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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell just happened ?

130 replies

LemonPomPom · 22/04/2018 15:38

Earlier I was pulling up to the house with the DC when the speaker on the car really kicked in-we heard "you know I love you too darling" it was DHs voice and his Bluetooth must've somehow connected to the car. The kids all freaked out and when we came into the house he looked really flustered.

The DC went out to the garden -I confronted him and asked who the hell he'd be declaring his love for and he said he was on a group call with a friend and his friends who are staying with him from overseas and they were discussing relationships ? WTF discusses that on a conference call with people they've never met before?

I snatched DHs phone out of his hand and asked him what the Pin code was as an innocent person wouldn't mind showing their phone history and if I didn't get it we were over for good. We struggled and I was pushed to the floor and have what looks like the start of a black eye. I've locked myself in the bathroom with my phone and am ignoring all pleas to discuss the matter

I'm not going to go into too much detail but dh was caught out sexting 2 women 3 years ago. Swore he'd never do it again- yaddah-yaddah- Sad

I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 22/04/2018 17:25

Flowers Be kind to yourself, it is an awful shock.

What is your housing situation? Do you know where he has gone? I would be inclined to pack up his shit and send it there in a taxi.

Get copies of any relevant paperwork, including pensions, savings, insurances. Get lawyered up and see what your options are.

Screaminginsideme · 22/04/2018 17:25

Well done op.
How old are the DC’s? They already know daddy told someone other than mummy he loved them very much. You can use that to explain to them that daddy has hurt you by doing that and that he is leaving the house for this reason.

Take care of you op.
1)Eat and drink- this will be hard at first- I lost 7lbs in the first week after my dday.
2) make sure you know the financial situation. Get copies of his payslips, account statements, savings and bills.
3) if you have a joint account then make sure he can’t empty it and leave you without.
4) if you can get access to laptops etc you can get copies of phone statements. You can then gather evidence of his infidelity.

You have options but you don’t have to make decisions now from a place of pain.
You survived before and you will again.

He is the fool not you

He is unworthy of you and the family life you have built. He will have to work really hard to be worthy ever again.

You are stronger than you know.

This is a beginning not an end

TheParisofPeople · 22/04/2018 17:26

Did you see this other solicitor a couple of years ago because of the sexting or have things been on the rocks for a while in other ways. Has he ever been violent with you before?

Figgygal · 22/04/2018 17:29

The fact he's cleared his phone speaks volumes

Hope you ok and not too sore

Original poster
LemonPomPom · 22/04/2018 17:30

I already had all important paperwork and passports hidden from a couple of years ago-we've not been abroad since and my marriage certificate is with the solicitors I saw for advice. I'd need to add updated mortgage statements- I have everything else. It'll be squirrelled away tomorrow

My kids thought it was hilarious and freaked out as they thought their dad was playing a prank on them. I didn't realise his handset was paired with my car and he'd clearly forgotten.

He goes away a lot so I'll make something up and they will buy it.
3 DC 12 and under.

OP posts:
Ohforfoxsakereturns · 22/04/2018 17:31

Have a look on entitledto.com - it’s helpful.

Find a solicitor you feel safe with.

Mediation helped me, it’s not for everyone, but it was useful for us.

I went through months of bank statements and prepared a budget of all expenditure, together with some projections. It was a really helpful exercise, and formed the basis of our agreement. It also helped as it gave me something practical to do, and gave me a sense of control.

Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself.

Screaminginsideme · 22/04/2018 17:31

Don’t lie for him op.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/04/2018 17:33

Aww Lemon, Im so sorry, you must still be in shock, but you're doing so well, keeping your head together.
The dirty rat.😡

SickofThomasTheTank · 22/04/2018 17:39

You're refusing to report Domestic Violence?

Gemini69 · 22/04/2018 17:44

Damn OP.... good for you... and you're totally focused.. well done Flowers

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 17:44

You're refusing to report Domestic Violence?

Lovely bit of victim blaming there eh? Hmm

OP has said it wasn’t an assault so this information isn’t about her, but did you know it takes a woman an average 37 assaults before she is able to report it?

Original poster
LemonPomPom · 22/04/2018 17:49

Thanks Smeddum

And FWIW I'm afraid I've bigger fish to fry and pithy posts aren't going to yank my chain tonight - I won't even say the posters name.Hmm

OP posts:
Smeddum · 22/04/2018 17:51

@LemonPomPom I’m in awe of you tbh, I don’t have my shit together the way you do even without a sudden horrible shock!
You sound awesome.

Viviennemary · 22/04/2018 17:52

He's a disgrace. And used violence to avoid telling the truth. There should be no going back from this.

underthebluemoon · 22/04/2018 17:53

OP you will be running on adrenaline, be prepared to crash at some point. But you are doing great just now.
Read Chumplady's website. It helped me a lot.

Original poster
LemonPomPom · 22/04/2018 17:54

I'm a pathetic mess Smeddum- don't be fooled. But I swore 2 years ago that if I ever got a sniff of anything else I'd have my ducks lined up with military precision.
I've a lot of work to do - I'm naturally a head-burier - I think it's act quick or be shat on time

OP posts:
Timefortea99 · 22/04/2018 18:02

Take care Lemon. What a shitty thing to do. Stay strong.

Flisspaps · 22/04/2018 18:04

@Smeddum at the FP facilitator training I went to this month, they said it's more likely to be double the estimate of 37 assaults now (I don't know where the updated stats are from)

@LemonPomPom you can also do the Freedom Programme online if you can't get to a group for whatever reason.

Thankswell done for not listening to his crap

Luckingfovely · 22/04/2018 18:04

Just sending support, what a horrid shock. And what a git. Like others I would offer support if you're near me and need anything.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 22/04/2018 18:05

I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but after a few episodes, it was more of a resigned sigh as opposed to a dramatic end to my marriage. It’s worn down over time. Easier in a way, but sad. Very,very sad.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 18:06

@Flisspaps oh god that’s awful. I lost count of how many I endured. I only reported him after he threatened to burn my house down!

@LemonPomPom you’re entitled to be a mess, you’ve had a horrible shock. Believe me though, you are in no way pathetic! You are awesome! I second the Freedom programme, it’s brilliant. I wish I’d known about it when I got away from XH.

Petalflowers · 22/04/2018 18:10

You said he goes away a lot. Can you look through bank statements to see if there are any suspicious transactions - hotel bills, unexplained meals (or larger values than for one person), etc.

Storm4star · 22/04/2018 18:12

Good for you Lemon. You have dealt with a shitty situation brilliantly and I am so glad for you that you got him out of the house. Sorry but did he honestly think wiping his phone was going to make it all go away 😤 what an ass. We’re here for you when you want to talk. I haven’t been on MN long and people get a bit ridiculous about things on here sometimes (including me, lol) but i’ve also seen how people rally round when someone is hurting and it shows there are a lot of good people on here.

I think you have been so brave to stand your ground and make him leave. Not even cos of the physical stuff but having the strength to say no, this isn’t right. It’s going to be crap but even just from how you’ve handled today, you will make it through this.

Oddcat · 22/04/2018 18:19

Take your time, there's no massive hurry now that you've got all the paper work together. I would just sort out how you're going to keep him away for now.

youaremyrain · 22/04/2018 18:26

💐
The only from here is up OP

If there is DV you will get legal aid for the divorce

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