to confess your love for her.

I don't think you can read much into her not coming on to you. Maybe she feels the same.

You could also make it obvious through flirting and see how she response but I think that has the potential to make her more uncomfortable than just asking.

Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 09:17

I have come to the conclusion that I need to say/do something....saying nothing and just distancing myself really just isn't an option that is fair on either of us. I'm not a fan of saying something by phone, email or text either, I'm not a teenager after all.

So, help me out here people, what do I say to mention it, without it being a big deal?

This was my thought with talking about the conversations with our friends about us together.....I could say how much I have enjoyed training together and now our event is coming up it would be cool to do some different stuff together.

Help me out here, everyone says it needn't be a big deal, what do I say to make sure it isn't?

To make it clear once again, I'm not expecting anything other than her to see me as nothing more than a friend, but I need to create some boundaries, and to do so I have to tell her why, that is what is right for me, and fair by her.

For info I have another date lined up for Saturday night 👌.

OP posts:
Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 09:24

Subtle enough to not be a big deal, but direct enough to make sure the message gets through is the knife edge I'm after here....too subtle the message doesn't get through, too direct and it's a big deal....help me out

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 14/08/2019 09:28

Phone/email isn’t “teenage” - just preferences. some people prefer time to reflect before responding.

The poster above’s wording looks good.

I wouldn’t mention what friends have said about the two of you. Not relevant.

The point is that you’re attracted to her and would like to become more than friends. Is she interested?

If she says no, you can then explain that you wish to stay friends but to see her much less as spending so much time together isn’t ideal for you given your feelings.

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 14/08/2019 09:38

A lot of people have already made suggestions. Have you read them? I don't think you're really taking on board the points people are making about being direct and you're still talking about dropping heavy hints.

When people say it doesn't have to be a big deal, I think you're taking it to mean you should be all subtle and indirect. What I would take it to mean is that you don't have to be all dramatic about it and deliver a big planned speech, you just say what you want to say in a straightforward manner and give her some space to react.

Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 10:03

I read every post, a couple of times over. I really appreciate people taking time out of their day to help me out here.

I take on board the need to be direct, I want to be as direct as possible, without it being a big deal and really awkward....so, how do my possibilities of saying how "the thought had crossed my mind" or how "it would be cool to do some non training stuff" measure up ...too subtle?.....do we finish our day on Sunday and at the end say "I've loved training together, but I need a little space for a little while, don't know how long this will be, just because I've started to catch a few too many feelings for you and I know you don't feel the same, which is cool, but I just need a bit of time to get it out of my head"....too direct???

OP posts:
CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 14/08/2019 10:33

The thing is, you can't control how she reacts to what you have to say. It might well end up being awkward. I don't think you can have everything you want here. Your second bit of wording sounds fine. Saying you want to hang out with her more, but without actually calling it what it is, is the complete opposite to what you should be doing, as you'll be spending more time with her not less, and she still won't realise it's meant to be a date.

Watchingthyme · 14/08/2019 10:54

You just have to be prepared to lose her as a friend. Which in all honesty will be better for you if she doesn’t reciprocate.
Can you not suggest a drink/dinner after your training? And then bring it up there?

So what if she feels awkward. Lots of life is awkward!

jewel1968 · 14/08/2019 11:10

I don't think endurance training is the most romantic of setting to try and convey your feelings. I agree you need to ask her for a drink or a coffee or something. As an athlete I am guessing you don't drink much? But I think you need a more relaxed setting to say whatever comes naturally.

Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 11:14

We'll be doing our long training session, then getting some dinner afterwards....that's surely the best time

OP posts:
jewel1968 · 14/08/2019 11:21

Yes dinner should be the relaxed environment to talk.

Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 11:34

I'm still stressing out on just what to say though, I don't want to freak the girl out, make her feel bad for saying no, or come across as a bit of a needy dork.

OP posts:
jewel1968 · 14/08/2019 11:46

I would try and not rehearse what you are going to say as it will feel and sound awkward. Think about what you are trying to convey for example:

  1. You see her more than a friend
  2. Wondering if she might feel the same.
  3. Disappointed that she is dating
  4. If she doesn't feel the same you will be cooling the friendship for your own sake
  5. You will miss her

Then try to relax (alcohol can help but not too much) and in the most natural of language try to get across the key things you need to. It may get awkward but I am fairly convinced she has an inkling so it won't be a complete shock.

Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 11:54

Thanks Jewel

OP posts:
CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 14/08/2019 12:00

I agree with jewel1968 to a large extent but would leave out the bit about being disappointed that she's dating. "Disappointed" implies something or someone failing to meet your standards or expectations, which I don't think is the effect you're looking for. The rest of it would be enough on its own.

Branleuse · 14/08/2019 12:02

I think its crunch time really. You have to tell her. Dont pine over her from a distance and be all pathetic. Youre both single, you both have loads in common and get on brilliantly. Let her know so you can either talk about it, start something up, or decide whether its too awkward now and move on

TinyTear · 14/08/2019 12:03

When I (female) had to talk to a (male) friend about how there was a lot of unspoken feelings between us I actually write it down and had it ready to give as a letter if i hadn't been able to talk to him...

we talked, we are friends still

AudacityOfHope · 14/08/2019 12:07

I married my best mate. He gave me a letter saying look, we've both been the constants in each others lives longer than we've been with anyone else. I spend my whole life hoping it's you when the phone rings. Let's get on with it.

And we did Grin

Do it! Do it! Do it!

CraftyYankee · 14/08/2019 12:24

There is a long tradition in literature of men declaring feelings, woman says heck no...but the seed is planted and woman starts thinking of him in a new light. Plot twists ensue, then happy ending. (Thinking Pride and Prejudice here.)

Not suggesting this is what's going to happen of course. But you might want to be prepared for an initial heck no response, and do it either separately from training/dinner or at the very end of dinner. Tell her, say goodnight and let her process it. Don't drop a bombshell in the middle.

Your best chance is to tell her and back off. Let her think about it, maybe call some friends to dissect it second by second. You sound like a good thoughtful guy, she'd be missing out!

And agree with being direct. At the end of dinner tell her what about her appeals to you and that you'd like to take her on a real date. Then be done.

Good luck 👍

Watchingthyme · 14/08/2019 12:30

I would probably say something along the lines of:

What with you dating recently, it’s made me realise that perhaps I see you as a bit more than friends. And if you don’t that’s cool. - then go from there.

Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 12:56

Thank you all

To be honest the very last thing I am expecting is a literature style Hollywood happily ever after ending....this is real life remember.

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 14/08/2019 13:14

I think Tinklylittlelaughs RL example is perfect. It is direct, accurate and doesn’t put the other person on the spot to answer or respond at that moment or anytime. Just gets left there:

One day we went for a walk, sat down on a jetty and he just said, “Tink I’m mad about you, and I know you don’t feel the same, but if you ever, ever change your mind I will drop anything and anyone for you.”

Original poster
h585hrf · 14/08/2019 13:41

I must admit I like that way of doing things too....I like that it doesn't put her in a position where she has verbalise rejection, that's easier on both of us.

OP posts:
jewel1968 · 14/08/2019 14:29

And agree with saying it (whatever you decide) at the end of the meal when she can slip away. If she is a bit shocked she will need time to process. There is an honesty in what you are doing and even if nothing happens (which I know is what you expect) at least you will not torture yourself with 'what if'.....