On my way to go get dumped

[callmehannahbaker]

I'm on the bus to go see my boyfriend, all was good until about a week ago.
I have BPD and have recently started working again and am in the process of moving house.
This has meant I've not been practicing my emotional regulation and distress tolerance techniques enough and got down and needy.
Boyfriend is quite new and although he is fully aware that I have BPD I think because I was mainly in control before it has come as a shock and he's realised he can't deal with it.

I'm going to have to deal with this and get my head around the fact that BPD and relationships just don't work for me and I'll have to be single forever.

Sorry for ranting, having a little cry on the bus and needed to do something.

Just wanted to say I really admire you for all the work you have obviously done but that it's still early days in terms of your recovery and it's important to try and not catastrophise even if this is the end of this relationship as you suspect.
You must be a strong and intelligent person to have gained so much insight in to yourself but you are only 32 and have much of your life still left to live who knows what might happen further on down the road? Keep going with your distress tolerance and emotional regulation, allow your self to grieve if this one does not work out and take care of yourself.

I’m sorry 🌷

Relationships are hard enough without BPD, I can only imagine how much harder it is for you.

I hope he just needs to talk about how hard he’s finding it & what he can do to help you & himself, but if he’s bailing out this early in the relationship without trying to find how you should both deal with it, then, that’s fine, he’s not the one for you.

It honestly does not mean you have to stay single. There are people in relationships with all kinds of MH issues, illnesses, disabilities, terrible past events that cause issues...it’s just a matter of finding the right person for you. Of course it’s very difficult, but it’s not impossible.

I’m really impressed with your ability to acknowledge the issues you have & work on them and to know what you need him to do if you do break up.

You’re stronger than you realise, you will be fine 🌷

I have BPD too and just wanted to say, if you would like to talk then I am here

You are not sure yet so sending positive thoughts your way.

If he does finish things he is not right for you. Having a condition like yours does challenge relationships but also weeds out the wrong people quite early giving you time to meet someone who will be better for you.

Also, think about what you need from a relationship. If he is making you feel insecure maybe he is not the right person for you.

My friend has BPD and she had similar probs with relationships. Being far too intense and invasive etc panicking if she didnt get a reply to her text the same day and ringing hundreds of times.
She did this in several relationships and they all ended either badly or before they had even begun.

BUT now she has met a man who is really patient and communicative with her and she is so so much more calm. Theyve been together a while now and seem really happy.

Some men will not be able to deal with your illness and thats fair enough but dont think that there is absolutely no one out there for you because its not true. Your boyfriend has just not been the right one for you thats all.

You sound very insightful about your problems with relationships and so Im sure you must put effort into trying to deal with them well. Someone will come along and appreciate that effort and also be able to deal with it when you are stressed too. Just because this current soon to be ex boyfriend of yours has not been that guy does not mean that guy isnt out there.

Something from me as a man with a long history of depression. Well, basically, it broke my last marriage and my career. However, that doesn't mean you hit rock bottom. It's only one side of the story. See, with mental illness comes a level of maturity that many people who never experienced MI would aspire to achieve. Your judgment may be clouded on occasions, but your clear moments are clearer than most people's. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll get there eventually as long as you embrace your illness as who you are, your identity and something that you define yourself against others. It helps you get things in perspective and with that you learn to manage relationships. If your boyfriend is a little impatient with your condition, then you're better off without him (some people can't cope with others with heavy psychological baggage) - even though I know you'll probably need all the comfort you get your hands on. But out there, somewhere you'll find the 'someone' who perhaps had suffered similar condition and would be willing to see within the right context. I'm personally in this phase right now.

I'd like to say that you should be grateful for what you have, but, alas, things are not straightforward as they appear for somebody in your conditions. And, alas, again, not many people will understand. Look at it as a meaningful struggle. This is what I've been doing recently, and frankly, my depression is somewhat emerging as a meaningful experience. And with this 'epiphany' a level of comfort begins to take hold.

I wish you all the best. And believe me, I do feel for you. Please be free to ramble and ask any questions.

So sorry for you but seriously, being single is wonderful. Learn to enjoy the freedom of independence and once you are happy alone you'll be in a better position to choose any future relationship on your terms, not because you have to be part of a couple. Thinking of you today though. Very hard to get through any break up for any reason. xxx

Perhaps he just needs to hear how you truly feel, how you’re finding things tough but that you’ll be doing your utmost to regain momentum once life has settled down.

If he’s got any sense, he’ll ask what he can do to support you and hang around because you sound lovely.

Hugs x

You poor thing. Hope it isn't as bad as you're expecting, and if it is, be strong.

Don't give up hope. I've got awful BPD and had a decade of nightmarish relationships behind me. Then I met my wife and she shows me everything I need to be happy :) even during my worse, clingiest times.

Thinking of you and hope all goes as well as can be expected.

Big loves. Heartbreak is shit x

I hope it's not what you think it is. Stay calm.

I just can't handle relationships apparently

This is all or nothing thinking and catastrophizing with a good measure of fortune telling thrown in too.

You are not able to deal with this relationship, at this time.

I know that BPD is hell at times, but you can improve. Hold onto that thought: things can and do get better over time.

Learn to enjoy the freedom of independence and once you are happy alone
It is really, really difficult for someone with BPD or abandonment issues to do this.

MyBrilliant she says in the second line of the OP that she's in the process of moving house.

Another hand hold here. Thinking of you x

OP, you certainly have a grip on yourself, and know who you are.
You're very brave going over there, it takes guts.
Maybe you can stay friends, chat occasionally, let him find out, he has nothing to fear.
I wish you well, and have no doubt that you will find someone perfect for you.🌺

You've started a new job and are moving house. So that's quite stressful for most people. Why not have a break from each other for a few weeks until things have settled down and you are back on board with your techniques.

I have BPD and have been with my DH for 27 years, married 24. It is possible. We have the 'get away from me, don't leave me' scenario every so often. DH knows it is the illness not me and just goes to visit his DM or sisters. By the time he comes back I am usually calmer. The aspect I struggle with is the black and white, all or nothing thinking.

Moving house and new job? Well done, really very, very well done. Both are extremely stressful and you’re handling them both.

There’ll be time after this. You’ve just got yourself into three stressful situations at the same time - lots of people would find that hard, never mind with BPD on top. It really doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever, it really, really doesn’t. Two out of three ain’t bad, as they say (well, Meatloaf says so anyway )

Get your new home and new job settled and bedded in.

Hope things went better than expected. X

Hope you are okay x

((Hugs)) 💐🌸💐

Hope you are ok

One of your posts rang a bell with me, callme, and it reminded me I'd recently been diagnosed with an attachment issue. I used to fall in love too quickly. I know now it wasn't love, I just wanted to find someone who loved me as no one ever had.

Fast forward to now when I am 45 and I'm married, been with dh for nearly 22 years. I found my lid after a few attempts where my pan didn't fit the lid, to mangle a previously used analogy!

Just because this guy isn't right doesn't mean there isn't someone for you. Unless you've been out with every man in the world??!!