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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell just happened ?

130 replies

LemonPomPom · 22/04/2018 15:38

Earlier I was pulling up to the house with the DC when the speaker on the car really kicked in-we heard "you know I love you too darling" it was DHs voice and his Bluetooth must've somehow connected to the car. The kids all freaked out and when we came into the house he looked really flustered.

The DC went out to the garden -I confronted him and asked who the hell he'd be declaring his love for and he said he was on a group call with a friend and his friends who are staying with him from overseas and they were discussing relationships ? WTF discusses that on a conference call with people they've never met before?

I snatched DHs phone out of his hand and asked him what the Pin code was as an innocent person wouldn't mind showing their phone history and if I didn't get it we were over for good. We struggled and I was pushed to the floor and have what looks like the start of a black eye. I've locked myself in the bathroom with my phone and am ignoring all pleas to discuss the matter

I'm not going to go into too much detail but dh was caught out sexting 2 women 3 years ago. Swore he'd never do it again- yaddah-yaddah- Sad

I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 22/04/2018 16:14

I think getting very defensive re phones is always a red flag. When my H was lying to me about a colleague who was ‘overcommunicating’ (and indeed she was, all innocent claptrap but way way too much if it) and I used to borrow it occasionally if mine was charging, he would be on the edge of his seat looking like he was always going to try and snatch it at any minute.

NotAQueef · 22/04/2018 16:16

You deserve more. If it were innocent why wrestle to stop you getting the phone?

celticmissey · 22/04/2018 16:17

This happened to me- only I did a last number re-dial and wrote her phone number down. He ripped it out of my hand and tore it up so I wrote it down again. Then told him to leave . Next day packed up all his stuff and put it in the garage and that was the end but we didn't have kids. Tell him to go as you need time to think but he needs to tell you the truth before he leaves. You need time to think .

blueskyinmarch · 22/04/2018 16:21

That's awful OP. If he has pushed you to the floor and you have ended up with a black eye then i would say that is assault and you should call the police.

WingsOnMyBoots · 22/04/2018 16:22

Sorry OP this is horrible for you.

Gemini69 · 22/04/2018 16:26

make HIM leave... don't you leave lovely Flowers

Original poster
LemonPomPom · 22/04/2018 16:28

I'm not calling the police. He will lose his job. Then things will be worse.
I'll see my doctor and have the injuries photographed and noted.
He's said he's not going as he's done nothing wrong and I can check the phone if it means that much.Hmm just how much can someone delete in an hour? All traces I'd say.
So -I've booked a hotel.
He will shut himself when he sees my cases at the door.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 22/04/2018 16:29

Oh so now you can check the phone? And he actually believes you’ll fall for it? Ooft.

I’m sorry OP, that this is happening to you. You deserve better.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 22/04/2018 16:31

I would tell him he has 5 minutes to pack a bag & leave before I call the police from the bathroom.

Take some photos now, and later, of your eye. It’s not necessarily abuse, but it could be the start of shitty behaviour if you won’t take him back.

Then pull up your Oh-Fuck-Big-Girl-Pants and ask in legal if anyone knows a GOOD Divorce Lawyer in your area.

If you brush this under the carpet you’re giving him free reign to carry on doing this for the rest of your lives and giving your children some pretty shit messages about their future relationships.. It’s NO way to live. Be strong, you can do it 💐. I’m not sure how old your kids are, but they heard the message, be honest with them. Daddy has left because it’s not OK to talk to someone else like that when you’re married.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 22/04/2018 16:34

I cross posted with you.

I still think you should tell him you’ll call the police if he doesn’t leave. Tell him your black eye looks bad.

You really shouldn’t leave the house.

Chippyway · 22/04/2018 16:35

The fact he got so defensive over his phone says it all

Hope you’re okay OP. You and the children deserve better

HughLauriesStubble · 22/04/2018 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HughLauriesStubble · 22/04/2018 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TomRavenscroft · 22/04/2018 16:40

I'm not calling the police. He will lose his job. Then things will be worse.

Only if you let him keep abusing you.

Go to a hotel and call the police.

MadMags · 22/04/2018 16:43

It doesn’t matter who you do or don’t have.

You know what he was doing. He’d rather you got a black eye than show you his phone... you know what you heard.

Better to have nobody (which isn’t true because you have your lovely dc and you can easily make friends) than be with that fucking scrotum.

bearbehind · 22/04/2018 16:45

Call his bluff OP.

Look at his phone and ask why there's no calls showing from the time you got home.

You know he was on the phone then so, if he's deleted any numbers from that time you know, and he knows he's been caught.

Screaminginsideme · 22/04/2018 16:46

Www.survivinginfidelity.com

It’s a great site and there is also a support thread here on the relationship board.

Trust yourself - you know he’s having an affair.

Be calm and rational. He is lying. He will have deleted all evidence.

You need to be cool. Don’t listen to further lies. The SI site has some advice about something they call the 180 that is brilliant.

He needs to leave the house not you.
You need some support - pick someone to reach out too.

You have done nothing wrong, he has and he will be lying and gaslighting like crazy to keep the status quo for him because he is selfish.

Look after you and your kids because he has only been thinking of himself

MistyMinge · 22/04/2018 16:47

If he had nothing to hide he wouldn't have struggled with you to the point you've got a black eye. He must think you're as thick as shit if he thinks handing his phone over an hour later, after he's had a chance to delete everything, is going to be ok.

I'm so sorry OP. What a shitty situation. It would appear this leopard hasn't changed his spots.

If it was me I'd say he has to leave or stay and face the consequences once you've reported his assault to the police.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do Flowers

ChickenMom · 22/04/2018 16:48

Make him go to the hotel. Tell him he packs a bag and goes or you’ll call the police to report your black eye and they will remove him and he will lose his job. Start getting what you deserve out of life. You caught and forgave this fucker 2 years ago. Now this. No. No more. He’s taking the absolute piss out of you. Call it. Call him. Tell him he goes or you are going to stand in the back garden and start screaming that he’s smacking you around. Get rid of him. We are all here for you. Stop worrying about what friends you do or don’t have. Just think about getting this sorted right now. Once he’s gone and the dust has settled we can then give you advice/help on how to make friends.

ChickenMom · 22/04/2018 16:49

and you know what. Once he’s gone you can post what region you live in and any of us on here who live near can pm you. You’ll have hundreds of friends. If you live near me then I’ll take you for coffee but get that fucker out of your life first

notapizzaeater · 22/04/2018 16:50

There's no way it's innocent if he wouldn't let you look at the phone - why should you leave ?

Screaminginsideme · 22/04/2018 16:50

Agreed chicken mum I’m happy to chat over the phone if you don’t live near me.

JiminyBillyBob · 22/04/2018 16:52

What an absolute cunt. Get rid.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2018 16:52

He goes to the hotel.

Don’t leave your home and your children. What on Earth will you tell them? Mummy’s got a black eye and won’t be sleeping at home tonight but don’t worry, angry daddy is here?

It really isn’t sensible for you to be the one to go. Think ahead a bit and how it’ll look if you’re the one to leave and you leave him with the kids? The guy who was so scared of you seeing his phone he bashed your face?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2018 16:53

And he has fucking done “something wrong”. He’s already trying to make you doubt yourself and you’re vulnerable and in shock right now.