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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell just happened ?

130 replies

LemonPomPom · 22/04/2018 15:38

Earlier I was pulling up to the house with the DC when the speaker on the car really kicked in-we heard "you know I love you too darling" it was DHs voice and his Bluetooth must've somehow connected to the car. The kids all freaked out and when we came into the house he looked really flustered.

The DC went out to the garden -I confronted him and asked who the hell he'd be declaring his love for and he said he was on a group call with a friend and his friends who are staying with him from overseas and they were discussing relationships ? WTF discusses that on a conference call with people they've never met before?

I snatched DHs phone out of his hand and asked him what the Pin code was as an innocent person wouldn't mind showing their phone history and if I didn't get it we were over for good. We struggled and I was pushed to the floor and have what looks like the start of a black eye. I've locked myself in the bathroom with my phone and am ignoring all pleas to discuss the matter

I'm not going to go into too much detail but dh was caught out sexting 2 women 3 years ago. Swore he'd never do it again- yaddah-yaddah- Sad

I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 22/04/2018 15:39

Oh OP Brew Cake how awful for you. Are you safe now? Where are the children?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 22/04/2018 15:42

Well now you have too much evidence to be that woman again. .. Big girls pants on and get rid of the cheating fucker.
Today.

Bluebelle38 · 22/04/2018 15:42

Tell him to leave now. You need to feel safe so you can think. I'm so sorry.

Gemini69 · 22/04/2018 15:44

Oh gawd what a bastard Flowers

pallisers · 22/04/2018 15:44

he is having an affair. His reaction and struggle for the phone would be the absolute last straw - well his cheating would be for me tbh. Sorry OP.

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2018 15:44

He needs to leave. So sorry. Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2018 15:45

And black eye?? That’s assault. Call the Police and report for the love of god.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/04/2018 15:45

He leaves... he has to!

You heard him, your kids heard him, you all know what he said and what it means!

And that's before you start working out how/why you got hurt!

Storm4star · 22/04/2018 15:46

So sorry OP. Is there anyone you can call to come over and be with you? Please stay safe.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/04/2018 15:47

The possible black eye might not be assault... 2 adults in a combative tussle over a phone would not necessarily be assault! But the fact he entered into a physical struggle for it reinforces what OP already knows!

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 15:49

@CuriousaboutSamphire the fact he entered into a tussle makes it assault.

Original poster
LemonPomPom · 22/04/2018 15:51

I can hear kids playing happily in the garden.

I keep wondering what if it was something more innocent-what is wrong with me FFS. I'm in shock and don't want to move.I know what I have to do. It wasn't assault. I'm going to pack a case for him and tell him he goes or we (DC and I)do and I post it all over his precious social media. He's very concerned with looking good publicly.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 22/04/2018 15:53

There’s nothing wrong with you Op, you’ve had a terrible shock and you’re wishing it wasn’t true. Which is entirely understandable.

If he had an innocent explanation I rather think he’d have given it by now, sadly.

So do what you need to do, as long as you and the kids are ok, that’s what matters.

Storm4star · 22/04/2018 15:55

If he’d been happy to show you his phone then (odd as it is) maybe there would have been some kind of logical explanation. The fact he fought with you to get the phone back and you ended up on the floor makes things pretty clear.

Original poster
LemonPomPom · 22/04/2018 15:55

I have NOBODY.
I have the DC and acquaintances- not much for 15 years.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/04/2018 15:58

OP, I left a relationship after a similar length of time. I just had DCs and acquaintances.

I was lucky to make one friend soon after and basically just had that one friend and the acquaintances for about five years.

I've now got a second friend - go me! Grin - and a bf too.

Life will get better.

MrsExpo · 22/04/2018 16:00

I once overheard a very boring work related convo my DH had via the car blue tooth as I drew up outside, as his phone was synced to the car hands free. So it looks like you've caught him out. So sorry this is happening to you OP. Hope you're safe now. Do as you planned. He needs to go .... sending Flowers.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/04/2018 16:03

@Smeddum - by that logic so did OP! It isn't helpful to try to fan even greater flames for the OP, she has now said it wasn't assault, she was there and would have a better understanding of it

Lemon Nothing's wrong with you. You've just been floored by the actions of a selfish man! See if he has any remnants of self awareness and tell him to leave rather than forcing his children out of their home.

Good luck

JoanFrenulum · 22/04/2018 16:04

I finish phone calls that aren't to DH with "Love you very much" sometimes too. And if he overhears and gives me a Quizzical Look, I say "Talking to my mum" or whatever it might be. And if he wanted to see my phone, I'd likely let him and later have a discussion about boundaries. I wouldn't be behaving like a guilty fuckhead and giving my DH a black eye. You aren't being remotely unreasonable wanting him to piss off.

sweetiehuni · 22/04/2018 16:06

Massive hugs. Time to be strong. You will look back on this when you're happy and settled and be so glad that you stood up for yourself and didn't let him mug you off. Men like this are cowards. Please ignore any thoughts in your head convincing yourself it might be innocent. Like another poster said, his reaction says it all. ThanksThanksThanks

Screaminginsideme · 22/04/2018 16:09

Sometimes acquaintances can turn out to be really good friends In tough times.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I know how you are feeling and it is tough to make decisions while you are in shock.
This man is lying to you and trying to protect himself with no reguards for your feelings or the consequences to you and his children of his selfish behaviour.
Anything his says now if from panic and regret at being caught and is not genuine remorse. He was declaring his love to someone else just minutes ago.

OP you have choices but you need space to make them.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 16:10

@CuriousaboutSamphire fair enough I see OP said that too, so I’ll apologise for my assumption. To both of you.

Petalflowers · 22/04/2018 16:10

The fact that he wouldn’t show,you the phone is the telling part of your post. If he hadn’t nothing to hide, then he wouldn’t have wrestled you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2018 16:11

If he’s pleading with you, he’s in pathetic defensive mode and hopefully he’ll leave with a change of clothes and sod off for a couple of days to give you some space.

You must be in shock. He’s the one in the wrong and he’s behaving appealingly. I’m so sorry Flowers

spanky2 · 22/04/2018 16:11

Also what kind of man struggles so hard with his phone his wife gets a black eye?
You deserve more. Photograph your eye, ring the police to get the incident logged. Divorce him. What are your dcs learning about how to be a man from him? It sounds like a cliche but think of your dcs. There is definitely not anything wrong with you.

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