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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On my way to go get dumped

138 replies

callmehannahbaker · 12/12/2017 09:20

I'm on the bus to go see my boyfriend, all was good until about a week ago.
I have BPD and have recently started working again and am in the process of moving house.
This has meant I've not been practicing my emotional regulation and distress tolerance techniques enough and got down and needy.
Boyfriend is quite new and although he is fully aware that I have BPD I think because I was mainly in control before it has come as a shock and he's realised he can't deal with it.

I'm going to have to deal with this and get my head around the fact that BPD and relationships just don't work for me and I'll have to be single forever.

Sorry for ranting, having a little cry on the bus and needed to do something.

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 12/12/2017 09:23

Awwww, sweetie. If this one doesn't work out, it doesn't mean that no other relationship will. It sounds like you've had an exceptionally tough set of circumstances to contend with this time around. Flowers

WowserBowser · 12/12/2017 09:26

Are you sure he is? It seems a bit mean to make you go over there on the bus to dump you.

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 12/12/2017 09:27

I had 18 months of being single after my last relationship broke down (because of my mental health). I really thought I was ready but getting with someone has brought out a lot in me that isn't healthy.

Before I was discharged from mental health services i discussed whether I'd be able to function in a relationship without becoming obsessive and in fear of abandonment and my therapist couldn't answer. She knows how deeply I become attached very quickly.

I just want to be normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 12/12/2017 09:28

I know the signs @WowserBowser, he wouldn't talk on the phone and offered to come to me but I have no furniture at the moment so said I'd go there.

OP posts:
Mulch · 12/12/2017 09:28

Theres a lid for every pot.

Now might not be the time for you.

WowserBowser · 12/12/2017 09:29

Ah, I'm so sorry. Let us know how you get on

gingerclementine · 12/12/2017 09:31

You sound really amazing. BPD is very difficult, and you just described yourself and your situation with such maturity and insight.

Can you let him know that you know you are being hard work right now due to stress, and that you don't want this to spoil things, so you'd like to take a break while you settle in to your new home and work, and get back in touch when you are in control again? Would that work for you? To be allowed breathing space in times of stress, and a break from the relationship so it doesn't turn sour? Might be that you just need to handle relationships in a different way from 'normal' people, so that they work for you.
Good luck.

Nipplesunited · 12/12/2017 09:31

Fingers crossed all goes better than you expect Flowers

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 12/12/2017 09:31

Will do, about 20 mins away now. Stupid 2 buses, takes an hour each way.

OP posts:
Anatidae · 12/12/2017 09:31

Look into DBT as a therapy type.

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 12/12/2017 09:33

@gingerclementine the problem is I'm not able to take breaks or leave people alone.

He's going to have to block me on everything to be honest as I can't handle rejection/abandonment at all.

Feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 12/12/2017 09:34

@Anatidae I've done DBT, it was amazing, I think I'm handling work and moving house ok. I just can't handle relationships apparently x

OP posts:
Nipplesunited · 12/12/2017 09:39

I understand being unable to take a break or step away for some space during a relationship. The rejection and abandonment issues are so hard to ignore.

I struggle with relationships, too.

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 12/12/2017 09:42

I'm 32 and a single mum. I didn't think I'd have to stay alone forever.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 12/12/2017 09:43

I hope that what you think is going to happen, doesn’t. But if it does, then he’s not the right one for you. I’d also maybe make him aware about the blocking, so you can recover without the risk of trying to contact him, and be able to recover. All the best with the new job and the new house xx

chickenowner · 12/12/2017 09:44

You poor thing.

Sending Flowers

There is someone right for you out there. I never thought I would meet someone but I did when I was in my late 30s.

Don't give up hope!

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 12/12/2017 09:47

It's more that I'm right for no one if that makes sense?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 12/12/2017 09:51

That’s not true. You have BPD, you’re not BPD. You will find the person who is able to support you, if this person isn’t. Your health issue doesn’t define you x

Nipplesunited · 12/12/2017 09:55

SD is right. There is someone out there for you. Someone who will help bring out your best.
I havent lost hope and you shouldnt either

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 12/12/2017 09:56

Look at you though op...you're so self aware...you ARE doing well. Flowers

fannyfelcher · 12/12/2017 09:57

Oh Lovely, my heart is breaking for you. My daughter also has BPD and struggles massively with fear of abandonment. She is nowhere near as practiced as you are in terms of staying healthy and she can not seem to break out of her 4-6 weekly self destructive cycles. She is only 19 so has time yet. Now, as much as it may hurt if you split up, you need to focus on the fact that you know you can get back on track, practice your emotional regulation and distress tolerance and you WILL be able to get back on track. You have a lot going on right now with a house move, going back to work AND being a single mum at Christmas time. You need to be kinder to yourself. because you are awesome.

lottieandmia22 · 12/12/2017 09:57

Poor you :( I’m so sorry. I do think the right person will not just say that they understand but they will SHOW that they understand by not running out on you when you’re having a bad time. Talk is cheap as they say. I don’t have BPD but I’m autistic so I do have some understanding of people saying it’s all fine and then they show that actually they aren’t tolerant at all.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 12/12/2017 09:57

What do you mean, you have no furniture? Are you moving house? Are you OK?

Starlight2345 · 12/12/2017 09:57

A hand hold for whatever happens..

Remember you do have positives a new job and new home..

None of us know if what you are imagining is going to happen or fear of abandonment. but it is your worst fear focus on the progress you have made.

UbiquityTree · 12/12/2017 09:58

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